Notes On A Wedding, Part 1 ~ Papa Don’t Preach…

We'd love your feedback on this first instalment in our new 'Notes on a Wedding' weries, by the brilliant word-smith that is Emma Woodhouse, aka, The Wedding Reporter (you can read our introductory feature here).

 

I felt bad when I read Franky's post about how she had dealt with her wedding without her Dad there. I
felt both sorry for my friend and guilty for the fact that I had been so blasé
about my own father’s role in our wedding, but it’s easy to be bitter when the
first man in your life falls from grace in your own eyes.

This is not a post about
my Daddy issues, this is a post about how you can handle yours. Because the
thing is, not everyone gets on with their dad.

Source: Vintage Movie Posters, via Thalmaray Portal on Pinterest

You don’t have to have an
acrimonious relationship to feel slightly put out by the obligation to have
your dad play such a prominent role in the day. Families are complicated and
the ways in which we fall out, tolerate and love each other are myriad. Just
because a girl and her father are on speaking terms, it doesn’t necessarily
follow that she wants him to be the one to walk her down the aisle or give a
speech in public about her.

There are times when a
registrar will wax lyrical about the special bond between a father and a daughter,
before asking the former whether he willingly gives his daughter’s hand in
marriage. This is usually the moment when a beaming Papa passes his little
girl’s hand over to her future husband with a tender kiss on her cheek and a
healthy dose of pride.

Occasionally, however,
there is a bride who is screaming inside. There are brides who believe their
dads don’t have the right or the authority to give them away; there are the
brides who look at their fathers as strangers; and there are the brides who are
closer to other people – perhaps step-parents – than their own flesh and blood.

For me, it was a case of
embarrassment. I didn’t want the man who had led the most bohemian, nomadic
life I knew to be so out of place in such a traditional place as a wedding to
look, or say, or do anything that would draw attention to himself or our
unusual situation.

There was also the fact
that whilst he’s my dad and I love him, I don’t really know him and he doesn’t
really know me. We haven’t had a great deal in common as adults and he was
barely around for much of our childhood to even have that shared experience to
draw on. It was a prickly situation as I felt that I would prefer my big
brother to give me away, but deep down knew that my father would be heartbroken
if he was left out of our wedding.

So, what can you do if,
like me and hundreds of other girls around the country, you’re not really the
apple of your daddy’s eye?

  Surround yourself with people who know and
understannd your situation. This way, they can be alert to any moments of
friction in order to step in and calm the situation down.

  Keep warring parties apart. In most
situations, family factions are often tied in with separated or divorced
parents, so to minimise the stress on you throughout the day, try to keep
opposing tribes apart. Don’t feel like you have to have a traditional top
table – parents are often happier seated at separate tables surrounded by
their own friends and family, leaving your top table free for your bridal
party who you’ll probably have more fun with.

  Speak to your officiant beforehand. Vicars,
registrars, priests and other celebrants have probably seen and heard it
all before, so don’t be afraid to mention to them that you would rather
not have any allusions to certain relationships included in your ceremony.

  Never be afraid to delegate. Sometimes the
easiest way to deal with people is to remove them from the equation, so
asking your dad to make sure he looks after your grandparents or is
responsible for making sure everyone signs the guestbook for example will
help make him feel more involved but keep him out of your hair!

  Be clear about what you want. If you’re
uncomfortable or unsure about what your dad might say in his speech, have
a little chat with him beforehand. Perhaps you could ask him to
specifically thank some people on your behalf, thus giving him a role and
a purpose instead of carte blanche to ramble on about your past.

  Let bygones be bygones. At the end of the day,
your wedding should only be about one man: the one you’re going to marry.
Chances are that your papa is proud as punch to witness your wedding (even
if he can’t express it) and is no more likely to cause trouble than you
are to have a temper tantrum halfway down the aisle.

No matter how much water
there is under the bridge, you’ll be surprised by the effect that a wedding has
on a father of the bride. I’ve seen speeches turn into heartfelt apologies from
absentee fathers, I’ve seen father and daughter dances where they haven’t even
been in the same photo together and I’ve seen the unifying love that the start
of a happy marriage can bring to even the most tumultuous of family
relationships.

You’re not always going to
see eye-to-eye, but as you step into your new life, you might just find that
your wedding is the perfect closure for the relationship you once had with your
parents and time to start afresh.

Emma