How To Have The Wedding You Want When Your Parents Are Paying For It

how to have the wedding you want

As I was browsing aimlessly through Facebook on Saturday afternoon, I happened to stumble upon an update from a friend.  “You now people really do make me laugh”, he said, “I have a family relative who is getting married in the next few weeks, and the mother of the bride (my aunt) and the bride (my cousin) are arguing over how things should be done – and all manner of other things!  When my aunt was told ‘well it’s her wedding’, the reply my aunt gave was, ‘I’m paying for half the wedding!’.

Oh boy, how many of you can relate to this?

How to have the wedding you want when your parents are paying for it.

There will be some parents who will always want to nuzzle in, regardless of whether they’re paying towards the wedding or not. This level of interfering might be well intended, or it might be a level of control-freak-ism that you’re used.  The thought of having to deal with any of this kind of hassle is difficult enough when the offending parent isn’t paying towards your wedding?  But the dynamics shift considerably when the parent insisting your wedding is done a certain way, is actually contributing towards the cost of your celebrations.

There’s something I need to tell you right now – contributing towards their son or daughters wedding does not buy parents the right to have a say in how that wedding is planned.  Or who is invited.  Or even how the seating plan is organised.  Let me reiterate that; parents who contribute towards the cost of a wedding are not ‘buying’ a right, or say towards how that wedding is planned.I don’t mean that to sound rude and please don’t get me wrong – it’s a wonderful gesture for a member of your family to contribute financially towards the cost of your wedding, but it should always be done out of love and generosity, not because of a sense that it will entitle that parent to decision making rights. No. No. No.

It’s such a difficult one, because I know many of you will be thankful for any monetary contribution to your wedding day  – no matter how insignificant. Let’s face it, most weddings aren’t cheap (we talk about exactly why weddings are expensive in this post). Accepting the money on the basis that the donator does not intefere with your wedding plans really isn’t that straight forward though, is it?  Your parents might be incredibly easy going, understanding that their role in the planning of your wedding is to support you and the decisions you make, not insist on overriding them.  But chances are that they may not be quite so relaxed about things.  Tensions between relatives, family politics, fear of upsetting your parents, and then what if your parents are divorced too?  There can be all manner of complex reasons why you find it difficult to politely request that your parents back off and let you get on with planning your own wedding.

I do believe, however, that it’s possible for you to act with grace and intention when it comes to accepting monetary contributions towards  your wedding and that in so doing, your life and experience planning your wedding, might be made that bit easier.  It may require being a little assertive, but being assertive doesn’t mean being rude or creating conflict, it simply means behaving in a self assured way.  That means, reminding yourself that you (and your fiance, of course) are the ones in control of your wedding plans.

Accepting financial donations to your wedding with good grace

If your parents kindly offer to contribute towards the cost of your wedding, and you and your partner agree to accept this money, then accept it with genuine gratitude. Perhaps treat your folks out to a meal as a way of saying thank you – or send the most beautiful bunch of flowers that you can afford, with a little note inside that reminds them how much your appreciate their wonderfully kind gesture. Use the opportunity to politely clarify your principles in a little thank you note, perhaps on the lines of

‘Dear Mum/Dad/ Mum and Dad etc,  thank you both so very much for your very kind donation towards the cost of our wedding day. We are both so thrilled! This will help the decisions we both make together so much less stressful, and we thank you for that. We know you’re going to love the plans we have in store and we can’t wait to surprise and treat you on the day.  All our love, etc etc.’

Always accept monetary donations with good grace. Keep it classy. Always.

Accepting financial donations to your wedding with intention

What I basically mean by this is, when accepting a financial donation to your wedding, do so with the full intent that you will not feel pressured to spend it in a way that goes against your wishes.  Accept it only with the full intent that you will spend the money wisely and sensibly but not based on decisions your parents have made (or put pressure on your to make).

Gifting your parents back with a sense of ownership

If you really can’t face the idea of politely (see ‘assertively’) reminding your parents that you would rather they didn’t involve themselves in planning your wedding day, then it may be worth picking one, maybe two aspects of your  day, and allowing them to feel a sense of responsibility for these areas only.   For example, your dress, or the cake.  Perhaps explain to your Mum/Dad/both, that you both intend on making decisions for the dress/cake/whatever in the next month, and that their input would be really valued at this stage. Heck, you could discuss it over that thank you meal I mentioned earlier.  Then, you can remind them that the money they donated will be put towards these items specifically and that you are both thrilled their donation will enable you to choose something very special together.

I fully appreciate that all of the above may well sound ‘easier said than done’, but I also sincerely hope that this post has given you some food for thought. And I know it’s an overused cliche but please please try to remind yourself that ‘your wedding is your day!’ I feel so sad at the thought that even one of our lovely readers might be struggling with this issue right now, so I’m calling you on your, our community of readers to help out.

If you are a bride facing the kind of struggle with your parents that I outline here, how have you been dealing with things so far?

If you are a newlywed who went through issues with your own parents paying for, then insisting you had your wedding in certain wah, how did you overcome this challenge?

Are your parents contributing to the cost of your wedding, and if so, how are you handling their involvement in your special day?

Please feel free to reply anonymously if this makes you feel more comfortable about sharing your views and experiences.

I’m really looking forward to hearing from you.

Annabel x

Annabel

Annabel View all Annabel's articles

Founder of Love My Dress. Passionate Podcaster and Editor. Annabel lives in rural North Yorkshire with her husband and business partner Philip, their two daughters and menagerie of furry hounds. She loves photography, meditation, walking, being outdoors and star gazing. She is fierce when it comes to championing talent within the wedding industry and when she's not working on Love My Dress, she supports her husband Philip in the running of the family's sustainable flower farm and floral design business, Moonwind Flowers. In 2013, she became a published author.

41 thoughts on “How To Have The Wedding You Want When Your Parents Are Paying For It

  1. My parents have very generously promised me around 50% of our total budget that they have saved for a long time. They are promising the same to my sister when she gets engaged. I am lucky because they have let myself and my fiancé lead wedding planning and offering opinions when asked rather than all the time. However they have expressed a preference over certain little things; for example getting married in the bride home town and having the day all at one venue. Considering the amount of money they are contributing we are more than happy to oblige these suggestions.. Same as certain guests – they have requested we invite certain family members who I was not considering but I take the view that if they would prefer them there I can make room for a couple people my parents want. Even then when they have asked they haven’t been overly pushy or demanding just asked me to please consider inviting them. I love and respect my parents and want to make the day enjoyable for them too, it’s one of their proudest moments and most parents only want their daughter to have the best day ever 🙂

    1. I’m so happy for you bride to be! It sounds like you have the loveliest parents and that your wedding day is going to be just wonderful 🙂
      Thanks for commenting, love Annabel x x

  2. OMG I wish I’d read this post about 6 months ago! We are having very similar problems with the decisons we have made in regards to our upcoming wedding this year.
    My mother & father-in-law who I may add I got on brilliantly with have now decided 3 months before our wedding to have an ‘eppy’ because there granddaughter (my partners niece who we are not close with) isn’t a flower girl/bridesmaid. They promised the 8yr old girl that she would be before speaking to us and now we’re not backing down all hell has broken loose. They have made a contribution to our wedding and for that we were extreamly grateful but somehow now it feels like because of this they feel they can pressure us in to having their granddaughter as a flower girl. I’m at a complete loss as to what to do as I know this is now going to effect our future relationship.
    S x

    1. Hi Sarah,
      I’m so sorry you’re experiencing stress planning your wedding and I really hope that our readers can come up with some suggestions for you. Perhaps you could make an effort to make the little girl feel a little special on the day in another way. Perhaps she can take on a small role of some sort on the day, I’m not sure what, though I will have a think – but if this still goes against your wishes, the only thing you can really do is gracefully/assertively/politely apologise to your Mother and Father in Law, but make it clear that it isn’t a personal wish of yours to have the little girl be your bridesmaid. I know that’s easier said than done and technically you don’t owe anyone an apology but it might help to keep the peace. I do think you need to be clear and consistent however.

      I really hope you get this sorted xx

      1. on the flower girl issue, is there any objection to her perhaps meeting you at the venue for the ceremony, holding a basket and handing out the confetti or similar at the door afterwards? She’ll be in a pretty dress anyway in all probability – you can just explain that you’re on a bit of a budget and will have quite a lot on your plate in terms of taking responsibility for her in the lead up to the ceremony, but if she’d like to help as an “unofficial flower girl” that would be ace and you would get her something flowery for her hair etc?!

        1. By the way, I don’t want to imply in any way that I think you are in the wrong! It’s just a suggestion that might make your life less stressful along the lines Annabel suggested. I really hope that you manage to resolve it! x

      2. Could she hand out cake slices, maybe, or ‘help’ ushers (getting people rounded up for dinner etc?).

        (My Aunt made a comment that made us concerned we’d have a similar situation with my little cousin at the beginning, fortunately it hasn’t transpired – I’m sorry you have to deal with it – but those were done of my mum’s ideas for how she could be involved without being part of the wedding party itself.)

  3. This is an interesting one for me, as I have had exactly the opposite problem. When we got engaged we said we would like to pay for everything ourselves, to avoid exactly the problem this article talks about, as we wanted it to be truly our wedding and not have people ‘buy’ input. In the end, both of my parents (they are divorced) wanted to make contributions – my mum for my dress, and my dad for the rings. My mum wanted to buy the dress as that is something she had always had in mind (I’m the first child to get married), and my dad wanted to give us a contribution towards something that would last past the wedding. Both of them were completely hands off when it came to how their money was spent, the very opposite of what your article is about.
    My fiance’s parents aren’t in a financial situation to help, so instead said they would pitch in to all aspects of wedding prep, which we are immensely grateful for. HOWEVER this involves them having alot more input than my parents who gave money. All of a sudden, the groom’s parents are telling us what flavour cake we are having because his mum is making it, booking the DJ they want as it’s a friend of the family, and choosing flowers themselves as they are helping with the arrangements. So in my case, it would probably have been easier if they were putting in money instead – as it is, we have ended up finding it very difficult to say no to their ideas, even if we disagree.
    In summary, I think weddings are always contentious issues in families, we just have to try and make the best of it and remember that we will still be married, even if we have a different cake flavour than we wanted and don’t have our dream flowers! In the grand scheme of things, we should be grateful for any help we receive, whether financial or otherwise.

    1. “In summary, I think weddings are always contentious issues in families, we just have to try and make the best of it and remember that we will still be married, even if we have a different cake flavour than we wanted and don’t have our dream flowers!”

      This is such sound advice Chloe. It won’t work for everyone, by that I mean those who have a very clear vision and want to stick to it, but it sure has heck is great advice for lessening the number of stress inducing headaches involved with planning a wedding. And making it much easier on yourselves! Sometimes you just go to go with the flow, and i you think you can work with that, that’s a prefect solution = everyone happy. Just wish it was as easy as this for everyone.

      I hope you have the best day and enjoy the rest of your time planning your wedding.

      Love Annabel xx

  4. My fiance’s parents are pretty overbearing at the best of times but have become absolutely unbearable since we got engaged. They’ve paid his university fees and so use that against him anyway to tell him what to do, and want to contribute to the wedding which we’re very happy about.

    However, they’ve decided they want to pay for our catering. My fiance’s parents don’t like what we chose before they said they’d pay though, and now want to have our beautiful sit down meal turned into a bring your own buffet, or a meal that I can’t eat because I’m a vegetarian! My fiance hates conflict & I don’t want to flip my lid before we’re even married but I don’t know what to do! They haven’t had a nice word to say about the decisions we’ve made as they’re a ‘waste of money’ & it’s really hard not to resent them for it.

    I hate to rant, but it’s horrendous sometimes.

    1. Agh, so hard isn’t it! Firstly have you got someone you can offload on to – just to release some of that frustration? (Your mum, sister, friends?).

      Also, can you and your husband come to an agreement that whilst he dislikes confrontation, you must have a united voice in the way you deal with this? I really think that if you feel you want things the way you want them, you have to be straight with the in-laws – together. Even if this means writing to them and pitching it in a way that thanks them for their generous contribution but that you would be so grateful for the time and space to be able to focus on this incredible opportunity to create a day that means so much to you both personally? I know nothing anyone ever suggests will be easy as it sounds but I really hope things get easier for you guys. I really do believe you need to be firm and consistent however.

      Sending all my love and best wishes to you both xxx

  5. Making sure that my parents are happy on my wedding day is pretty much as important to me as my own happiness. The same goes for my H2B and his parents. We have had some issues during the planning stage but we’ve worked everything through to make sure we are all satisfied with the decisions that we’ve made. My H2B put my thoughts into words the other day when he said that his parents have raised him and spent more money/time and effort on him that he could ever repay – so making sure they are happy on this day is a small thing to do and a small way we can express our gratitude.

    My parents are contributing about 50% of the wedding costs but that isn’t why I’m involving them (although it’s another way in which I’m enternally grateful to them!); it’s just nice to make them happy.

    1. Hi Kate!

      I am so happy to hear from a bride who can say they had some issues but were able to work through them and arrive at a mutually agreeable solution for all. I am pretty sure that a great many of our readers feel like you – in that their parents happiness is as paramount as their own – I love the sentiments your husband shared the other day – they ring true with how I feel/felt on my wedding day too.

      I also have the impression your are from a loving and very supportive family whose parents wouldn’t even heavily impose their own wishes and desires for your wedding day upon you in a way that might upset you – I guess for some couples due to marry its just not as straight forward as that and a whole myriad of complexities lie therein.

      I’m just super happy to see such a positive and lovely comment form a reader and hope that inspires other readers too – thank you so much Kate, wishing you the best of wedding days that ever could be 🙂

      Love Annabel xxx

      1. Haha, while it’s true that my family is supportive, Annabelle, my mum can only be the most unreasonable, stubborn person when she wants to be! There have been a few difficult moments (and some tears!) during the planning process but I’ve kept trying to help her understand and haven’t stopped communicating. This has helped her I think to understand just how important she is in all of this, and has made her a bit more reasonable and willing to see the bigger picture! 😉 My advice if dealing with a difficult parent is communicate as much as you can – help them to understand all of the issues, not just the ones that THEY see. My mum was desperate to invite a specific person to the wedding so instead of just saying ‘no’, I sat down with the full list and asked her who I should remove as we’d reached our limit. She was then able to see that everyone on the list was important too and it just wasn’t possible to remove anyone. One thing that it IS easy to lose sight of is that parents do love you and want you to be happy – you just have to help them a bit! And considering that they brought you up and looked after you, that’s not such a big ask.

        1. *My advice if dealing with a difficult parent is communicate as much as you can – help them to understand all of the issues, not just the ones that THEY see.*

          Best advice Kate, thank you so much. Also love the reminder from you that it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that parents love you and want the best.

          Thank you for taking the time to leave such supportive and helpful words for our readers.

          Love A xxx

  6. I’ve been thinking about this all day and trying to figure out exactly what to say. It’s complicated – and every situation is different, but I think this oversimplifies slightly. Not least because, personally, I think that whilst a wedding is obviously about the couple who are getting married and their relationship, it is (often, but not always) also about the joining of two families.
    Now I should start by being upfront and saying that we are incredibly lucky with our wedding. Our parents are splitting most of the costs between them, although we are paying for some things (like the honeymoon). They gave us a budget when we started planning, and mostly, they’ve left it up to us to allocate. We also incredibly lucky with our parents’ attitudes. Neither have ever said that paying ENTITLES them to a view, but we have done almost everything in collaboration, and we have consulted with them about most things. For example, my parents had pretty clear views about the style of the wedding, which luckily we were happy with, and right at the start we asked them to give us an idea of the numbers of people that they wanted to invite, and we didn’t particularly argue. Yes, it’s a pretty large wedding. Yes, there were a couple of points when we were hunting for venues with that capacity that begun to question that decision, but yes, it’s worked out in the end (our venue is amazing!), even though we are also combining two different religious traditions.
    For most of the major decisions, we’ve offered a couple of options, or expressed our views, but asked our parents before making final decisions. My parents have been more hands-on than his, and I guess have maybe expected to have more say, but both have views. Yes, there have been occasions where they’ve expressed very firm views, occasions when I have had to push to get them to express views, and a couple of things that we may not have done exactly the same way if entirely left to our own devises, but overall, I think our wedding, which takes place in a month’s time (eek!), will be a day that both of our families, and both of us are really, really happy with.
    And, without wanting to be too arrogant about how amazing my planning has been (I promise there have been some disagreements along the way and I may have had one or two bridezilla moments!), I think our attitude of being open to their ideas, and letting them participate has worked really well. As I said, there have been disagreements along the way – both sets of parents can drive me mad – but actually I think it’s really important that they are involved in the planning process, even if it means a few extra guests than we’d intended, or making allowances for particular expectations. Maybe I’d feel the same if they weren’t paying, but given that they are contributing a lot of money, I want them to feel happy with what we are doing!

    1. Hi Juliette,
      Firstly, thanks so much for taking the time to craft such a thoughtful and considered response. It really sounds like you’ve taken a very healthy approach to this issue – allowed some flexibilities and small compromises to ensure the overall satisfaction of everyone – I think this a pretty important point to note by other readers who might be in a more ‘no, my way or no way’ style mood – but then it does sound like your parents are super lovely and understanding and reasonable about these things too.

      I’m so pleased to hear that the way your wedding planning has been handled sounds like it’s going to ensure the kind of outcome that everyone can be happy with on the day itself. And I hope you have the BEST time Juliette! Are now now entering official countdown phase? 🙂

      Love Annabel xx

  7. This is quite a funny one for me. We are very lucky in that both sets of parents want to make a contribution (we will be funding 50%, with my fiancé’s parents paying for booze and flowers – my parents want to give me more, but I just don’t think that this feels right to me. I really feel quite uncomfortable with the idea that the bride’s parents should foot the majority of costs, especially given that my fiancé’s parents are much wealthier than my own and we both have good jobs and decent savings that we can dip into. In addition, my sister had a much smaller wedding and I know that my parents might consider some of the things we are spending money on as unnecessary so something just feels not quite right about it all – nothing like a wedding to bring out those feelings of guilt, eh?!). My parents were very upfront with just giving us some money and allowing us to get on with it and only participate when asked specifically about a particular thing (they came venue hunting and to food tastings at my instigation, but I have had to work very hard to get any opinion out of them!); I know that they will be superb we get towards the day and, actually, wedding planning just isn’t their bag or in their comfort zone (they had a very minimal wedding themselves), but at times I have actually been tempted in vulnerable moments to see their general approach in “just” giving us money and watching from the sidelines without asking any questions about details of the day as disinterest (rather than studious diplomacy, which I am pretty sure that it is!) and have been worried that they might be too hands-off (in that, if I chose something that actually did upset them, I wouldn’t know until too late – actually, I really value their views and financial contribution and do want them to be happy on the day!).
    On my fiancé’s side, my fiancé’s mum is helping with flowers (financially and practically) and aside from a few minor moments early on, she has been nothing but studiously diplomatic and kind (we haven’t fully chosen/ordered them yet though, so I still have my fingers slightly crossed!). My fiancé’s father is helping with wine (again, financially and practically) and I think this has potential for fireworks, as he has quite different tastes to us and I very much get the impression that he feels that “he pays, he picks” (and he has also said several times that he finds “people getting drunk at someone else’s expense” distasteful, which I worry might lead to under-ordering…!) – I think this is just something I will have to let go because we have been very lucky so far and it’s just not worth falling out over (and I can always get a bit of covert booze in on the side as an insurance policy if I’m really concerned!).
    Perhaps this is a bit off-topic, but I suppose that this is a rambling way of saying that, actually, I suspect that being the parent in the process is a veritable minefield – even if you are completely hands-off, that can be misinterpreted by someone who is feeling stressed-out, overwhelmed and a bit self-conscious about making decisions that just aren’t coming as easily as they feel they should (maybe that’s just me though – I am famously indecisive and really didn’t have a clue what I wanted so it has taken me a long time to hit my stride)! Watching my friends go through this at the same time has revealed a few genuine parental howlers on the part of their parents (which I feel so fortunate to have escaped so far), but mostly has involved a lot of angst about what were probably well-intentioned comments/thoughts/deeds (which we have had from friends too, it’s just that the money bit really complicates things with the parents).
    Wishing everyone the very best with their wedding decisions. xx

  8. I’ve found that there has been a reluctance on both our parent’s parts which has been disappointing. On my side, my parents are not badly off and have kindly paid for a modest element of the wedding. However this is only after an incredibly awkward conversation when, as nothing had been mentioned either way, I tried to ascertain in the politest way possible whether they wanted or intended to contribute anything. It isn’t about the money for me – I’d much rather have a smaller contribution or even nothing but it come from a place of love and generosity rather than a ‘alright then, if you’re asking’.

  9. This post couldn’t be more timely. I moved away from home almost 20 years ago and am getting married later this year. I’m struggling to balance what the two of us want with the constant criticism from my parents, who are insistent they pay for the reception as have saved all my life for it and consider it insulting that I wouldn’t accept. We’re not actually clear what they mean by the reception (what they consider in and out); we’ve shared a breakdown of our costings and budget with them but there are some aspects we would like to pay for ourselves (and have made that clear).

    My fiancé and I looked at a venue in my hometown but my parents dismissed it without even looking at it – not less than 24 hours after saying they would support whatever day we wanted. I’ve ultimately picked somewhere in the city we live in as I feel we will have more control over our day – I’m really upset that this has become such an issue. Our taste is considerably different to theirs and I don’t want to feel uncomfortable on my wedding day – something an overly formal day would do. This theme had continued since then – from the type of service, to our desire for less formality than they anticipated, to wording of invites…, I could go on. I am exasperated with it all and seriously regretting not going away just the two of us. I have tried speaking to them together, separately; including them, excluding them in meetings/discussions but with no real success – I am feeling like I am stuck between my parents and my fiancé, who cannot understand why I am not more assertive with them – I don’t want to hurt them as I know it comes from the right place – and it would be me dealing with the fallout if I really did. It’s incredible to me that, as a financially independent woman in my thirties, my parents so often revert to speaking to me like I’m a sulky teenager. I really am not ungrateful for the offer but it is a difficult one both to accept (given we both earn well and they’re retired) and manage. I would welcome anybody’s insight or suggestions. Thanks for the post, like I say, very timely. (I am very tempted to email them this link… But that might be a step too far!!)

  10. This post couldn’t be more timely. I moved away from home almost 20 years ago and am getting married later this year. I’m struggling to balance what the two of us want with the constant criticism from my parents, who are insistent they pay for the reception as have saved all my life for it and consider it insulting that I wouldn’t accept. We’re not actually clear what they mean by the reception (what they consider in and out); we’ve shared a breakdown of our costings and budget with them but there are some aspects we would like to pay for ourselves (and have made that clear).
    My fiancé and I looked at a venue in my hometown but my parents dismissed it without even looking at it – not less than 24 hours after saying they would support whatever day we wanted. I’ve ultimately picked somewhere in the city we live in as I feel we will have more control over our day – I’m really upset that this has become such an issue. Our taste is considerably different to theirs and I don’t want to feel uncomfortable on my wedding day – something an overly formal day would do. This theme had continued since then – from the type of service, to our desire for less formality than they anticipated, to wording of invites…, I could go on. I am exasperated with it all and seriously regretting not going away just the two of us. I have tried speaking to them together, separately; including them, excluding them in meetings/discussions but with no real success – I am feeling like I am stuck between my parents and my fiancé, who cannot understand why I am not more assertive with them – I don’t want to hurt them as I know it comes from the right place – and it would be me dealing with the fallout if I really did. It’s incredible to me that, as a financially independent woman in my thirties, my parents so often revert to speaking to me like I’m a sulky teenager. I really am not ungrateful for the offer but it is a difficult one both to accept (given we both earn well and they’re retired) and manage. I would welcome anybody’s insight or suggestions. Thanks for the post, like I say, very timely. (I am very tempted to email them this link… But that might be a step too far!!)

    1. That’s really tough. Have you tried asking them to draw up a list of 5-10 things that really matter to them about the wedding (or that they would prioritise etc) and asking them to explain exactly why it is important to them and why they want that for you (you can do the same and swap)? Obviously, it has to be clear that this doesn’t mean that you will take their wishes into account, but it might focus (their) minds as to what is important (because actually, if the reason is “everyone does it” or “that’s just what I want”, it doesn’t look that flattering on paper, so it encourages a bit of reflection!!). A friend had a similar problem and found that that approach (even though it is a bit formal) helped her to pick a few areas where taste/wants wasn’t that different and put in place a plan to give parents more involvement in those “easy-win” areas, whilst not budging too much on other things what really were important to her (by which time, at least her parents knew exactly why that was and were a bit less intractable). I don’t know whether that would work in your situation, but you have my every sympathy. xx

      1. Thanks Jenni, this is really constructive suggestion and definitely one we’ll try. I did smile when you commented on the formality of your idea – as I think that might be something that appeals to my parents as they do tend towards that more than not.

        I found it helpful just to get it out of my system last night; fiancé and I had a good chat about it all afterwards (thanks again for the original post!). Life is too short to be arguing about minutiae of the day – our main focus is what happens after the big day in all honesty. That said, we don’t want to have an over formal day that doesn’t reflect the people we are. We’ll get there in the end!! Thanks again x

        1. No worries – my fiancé’s parents are in the formal camp too, so I know the type(!) and I do much better over email than in person on the wedding details front (I find that in writing it is much easier to get something nuanced and considered down and much harder to get wound up/prickly about not feeling listened to/having ideas ignored etc). I am sure that it will work out for you – and for us too (our wedding hasn’t been without challenges either, but we’re getting there!). Very best of luck! x

  11. My parents are paying for the majority of our wedding day. We’re doing a 2/3 them 1/3 me split. They have been really involved in helping us choose the majority of the day and I’m really happy with that – even if they weren’t contributing we could have worked this way as were all so close. The only thing is that it makes me feel really guilty. The thought that they are giving up there hard earned savings to give me my dream day. They have asked me to stop feeling bad or mentioning it as they feel it takes the goodness out of there gift if i keep harping on about it! But I do feel bad….

  12. This is such an interesting piece! We’re very lucky because my parents have been absolutely amazing – they’ve been saving since I was tiny, and they’re adamant that they want us to have whatever we want. The only slightly awkward thing is that my fiancé’s parents have pretty much been the opposite. They haven’t really shown much interest and haven’t offered to help out financially at all. This doesn’t matter to me, but I suspect it matters quite a bit to my fiancé. We know that they contributed towards the cost of his brother’s wedding, and I know it would hurt my fiancé’s feelings if they weren’t to do the same for him. We’re planning in detail how to thank my parents and what we can buy them as a sign of appreciation – but we’re not planning on doing as much for his parents, so I’m slightly worried this will create friction. I suspect that it may be because my fiancé’s mum only had boys, and maybe it’s more of a ‘thing’ for parents of girls, but it’s all slightly awkward! X

  13. We have the issue of my parents (married at the time of getting engaged) now being newly divorced after a long tale of bitterness and betrayal – enough to put anyone off marriage to be honest! My Dad had always offered to pay for the majority of the wedding with my Groom’s Mother contributing for the Church and some other details. Since their divorce, everytime I have approached the issue of money for paying for certain aspects (when a payment is due) it has caused what feels like WW3 with my Dad telling me to ask my Mum for half and he’ll pay half blah blah blah. I have literally been going in circles doing the same routine at every point of the wedding. They want us to have the perfect day and my Dad does pay in the end but it feels as though it is an excuse for a new argument and a new issue. My Mum has given me her half for the wedding and this has been used for certain things and my Dads money has been allocated for others. It should be gifted upon you not given as an excuse for bitterness and anger, which in my case it feels as though it has. It has made me dread the planning process and stump up money for things ourselves just so we don’t have to ask. We have 5 weeks to go and I am still worried that money is still an issue and have nightmares about my venue not being paid!! I wish we could have paid for everything ourselves or had the guts to go and get married ourselves, just the two of us, without the drama but despite it all, I love my family and friends and couldn’t imagine getting married without them.

    I will be glad when we are married and drinking and dancing the night away!!

    1. Oh Hayley, I’m genuinely so sorry this is happening to you. As much as you will love your Dad and he will love you, it sounds really grossly unfair that he has created this situation around your wedding. I really would try to avoid any further discussions about the money with either parent if you can until after the wedding. But blood is strong and those blood ties do make allowances for all manner of shortcomings and bad behaviour at the end of the day. I really hope it’s a case that things return to normal for you very quickly with no more money based awkwardness.

      You make a key point – the money should be *gifted* with no expectations or conditions.

      I hope you have the best day ever Hayley and I would love for you to get in touch once you are a blissed up newlywed – I’d genuinely love to hear how it all went! Email me annabel AT lovemydress DOT net.

      Love Annabel xxxx

  14. I had a very difficult situation right at the start of planning our wedding. My mum is catholic and felt very strongly that we should get married in a church. My husband and I don’t believe and felt it would be uncomfortable and hypocritical for us to do that, but with my parents contributing a huge chunk of our budget it was difficult to go against my mum’s wishes.
    It came to a head when one day my mum declared that it wouldn’t be a real wedding and asked why we were even bothering. It was a very hurtful situation, made harder as my mum had previously been very vocal about her unhappiness that we weren’t yet married!
    My husband and I had a frank discussion and decided that we felt strongly enough about it that if necessary we would turn down their money. We talked it over with my parents and explained how we felt, I don’t think it was easy for my mum (as my sister in law said, she was worrying about my immortal soul!) but she did accept it and we ended up accepting their financial help.
    To show my mum that I do love her and did want her help I made sure to ask her thoughts about most other aspects of the planning. I took her dress shopping, asked her help with flowers and gave her final say over how our cake should be done.
    Annabel’s advice is fantastic – if something matters to you then you should stand your ground as calmly and politely as possible (although I’m not sure how calm or polite I was with my mum at times!) But while I don’t think money buys the right to dictate your day, it’s just nice to have your family involved in choices and where you don’t care as much, it’s lovely to be able to let parents make the choices sometimes!
    Ultimately my mum loved our wedding and couldn’t have been happier on the day itself so you can get through some really tough times, just hang in there!!

    1. Hi Katie!

      This is such an important comment and I’m really hoping as many of our readers see it as possible. It’s also kind of fascinating to have had an insight in to your own experience and to see how you worked it out. The comment about worrying about your Mum worrying about your immortal soul made me realise that it’s not as straight forward as parents simply wanting their way. It can be so much more complex than that.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience.

      Love Annabel x

  15. Oh this is so what I needed to read right now! My parents are contributing with about 1/3 of the wedding costs, and they definitely feel entitled to make decisions. My man and I decided early on we wanted a talented photographer and we had a specific style in mind. When going over our budget, my parents were upset by how much we wanted to spend on photography. In the end it got ugly, very ugly. We’ve stuck with the ones we booked, but ever since that argument I’ve been apprehensive about discussing wedding-stuff with my parents. I sent them flowers yesterday, as the post suggested, and it got me and my parents talking. They had seen our engagement shots, done by our photographers, but we haven’t really talked about them. My dad, who can never say “I was wrong”, said “I can see now, that you made the right decision”. We cleared the air and I think we are more on the same page now as to how we spend the money. Thank you so much Annabel! <3

    1. Hi Kristin!
      This comment really made me feel so happy that I shared this feature. I’m so pleased that a simple and thoughtful gesture was able to help you resolve some of the issues between your folks. Just sorry it got so ‘ugly’ in the first place. But stick to it. That little episode is over and done with now and you can focus on other things.
      I’m also mighty pleased to hear you prioritised photography! You absolutely did the best thing Kristin.
      Love A xx

  16. My parents and future mother & father in law could not be more different. My parents are so relaxed about the whole wedding but my in laws are very formal & think things should be done “properly”. They are both making contributions towards the wedding which is wonderful. Thankfully I haven’t yet felt under pressure from my in laws to do what they want with regards to what we spend the money on (although they did invite a few people without conferring with us first which really set alarm bells ringing!). However, they are a florist and photographer by trade and of course want to be heavily involved with these aspects. I’m sorry but I HATE their styles, they are formal and old fashioned, we want just want it all to be relaxed. Thankfully we have yet to have any disagreements with them but I am 100% sure they will arise & I am absolutely dreading it!

    1. Gosh, I do wonder what it is that makes it seem acceptable for some parents to feel they can invite people to their children’s wedding? Sorry this has happened to you Florence!

      I can see your obvious dilemma too – I think that you should book other suppliers services soon and then work on a gentle ‘we’re just letting you know’ kind of update for the parents – something that advises them that you really want to keep styling separate – to ensure they don’t get stressed in the run up. Be up front and say you wouldn’t want any disagreements to avoid them you’ve booked other suppliers! At least if they are booked, the folks are more (I’d hope) likely to be accepting of your decision.

      Good luck with everything Florence – I’d really love you to report back and let us know how you get on.

      Love A xx

  17. I’d love peoples opinions on the fact that my future in laws are having their vows renewed the week after our wedding. I hadn’t really thought anything about it until my friend brought it up & asked if I thought it was a bit rude & taking some of the focus off my wedding. Now I’m thinking she has a darn good point! Thoughts anyone? x

    1. Hi Florence,
      Honestly, I wouldn’t think that at all – people are entitled to renew their vows and I am pretty sure it won’t actually detract anything from your own wedding. Stop wasting time getting frustrated by it and focus on your own day, that’s all that matters! Don’t spend a moment even thinking about it. Focus on YOUR day 🙂
      Love A xxx

  18. Well I am currently 4 weeks away from my big day, a destination wedding in Spain! We have been engaged for about 7 years and together for 10 years in September, we met when I was a teenager. Due to financial reasons, such as graduating in a recession – we took the decision to get married when we could afford it. However 2 years ago my father sat us down and demanded we set a date, my parents are no longer together and my very elderly father lives in Spain, where we decided to have the wedding – being that he has a large house, which would me it would reduce the cost of accommodation and car hire for the bridal party.
    My parents are chipping in nearly the same amount, my mother slightly less, which has pretty much covered the cost of the 55+ guests and everything apart from the photographer and maybe a car for me (around 9,000 euros). I am my fathers youngest daughter and my mothers only daughter, so they are both putting a lot of pressure on getting it right (the way they see it in their heads).
    I have hand made everything for the wedding to help with the cost and also as i come from a creative background – my mother has been a great help with all of this and i couldn’t have done it without her. However she is all behind anything that is a cheaper option – however anything she sees as extravagant we argue over – such as the photographer. To her she doesn’t understand why i don’t just give my brother my digital camera and have him snap some photos of the day!
    My dad has his own ways to complicate things, being in his 80’s and from a Italian background – he wants all the traditional things to be included – such as the sugared almonds and went ahead and bought them with out checking with me (the holders look like black mini coffins – no joke)! so i have now had to spend more money to correct them to look at least slightly less out of context of my wedding. He is also quite similar to my mother in that he is continually getting little digs in about our extravagance of a 5 piece band rather than his friend who is a singer and 1/3 of the cost! Also because ‘he is paying for the wedding’ he has invited every neighbour, friend and person he knows to the whole day and also has put them up in his house – which means it is going to be very cramped come wedding day for me and the bridesmaids. (we chose to have our wedding abroad to avoid a large wedding!)
    However the way my partner and i have managed this is to pay for the things we really want our way out of our own money and not tell my parents! As we are both very grateful and don’t want to offend my parents by arguing with them! Also my fiancé is so laid back he is lying down – so it would only be me taking on the arguments.
    My fiancé’s father has contributed a small amount to us to use however we want, after a lecture about why my parents haven’t involved him and called him to ask for him to assist them in contributing to the day. We may dip into this money for the photographer and things we want, without involving my parents.
    But don’t get us wrong we have also paid for things for the day – all craft materials, the registrar , my dress and shoes, the invitations, all centre piece decorations, gifts for whole wedding party and also my partners suit and outfit and also his best mans suit.
    So it has had its frustrating moments on all sides, if we financially could have paid for it i think we would have taken the decision to do so as it would have just made it all a little easier. As i think my partner has felt a little disconnected from the whole day as he doesn’t want to get his hopes up to be vetoed by my parents!

  19. Hello,
    Need some advice my fiancé and I have found our dream venue reflects our personality and what we want from our wedding day perfectly. Here comes the BUT… my mum has offered to take care of the budget, which our venue meets. However my mum and her boyfriend have strong opinions on the venue saying they don’t like it and it’s too far from where we live (it’s 1 hour away) They have asked we look around at other venues. I’ve looked at so many venues online and none of them come close regarding venue setting and ambiance.

    What should we do? Should I settle for another venue always knowing our dream venue is out there or should we try and talk them round?

    Stressing out a lot and feeling like our big day won’t be “our” day at all. Dream venue is holding a date for Us but only for another week!

    Thanks in advance

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Close
Top