The Bridesmaid Dilemma – How To Choose?

wpid343260 finsbury town hall wedding debs ivelja photography 38 1

The ring is on your finger, sparkling as it catches the light, you have a head full of wedding ideas and a whole new Pinterest board (or maybe about 20!?) dedicated to your plans.  You’ve just got engaged, and you can’t wait to see your girlfriends to talk everything through.  You’re certain who you want to be your maid of honour and exactly who to ask to be your bridesmaid.  Or are you?

bridesmaids in red

From this real wedding feature on Love My Dress
Photography by David McNeil

All too often people imagine that choosing who will follow (or perhaps precede, depending on your preferences) them down the aisle will be very straightforward, and luckily for many people it often is.  They have a best friend, or sister, or a small but close group of girlfriends they know will do a fantastic job, and who will enjoy every moment of dress shopping and invitation making that is thrown their way.

autumn wedding, scottish wedding, richard nicoll, pyrus flowers, outdoor weddingsdebs ivelja photography, The Old Finsbury Town Hall in Clerkenwell, London, london weddings, 1950s vintage wedding dress

Top from this real wedding feature, Photography by Christopher Currie
Bottom from this real wedding feature, Photography by  Debs Ivelja

Maybe you have an extended group of friends and are happy with the idea of a large number of bridesmaids.  If this is you then I’m so pleased! Please pop over and have a look at one of the beautiful weddings we have featured this week, and enjoy your planning!  If you’re less confident however, or are having problems choosing, then read on.

jenny packham, nonsuch mansion, jesus peiro, eddie judd photography

From this real wedding feature on Love My Dress
Photography by Eddie Judd

Perhaps you have a wider set of of good friends, or several sisters or cousins you’re close to, and although they’re wonderful people, the idea of so many bridesmaids just isn’t for you.  Maybe a family member has expectations of who you choose in particular, but it just isn’t the person you had in mind.  Maybe you have several close friends, who whilst loving, are also prone to a spot of drama and that’s not a risk you want to take on your wedding day.  Or possibly you have already made your choice, but are now slightly regretting that spur of the moment, prosecco soaked ‘I GOT MARRIED AND NEED TO ORGANISE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW’ decision to ask all six of your old university housemates and three best friends from school, your sister and teenage cousin to hold your dress train?

The question is, how do you choose your bridesmaid/s and be sure in so doing that you’re making absolutely the right decision?

All in all, I had 21 flower girls, page boys and bridesmaids. Perfect! (Kate Halfpenny)

Kate Halfpenny wedding, Halfpenny London

From this real wedding feature on Love My Dress
Photography by legant & Wild

In my case, I am very lucky to have a group of fantastic women in my life – my ‘go to girls’ as my friend Laura terms it.  But as my girlfriends know, I can’t bear fuss and flapping – and the idea of several animated bridesmaids (on top of  my mum and my mother in law, a hairdresser, makeup artist, photographer and whoever else all in one room) filled me with horror!

For a while, I very seriously debated not having any bridesmaids at all, as I didn’t want to make a choice that left any of my wonderful friends feeling like they were in any way second best, and yet I didn’t want (and to be honest, couldn’t afford) to ask all of them.  Their dresses, shoes, accessories – it all adds up doesn’t it?  We see many weddings on Love My Dress where the bride has chosen to have no bridesmaids, or just little flowergirls, and they’re always super, super lovely with no sense of anything ‘missing’ at all.  For me personally, it was about knowing I’d be supported as I made my way down the aisle and that I’d have some friendly distraction on the morning of the wedding.  Basically I required a designated ‘hand holder’!

wpid350696-glamorous-new-york-wedding-tara-keely-Monique-Lhuillier-9

From this real wedding feature on Love My Dress
Photography by Jacqueline Patton Photography and Nan Doud Photography

In the end, I opted for a very small bridal party, and asked just two of the girls to do the honours. Danielle, who knows me inside out, and Katy, my oldest school friend. My best friend from university, Hana, I asked to deliver a reading during the ceremony instead, and two of the other girls, Jess and Laura, took charge of my hen do celebrations.  My friend Ruth, who was pregnant with twins at the time, had more than enough on her plate in my opinion, but took on the role of counsellor when things got stressful in the run up, and did sterling work!  I explained my decision to the girls and really hoped that whilst just two of them were taking on the ‘official’ title, that all of them would know that they were playing a meaningful and significant part in our wedding.

My point is that all your friends are important, and they don’t necessarily have to take on the title of bridesmaid to be and indeed feel as though they are an essential and appreciated part of your day.

crear, scotland, kitchener photography, worldly nomad fimls, myrtle and bracken, midsummer nights dream

From this real wedding feature on Love My Dress
Photography by Kitchener Photography

Remember that you choose your bridesmaids, not only because you love them (which is of course, the most important thing of all) but because they will have the time, interest and skills to be the right people for the role.  If your best friend is fabulous fun with the biggest heart, but also the busiest person on the planet with little actual time for or interest in weddings, then give her a huge hug and ask her to do another important job- a reading, organising your hen do, or just being the official pourer of wine when planning becomes stressful! If your sister is very shy and hates the idea of walking down the aisle, but is an expert crafter, or has a lovely way with words, think maybe consider asking her to help you with the decor, or to assist you in crafting your vows.  You can involve your closest friends and family in so many other ways than simply asking them to fill traditional wedding day roles.  Our rides tell us again and again through their ‘Words of Wedded Wisdom’ that their family and friends loved being involved.

bridesmaids in pale pink

From this real wedding feature on Love My Dress
Film photography by Ashton Jean Pierre

Chances are your ceremony room or church will only be populated by your nearest and dearest on your actual wedding day anyway, and every one of these invitees will have an important part to play.  Choosing who will be your bridesmaid/s is perhaps not the easiest choice in the world – like so many other elements of wedding planning, it involves a decision based on emotion, but I do believe the path to deciding and indeed appointing your maids can be navigated successfully and happily – just be honest and do what suits you and your wedding.

What have your experiences been of choosing your attendants?  Has it been a stressful experience or was it a straightforward decision?  Were you/ are you pleased with your choice?  Please do share your experiences with us- we love to hear from you (and can accept anonymous comments if you’d rather not identify yourself). You may be able to help someone with a very similar issue and dilemma by sharing with our reader community below.

Whatever choices you make lovely ladies, good luck, and enjoy!

Shona x

 

ps – be inspired by our Pinterest board dedicated to all things ‘bridesmaid’

Shona Raffle-Edwards

Shona Raffle-EdwardsView all Shona's articles

Shona is a wedding admiring bookworm with a love of the countryside, flowers and all things organisational who is currently based in sunny Yorkshire with her husband and beloved cat

40 thoughts on “The Bridesmaid Dilemma – How To Choose?

  1. Great, thought provoking article but the link to the second wedding (navy bridesmaids, bride in a jumper!) doesn’t work and it takes you to the first wedding……….!

  2. A great post – and valuable topic!! I considered the bridesmaid question long and hard – I’m one of those ‘extended group of girlfriends’ brides, and I soon realised that it was either 1 or 10!! I’m definitely not a 10 bridesmaid girl, so I am having 1 bridesmaid (my sister, an easy choice) and 1 flower girl (my gorgeous goddaughter). I’m also having a ‘bridal brigade’ of all my girls, who I am inviting round for a glass of champagne on the day, and who have all been involved in different ways. I’ve asked them all to wear ‘something blue’ 🙂

    Xxx

      1. What a fabulous idea Philippa! Thank so much for sharing – I see your ‘bridal brigade’ idea being ‘borrowed’ by more than a few of our readers 😉
        Love Annabel x

    1. Hi Philippa, thanks for posting- I love the idea of your bridal brigade as well- it sounds the perfect way of doing things! S xx

  3. Loved the article – it can be such a tricky decision!

    One thing you didn’t touch on was the old rule that the number of bridesmaids and groomsmen should match. I don’t really buy into it, my fiancé was adamant he wanted 7 groomsmen (!). That definitely fed into my decision when it came to choosing bridesmaids. I love those boys (who are really our mutual friends) but I didn’t want the bridal party to feel overwhelmingly male on the day.

    In the end, I chose to have 5 bridesmaids – my sister, my 2 best friends and 2 of my fiancé’s female friends. I know it’s unusual to have his friends involved, and I definitely felt like I had to explain my reasoning to some people, but it’s actually been really fun. I’ve loved having the chance to get to know his friends better and it’s been highly entertaining having the perspective of two people who knew him years before I did. x

    1. Hi Aisling 🙂

      Oh I really love that you’re embracing something different and so cool! What a fab idea – I can imagine the camaraderie that will be present on the day too between a more extended group of maids and groomsmen. Just fab! I’d love for you to explore this more in one of your future Lovettes posts!

      Love Annabel x

    2. Hi Aisling,

      Do you know, I didn’t even think about the tradition of the numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen matching- it honestly never even crossed my mind! We didn’t have a terribly traditional wedding anyway so I suppose it never occurred to me for my own wedding and I completely forgot about it when writing this article… Entirely by accident, my two bridesmaids did end up matching the two joint best men (his brothers) my husband chose- but it was a complete coincidence! As we always say at LMD- do what works best for you in any case- never mind tradition or expectations, so it all works out! I love your own move away from the norm in including some of your chap’s female friends in your wedding party- a fab way of doing things!

      S xx

  4. I LOVE this post Shona, great job! For years when I pictured my wedding, I thought I would choose to have no bridesmaids – I didn’t want the extra drama or worry of having to ‘look after’ a bunch of friends on the day, so to speak. However, I soon realised that I absolutely couldn’t go through the whole planning process (and walking down the aisle process!) alone. I decided on a family-but-not-family crowd, (my brothers’ girlfriends who have become my best friends, my soon to be sister-in-law, my ‘godsister’ and a family friend who I’ve grown up with) and and it worked a treat. My friends were still there for me and helped with the planning, but it made the day a great family affair, and I absolutely loved it. There were certain people I know who expected or hoped to be bridesmaids, but I had to do what was right for me. xx

    1. Hi Rachel! Sounds like you did the best thing by far and thank you so much for sharing your experience with our readers. Proof once again that that ‘gut feeling’ is usually always right!
      Love Annabel x

    2. Thank you lovely- I’m glad you enjoyed it and I’m so glad your choices worked out so well- friends really do understand and it is important to go with your heart xx

  5. Hi!

    I’m one of the ‘pop the champagne cork & chose too quickly’ people (I still have 2 years to go eep!), but I think I made the right choices with my girls! They’re my two best friends from school & my best friend/housemate from uni. The only problem I’ve found is that my mam wants my 15 year old cousin to be a bridesmaid & her 6 year old sister to be a flower girl, but I barely know them! I’d rather have my other uni best friend as my 4th bridesmaid, but if I have my cousin, our bridesmaid/groomsmen ratio will be off!

    It’s such a good topic to talk about though, as I think that it’s one that’s often forgotten about – & they’re our girls, they need more attention!!!

    1. Haha! I love that first line 🙂
      Gosh yes, it’s always awkward when someone else wants um, someone else to also be bridesmaid/flowergirl and especially when there isn’t particularly a strong relationship there between the bride and potential maids.

      As for the bridesmaid/groomsmen ratio, I’ve never even considered that!
      Thanks for you comment Emily – I hope Love My Dress serves as a fab source of inspiration for you over the next two years 🙂
      Love Annabel x

    2. Hi Emily,

      (Also love your description of yourself!) I’d possibly suggest a serious chat with your mum, in calm, friendly conditions and just let her know why you’d prefer not to have the younger girls as part of the wedding party and hopefully she’ll understand. Good luck and enjoy the planning! S xx

  6. Such a relevant post for me!

    I’m only having two bridesmaids but it’s been a emotional roller coaster reaching that decision.

    I had a best friend all through high school that I would constantly mentally call my future maid of honour and this continued throughout uni. However, since we left uni we gradually began to drift apart. We were growing up to be two very different adults.

    When I got engaged she was still one of the first people I told (although this was around midnight so it had to be by text) and her voice mail congratulating me was the second thing I woke to the next day. (The first obviously being my beautiful fiancé) We scheduled a Skype session, as she lives in Germany now, but I was suddenly facing a dilemma. Should I ask her to be my bridesmaid or not? Yes we’d had an amazing friendship when my relationship started but was that the case now? I talked it through with my Mum and she told me at the end of the day you need to choose the girls that know you inside out, who you can completely rely on and who have been there for you through the highs and lows that have made you who you are today.

    With my Mum’s philosophy ringing in my ears we Skyped and once the initial engagement excitement chat had ended we had nothing to talk about. And thats when I realised, we just don’t have anything in common anymore. So I didn’t ask her.

    It was the toughest decision of the wedding I have had to make and I doubt anything else will compare. I still absolutely want her to be involved as much as possible so have asked her to play cello at our ceremony. On the day I will have my two girls who have been there for me in ways they probably weren’t even aware of. I not only want to have them by my side but also to thank them for being everything and more I could ever hope for in a friend.

    Choosing is tough but, as clichéd as it sounds, you just have to listen to what your gut and, more importantly, your heart tells you.

    1. Hi Frances,
      Thanks so much for your comment! Its so useful to hear of your own experience – I really think you did the right thing too and have been most considerate infact asking your life long friend to still participate in your wedding in a different kind of way.
      And I am behind you 100% with your closing statement – I live my life quite intuitively anyway – most of the decisions I make are based on what my gut tells me. It’s pretty much always right!
      I hope you have the loveliest wedding day,
      Love Annabel x

    2. Hi Frances,

      I agree wholeheartedly with Annabel- and I think its really lovely you’ve involved your other friend in a different way- as I said in the article- people can be involved in so many different ways, that the role of bridesmaid doesn’t have to be the only important job you ask your friends to do at all, and I think you’ve made an excellent choice. Enjoy it all, S xx

  7. I am having three bridesmaids, my two sisters and my sister-in-law. Ideally, I would have loved to have my four cousins too because we grew up together, however our venue is small and it wouldn’t really have worked to have 7 bridesmaids! My decision was therefore pretty easy, and I’m very grateful to have three ladies by my side who really are true sisters to me, in all senses of the word. My cousins will be ‘honorary bridesmaids’ and will have wrist corsages with flowers matching my bouquet.

    1. Love this idea Katie, and think it a really lovely way of acknowledging your bond with the other girls xx

  8. This is such an important topic! I’m a wedding photographer and have witnessed hundreds of weddings in my career and I must say that the best ones are where there is a real bond between the bride and bridesmaids. Unfortunately more often than not, bridesmaids forget what they are there for on the big day and only care about how they look and not really looking after the bride. Last week I had a wedding and the bride had the most amazing bridesmaids! Those two girls were really there for the bride, so much laughter and love in the morning of the wedding and throughout the day. I don’t think i have ever really seen that before but It made me think ‘ wow if only all bridesmaids were this loving and supportive!’. So please carefully! x

  9. Mine was quite an easy decision…I’m not having any bridesmaids!! I have lots of very lovely friends from childhood, university etc but instead of having to choose, I decided not to have any and let them enjoy the day as guests instead. We’re also on a budget and without sounding harsh, it was another cost we could cut.
    We’re doing it all our own way…we have two little boys already so they are Daddy’s Best Men. Think you should do as you wish and definitely don’t feel pressured into making decisions you’re not comfortable with. Your day, your way
    H x

  10. Shona, such a great article thank you! I found it really difficult to choose bridemaids and for various reasons in retrospect I feel like I could have made better choices. However what’s surprised me is that – far from being annoyed – the friends who I didn’t ask to be bridesmaids have been super-supportive and excited about my big day, which I am sooo grateful for. I’m also having a bridesman as one of my best friends is a boy – you don’t have to confine yourself to maids if you don’t want to 🙂 ! xx

    1. Thanks Louisa Marie 🙂 Love that you’re having a bridesman as ell! Most of my closest friends are ladies, so it wasn’t something I thought of, but it is interesting that in many cases, very good friends of the opposite gender end up with no special ‘place’ in a wedding- they aren’t best man, because they’re female, and they aren’t bridesmaids, because they’re a chap, so its great to push boundaries and just have the most important people in our lives, regardless of gender 🙂

      S xx

  11. I’d been thinking about my maids for a while before we even got engaged but once we actually did I felt like I had to make the big decision. I chose to have 4 bridesmaids, I probably could have had way more but we’re having such a casual wedding it didn’t seem to fit. In the end I chose to have two of my best friends, one I met when I was 4 and the other when I was 14. They’re the girls who stuck by me for all these years. My other two girls are my fiancés sister, whom I love to pieces and his brothers girlfriend, which is the one people look at me a little weirdly for, I know that in the 18 months until our wedding they ‘might’ (I have no doubt they’ll still be together) break up but I really wanted to have her in our wedding. I have about 5-6 other girl friends that I could have had but I knew when I asked these girlies they were the best pick.

    1. It sounds like the perfect crowd Katy- I wish you every bit of fun and happiness with your planning xx

  12. Thank you for highlighting just how difficult this decision can be! By far the most stressful issue being that my partner’s sister and one of my closest friends absolutely hate each other. I don’t want to offend anyone but I also don’t want any bad feeling on the big day! Absolute nightmare. I am not especially close to his sister but what are the rules when it comes to his family? There is also of course the dilemma of being much closer to some friends than others but not wanting to upset them or make them feel left out! I am definitely the sort of person who would have everyone if I could afford it just to keep the peace. I think I need to toughen up a bit… X

    1. It definitely sounds like a difficult situation Holli. How close are you to your fiance’s sister? If the answer is not especially, then I wouldn’t worry about feeling pressure to have her as a bridesmaid… My husband only has brothers, so it wasn’t an issue, but I don’t believe its considered the ‘done thing’, and even if it were- we don’t always have to stick by the prescribed rules! Perhaps you could ask his sister to do a reading or something similar instead? Alternatively, you ask both the friend and your sister in law to be and tell them if they’re difficult then neither of them gets to be a bridesmaid! I think you’re right to try and limit any chance of difficult behaviour, but you might be surprised by how well they behave for your sake as wel

      Best of luck and enjoy it all,

      S xx

      1. Hi Shona,
        Thank you for your advice! I’m not especially close to his sister and neither is my fiance to be honest but we do get on. My fiance has decided to have his brother and my brother plus two of his friends as Groomsmen so I don’t want to leave his sister out of the equation! I think you’re right, I’m sure that they will both be civil for my sake, I may have to choose a designated peacekeeper for the big day!

        H x

  13. I also don’t like the idea that bridesmaid duty should be reciprocal. I felt like there was some expectation because I was my sister’s bridesmaid, she should be mine. As it was, my other sister hates being up in front of people and is brilliant with kids so I asked her to arrange all the kids activities for the day. I then had my niece as a flower girl so the sister I was bridesmaid for was represented in the wedding without having to be up thee herself, as she felt like Her time as a bridesmaid was over as a mum of two.

    However, I’ve heard several friends say “well I’ve got to have her as my bridesmaid because she had me as hers”

    1. Good ppint Laura- that’s another interesting thing to think about. I didn’t really think about it, as I’ve only been a bridesmaids once as an adult, and was still very close friends with the lovely lady in question, but it wouldn’t have bothered me to do the other side of the question as it were, and ask someone who was already married, but for whom I hadn’t been bridesmaid for- friendships change, they drift (sadly) and they get closer too, so what worked years ago won’t necessarily work now and vice versa, in terms of choices. Its lovely that you got to have your sister represented in among your maids without her having to do a role she didn’t really feel suitable for (and, if I’ve got this right, your niece looked so cute too!)

      S xx

  14. I also think the thing about having only women is a tradition that needs to die out more. So many people have close male friends who deserve to be a part of it but get given ‘other’ jobs instead because people cling onto the notion that a man can’t be part of it 🙁

    I’m having my three closest friends, two women and one man and they are called bridesmates not bridesmaids for us, although rest assured they’ll have to be maids/servants when I get stressed!!! 🙂

    1. Snap Caroline! I had two maids and one bridesman! Together they were my bridesteam. Although I did have to draw the line at Chris wearing a dress and high heels 😉 Hope by now that your guys are helping you out with your planning xx

  15. Having recently booked my wedding (25th August 2017!!!) the question of bridesmaids is one that has been playing on my mind since we got engaged. I have two groups of friends; my ‘party girls’ who I have been friends with for around 7 years. I used to work with them all whilst I was in uni but now I probably only see the three girls for nights out maybe once every other month. I then have another two friends (from home), sisters who I am both very close to but one is getting married the same year as me. My problem is that my ‘party girls’ already think they are my bridesmaids; yes they were one of the first people I told but I can’t honestly say that I know they will be there for the difficult parts of planning a wedding.
    Ideally I would like to ask my two friends from home but unsure if they will have time to help as she will be planning her own wedding. In all honesty if I have any worries I generally go to my mum or to my husband to be so I am really considering not having any bridesmaids but then I’m worried that on the day I would regret it. Any advice anyone can offer would be very much appreciated.
    thank you

    1. Hi Holly

      I’ve just read your post (a little late) and the best advice that I can give you is to do what you want to do. Not necessarily what you should or could do. We have featured many weddings with no bridesmaids and many others with many different combinations of maids. The main thing is to do what makes you happy and hopefully what does’t cause too much stress or hassle! If you have a chance to update us on your situation, we’d love to hear what you decided in the end – it may help others reading too xx

  16. I always thought I had my bridesmaid’s chosen, i got engaged last week – and i am so stressed from trying to really decide! I’ve already talked myself out of choosing my oldest friend because, in reality, we barely speak any more and she didn’t come to celebrate our engagement. I ruled out his best friends fiancée (she asked me to be hers, and I feel awful – but I can’t justify choosing her just because she chose me..). Then i’m left with 4..
    2 of my close friends, one of whom i barely speak to (these days) unless i get in touch with her, but she’s SO organised.. however, my fiancé isn’t overly sold on her in general. My other friend i speak to every day – while i don’t think she’d help too much with the planning, we’ve been through a lot and so i can’t not ask her. My cousin is my 3rd choice, i don’t see her too often but we grew up together, and i can’t imagine her not there. And lastly we have my fiancés friends (new) wife – Who i have only known for a couple of years but she is genuinely the only person i’m excited about being a bridesmaid. We get on really well, and i think i get more excited at seeing her than i do my older friends.
    This has literally been one of the hardest decisions i have ever made! I will make my final decisions in a months time – and it will have probably all changed again!! Aghh!

    1. Hi Kirstie,

      I’ve just been reading your post and I’m wondering if your decision has now been made? I understand all of your dilemmas. You would think that choosing your bridesmaids would be a wonderful thing to do but it is often a tricky decision for many of us! Please let us know if you were happy with your maids in the end. Also, I hope that the rest of your planning has been a little simpler! xx

  17. I know this article was a while ago but I’m looking for some advice!

    I got engaged over Christmas and we are getting married next year! I still can’t decide on my bridesmaids and it’s stressing me out quite a bit. I have no idea who to choose! I’m still friends with the same girls i went to school with but I’m not really close to them anymore.

    One of them is getting married next year too, and they all seem to be excited about her wedding more than mine. On the other hand, my oldest friend has been so excited about it. But we drifted apart for a couple of years and have only really started speaking again in the past year or so. We text everyday and we are getting close again but not really sure if I should ask her or not? I was one of the only people she told when she found out she was pregnant, and when she found out what gender she was having. We were best friends for 20 years before we drifted apart so it’s a hard one! Another of my school friends is an option as we’ve been through school, college, and lived together at uni together. I’m also thinking about asking my niece. But part of me is thinking I shouldn’t have any bridesmaids! We are only having a small wedding, and I want it to be quite casual but my husband to be is having two best men!

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