I’ve been surprised by the strong reactions I’ve received when I’ve mentioned that I don’t think I will take my husband’s surname when we get married. I didn’t realise people held such fervent opinions about it! Some champion me for holding to feminist principles; others are mildly disapproving; there are murmurs about tradition, and children, and ‘becoming a family’… and all of this has made me deeply consider and re-consider my options. So, today, I would love to hear from any Love My Dress readers keen to share their opinion on this most bristly of topics: any of you out there who have chosen to keep your maiden name; any who have taken your husband’s or wife’s name, made up an entirely new name, or are deliberating over what to do like me!
Kate + James Halfpenny-Duffy
Photography Copyright (c) 2014, Elegant & Wild
I don’t particularly want to change my surname because it’s my name! It’s the moniker I’ve used to identify myself for the past 28 years: it’s the name I’ve been alphabetically ordered by in school; the title I’ve used to reserve hotel rooms and make table bookings. It’s the one that I practised writing for hours to perfect my signature when I was a teenager. It’s plastered across my bank accounts, email address, work correspondence, credit cards, ID documents, the deeds to our flat; I’ve inscribed it on exam papers, job applications and polling cards. For me, my name is an intrinsic part of my identity. Everything I’ve achieved (and failed miserably at!) I’ve done under my name – and to suddenly change it would be real wrench.
Jess & Rodrigo
Photography Copyright (c) 2014, Fer Juaristi
Plus, I would be lying if I said that the historic reasons behind a wife taking her husband’s name didn’t make my stomach turn. Personally I can’t ignore the fact that my female ancestors became their husband’s property on marriage, and that this was signified by an obligatory name change. People hold up the marital name-change ‘tradition’ as some kind of nostalgic and wonderful thing but seem to forget that this particular ‘tradition’ was put in place and used for centuries to categorise women as part of her husband’s possessions: new house, new car, new wife?!
Charlotte + Harry
Photography Copyright (c) 2014, M&J Photography
Luckily it’s now the 21st century, we all have a choice, and arguably the reasons behind the tradition are now irrelevant and have faded into obscurity anyway – but my view is that nobody should be made to feel awkward or uncomfortable about not conforming with tradition if they don’t want to. Despite all the bravado, I am nervous about my grandparents’ and in-laws’ reactions if I don’t change my name – I’m dreading an awkward conversation. Any tips on how to broach this would be most welcome!
Having said all that, I can definitely see the appeal of sharing a surname with my husband and the idea that this lets us tell the world we’re married. There’s also the children debate. Many people have questioned whether – if we have children in the future – they will take my surname or his, and how I would feel about having a different surname to these imaginary offspring. In all honestly I’m not sure (they’re still imaginary after all!) but I think I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Maybe it’s a cop out, but if I feel differently later in life, it’s never too late to change.
Charlotte + Teddy
Photography Copyright (c) 2014, Polly Alexandre
Since we met, me and my other half have tried to make our relationship as equal as possible – emotionally, financially, and everything in between. We know our strengths and our weaknesses and we try and support each other. As neither of us want to change our names, creating a new surname isn’t really an option, but in some ways I think that keeping our own surnames reflects that idea of equality and partnership we try and stick to. Luckily my spouse-in-waiting is genuinely happy for me to keep my maiden name if I want to but I wonder if there are any couples out there who haven’t found the decision as easy.
I’ve also been thinking a lot whilst writing this article about same-sex couples and how they approach this question. I guess it would be liberating not to be bound by any precedent or tradition, but would love to hear from any LBGT brides and grooms-to-be on what name(s) they took as their married surnames.
I know the Love My Dress community is an intelligent, amazing and insightful bunch and I can’t wait to hear your views via the comment box below. You can leave a comment anonymously if that would make it easier for you to share your experiences ☺
Louisa x
I took my husband’s surname not because of tradition, expectations or pressure, but because I loved it so much more than my birth surname and it sounds awesome together with my first name. 🙂
Good call Tina! 🙂
Tina that sounds like an easy decision for you and I bet your new name sounds fab!
I was totally torn between taking my husband’s name and not. I didn’t want to for all of the reasons you’ve outlined above – ultimately, it was my name, my signifier, my definition! My easygoing, relaxed and totally unpushy husband stood firm on it though – he really wanted me to take his name. That fact made me reconsider – I would do any thing to make him happy – and on our wedding day we were named Mr and Mrs.
And then… I woke up the next day. Deliriously happy and in love, but feeling as though I had put on the wrong hat which didn’t suit me. It simply wasn’t my name. I spoke to my husband, who did understand – and never changed it officially anywhere. I don’t judge those who take their husband’s name (in fact I envy them wanting to take it) and I have been a little surprised by the judgement I’ve seen that I haven’t taken his.
We’re not ‘Mr and Mrs’ – but we are two very happy people. It doesn’t make you less of a team, or a unit, or a family – but personally it just wasn’t right for me.
Hi Beth, thank you for your comment. I have so much admiration for you for being brave enough to change your mind when you knew it wasn’t right for you. You’re so right – all that matters is that you’re two people, in love and very happy. xx
What a fab reply Beth, it truly is one of those issues that seems so incredibly personal to the individual concerned. I think by the sounds of it you made the best decision by far.
Love Annabel x
I love when you explore themes like this. I did take my husbands surname because in my culture, it is the thing to do and you would be deemed as completely insane if you didn’t. I believe we are sometimes victims of our upbringing and I grew up with the belief that I must take my husband’s name even though no one explained to me why. As an adult who makes her own choices and now we have a family, I feel that its lovely that all four of us have the same surname but I don’t think any families who have chosen otherwise are wrong. I am a strong advocate of ‘be who you want to be, do what you want to do but don’t harm anyone with your choices’. I said harm and not hurt because sometimes choices we make for self preservation and our own well-being may hurt other people whether or not you intended to. I have found that amongst the brides who we work with, around 75% take their husband’s surnames. Curious to see what other people think. x
Hi Omo, thank you for your reply. I totally agree that your upbringing does shape how you make decisions – or maybe stops you from realising there is a decision in the first place. Your comments on self-preservation sometimes leading to harm really resonate with me. I think it is so important to tread your own path but with knowledge and sensitivity towards those around you who may be affected by your choices. Thanks again xx
So glad to see you engaging with our content Omo! Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.
I agree entirely with your ‘be who you want to be’ approach. I too grew up simply believing that taking on your husband’s name was what you did. It was only really when I started writing about weddings I came to realise the matter isn’t so straight forward – or question the reasons why this is done. And as you make a point, the decision you make isn’t just about you – it affects others too.
So interesting to read through everyone’s reply.
Thanks again for your comment,
Love Annabel x
I got married a month ago and still haven’t decided yet…to be honest, whilst everyone else is expressing an opinion on what I should be doing, I am unlikely to make up my mind! I hadn’t realised how much significance I attached to my name until the day of my wedding when I received a text message saying ‘Goodbye Miss Monkhouse…’ and promptly burst into tears! As well as being my professional identity, it is a name I have so many positive associations with and memories of…I share your confusion and have had similar conversations about the fictional children too. For now, I am doing nothing and keeping my options open!!
Claire, I’m glad to hear I’m not alone in being confused about this! I will probably be joining you on the fence for a while! Whilst it can be helpful to hear other people’s opinions (depending on how they’re expressed!!), it’s important you make up your own mind and stay true to what you, in your heart of hearts, wants to do xx
Hi Claire!
It’s so interesting to hear about your personal experience – and thank you for sharing them with us. I don’t think there’s anything wrong AT ALL with keeping your options open and waiting until a time you feel whatever decision you make is the right one.
Love A xxx
Great topic! I got married 6 weeks ago so this is a very timely post. My very understanding husband has always told me it would be my decision and that he would be happy either way so he left it entirely up to me. I’ve decided to change my surname for everything except for work, as I’ve feel that it will be nice to have some separation between my work life and private life. Also, I’ve built up a bit of name for myself in my professional life and I feel I would lose some of that if I were to change my name. Definitely having the same name as my future children was another important point. I haven’t started the name changing process yet but I’m hoping it won’t be too painful!
Hi Karina, thanks for your post. I’ve got a few friends who have kept their professional and personal names separate, I think that can work really well and makes sense if your name is important to your professional identity. Lovely to hear you have such an understanding hubby as well! x
I have also wrestled with this debate – and have occasionally been hit with a metaphorical ton of bricks when I think about the reality of perhaps not losing, but certainly changing my identity…
I have decided to change my name – my fiancé and I are keen to be a clear, new baby family – just the two of us for now, but hopefully this will grow! – and were keen that our family grew with the same moniker.
It’s been really tough though, and sometimes still is. I am keeping my maiden name professionally, and to be honest, the thing that has swung me to changing it legally to match my new husbands is the significance of his surname… His father’s family were Austrian Jews and were fortunate enough to escape to England in the 1930s. Their surname was changed then, and anglicised, and so my fiancé is only the third generation to hold that name… I felt that as the atrocities of the Second World War fall more distantly into the past (for my children, the holocaust will be a century ago) his name tells a wider story than just that of his or my family – it’s a small part of a global story, and a globally important story.
Hi Philippa, such an interesting post and it does sound like you’ve had a huge amount to consider. Your husband’s surname certainly has a lot of poignancy and history. I can completely understand your wish to preserve and respect that, and it sounds like you are balancing your choice by keeping your maiden name as your professional name. Well done you for making such a big decision xx
Excellent discussion point Louisa! As you can probably tell, I decided to double barrel my name and add my husband’s surname onto the end- luckily (I think) it works, and i like my new longer name 🙂 I stay the same alphabetically and I recognise my name when people use it, but I feel I’m still acknowledging the change ive made in getting married. Like you I had real issues with the whole ‘name change/ being ‘property’ issue’ and also didn’t want to lose Raffle as I haven’t met many of them! My husband had no expectations of me to take his name or not (after all, as he said, he wasn’t going to change his name, so why should I feel pressured to?) and I’m pleased with my choice, although, like you, there have been a few vaguely disapproving faces- who have been firmly ignored!
I absolutely believe its up to the individual to choose, so if a man or woman does choose to take the others name, then great, it simply wasn’t for me (I have to admit to never having considered same sex couples and this issue- I’d love to hear some opinions from this area) but ultimately, its your name so you decide! I doubles barrelled, I have male friends who took their wife’s name, female friends who took their husbands, and couples who both double barrelled- whatever works!
As you say, its also not a forever choice- it took me 6 months to decide what to do after we married, but you have as long as you like xx
Shona I had barely considered a double-barrelled name, but this is definitely food for thought! I absolutely adore your surname ‘Raffle’ – it’s so unusual – and it sounds lovely with ‘Edwards’. Oh and I’ll definitely be firmly ignoring the disapproving faces haha!
My mum didn’t take my dad’s name on marriage (my sister and I have his name). Neither did any of my aunts when they married my uncles, and all of my mother’s colleagues in medicine kept their own name too. So I didn’t grow up necessarily expecting that I would take my future husband’s name.
Yet I am beginning to wonder if this statement of female independence was a generational thing. Not one of my married friends have kept their own name, and although one person has double-barrelled her name, her husband just kept the one, after some serious objections from his parents.
So when we got engaged, I wasn’t at all sure what I would do. I think if my fiancé had strong feelings on it, I would have happily agreed to take his name, but he doesn’t, which gave me some space to think. Two things happened that made me realise that I will be sticking with my name – the original and the best! The first was the slightly uneasy feeling I got when we received engagement cards addressed to “The Future Mr and Mrs W”, though of course we will be Mr and Mrs W! The clincher though, was when our stationer designed a monogram for us which represented only his last initial. I felt cheated out of my identity and knew I’d made my decision.
We’re not any less of a team, but we still get to be strong individuals and thats one of the things I love about our relationship the best.
I know what you mean about the generational change. I have been very surprised that all of my married or nearly married friends have or will take their husband’s surname bar one where both double barrelled. My mother’s generation seems to have taken a much more feminist approach.
Oh I know what you mean about the monogram. We came across that somewhere and my fiance and I felt that it only had his identity and not mine. We both felt very odd about it!
Aisling I had exactly the same feeling when some of our friends announced us as ‘the future Mr & Mrs…’ when we got engaged – I felt uncomfortable and a bit miffed that my lovely surname had just been dropped!
“we still get to be strong individuals and thats one of the things I love about our relationship the best” – couldn’t have said it better myself.
I can’t decide either! My husband-to-be’s last name is fairly straightforward and does work with my own, plus it will have heaps of alliteration… but I don’t feel quite ready to part with my last name. It has so much history, it alludes to a heritage I’m proud of, I don’t know that I want to let it go!
Part of me is considering adopting both names – similar to the Saccone Jolys perhaps? In Europe it’s fairly common for married women to use both surnames, so that could be an option! It’s quite the conundrum!
Good luck with your decision Dani – it’s a toughie so don’t rush it 🙂
My issue is down to a second marriage and already having a child from my first marriage. I kept my married name after my divorce, as I wanted to stay the same as my daughter, but now that I am getting married for a second time, I am very torn ! I don’t want a different surname to my daughter but equally as my fiancé says, ‘my’ name isn’t actually mine, it’s my ex-husband’s, so he’d feel weird about me keeping it when I marry HIM !! But I’ve been this surname for 12 years, would never go back to my maiden name and my 10 year old adds to the pressure saying she doesn’t want to be on her own with her surname ! Double-barrel isn’t an option as it would sound silly together – help !!! Glad it’s not just me in a dilemma though !!
Hi Emma,
Difficult decision- I see the difficulty but do understand your fiancé’s point… Would it work to change your daughter’s name (with your ex’s permission of course) and add your new married name as a middle name for her so as not to miss out? Alternatively, does your current name and your fiancé’s name work the opposite way around? Or could you even consider merging them?? Its been done!
For another perspective- I have had a different surname to my mum since I was 13, when she went back to her middle name and I obviously double-barrelled a year or so ago so we’re different now too. I can honestly say that it has never ever bothered me, or my brothers, and certainly hasn’t ever caused any problems. Maybe as she’s younger its a bigger deal though for her…
*Maiden name, not middle name
Emma, it sounds like you have a lot to think about, I don’t envy you! I think Shona’s advice is excellent – have you considered combining your surname with your husband’s, rather than double-barrelling? Best of luck with your decision xx
Hi Emma
I also kept my married name after my divorce because it felt like my name and I was comfortable with it. I didn’t want to go back to my maiden name, even though I had only changed it after giving in to pressure from everyone else to change it. So when I got remarried 10 years later I did not give in to the pressure (and there was some) and I have kept my ex-husband’s name. Everyone thinks it’s weird and it gets mentioned regularly. I am happy with the situation, although it can raise eyebrows when you introduce your husband and his name is different to yours. Luckily I don’t have any children from either marriage to worry about, but after 3 years of marriage I still get asked when I am going to change my name!
Hi Emma, I had the exact same dilemma when I married for the second time last year. My 10 yo daughter now lives in a house with 3 Isles and she’s the only Lowe. (Full story in my comment below) I don’t like it but felt that I couldn’t stay a Lowe, even after 16 years of being one. There is no way that I wanted my daughter to change her surname but I wanted to be connected to her so as I have my maiden name as a middle name, she wants that too now, so that’s what we’re going to do. Good luck finding your own solution xx
Thanks Katie and Anna, such brilliant advice. Hope this helps the original poster Emma xx
To me, it wasn’t even a question – I knew I wanted to take my husband’s name when we got married. I think the argument that taking your husband’s name makes you seem like a possession is a bit arbitrary really, when the majority of women’s maiden names are their fathers’ last names for exactly the same historical reason. Plus, my biological dad left when I was very tiny, and my mum remarried, so I grew up with a different surname to my parents, and I always thought how nice it would be for us all to have the same last name. To me, taking my husband’s name is a sign that we are part of the same team. It’s about belonging not to him, but to part of our new family. It wouldn’t have mattered a bit if he’d chosen to take my surname instead, but his last name is nicer! 🙂
Hi Emilie, it’s great to hear you’ve taken your husband’s surname for all the reasons you’ve explained, and I’m so pleased to hear you’re happy and that taking that name means you feel ‘part of the same team’ 🙂 xx
I’ll be keeping my surname. I’ve been really surprised by the reactions of a lot of people to my decision. I don’t know if it’s defensiveness or what it’s about but a lot of people are really resistant to the idea. If anything that just makes me want to dig my heels in more! My partner is okay with my decision – he said he’d prefer we have the same name but he understands my choice.
With regard to children, why is it automatically assumed that they will have a different surname from the mother. That again is a choice, and goes back to societal expectation that they will have their fathers name. We are unsure whether we will hyphenate or if they will have one of our surnames rather than a middle name.
My main reasons for keeping my name are:
– the traditions you spoke of.
– I don’t believe in doing something just because people expect it. Particularly when it comes to expectations of women.
– it’s my name. It’s always been my name. I earned my degree with this name and don’t want to have to provide additional proof that my qualifications are mine if my name changes.
– what a pain in the arse to contact everywhere I would need to contact to change it. No thanks.
But having said that, I respect other people’s decisions. If you want to change your name, great. It’s YOUR choice and you have to make the decision that’s right for you.
Emma, I’m so sorry you’ve had negative reactions from people about your decision to keep your name – that makes me so mad! Honestly, WHAT does it have to do with anyone else?!
I’m taking my husband’s name ‘officially’ (although will be sticking with my maiden name for work) and have only made this decision because I have a brother (who has married and kept our surname) and my OH has a sister (who has taken her husband’s name) so, this way, all of our surnames will keep going. Also both my OH and I will be taking my surname as a middle name and we’ll do the same with any kids. I’m a bit jealous though as I think it’s awesome when women keep their own names and DO think it’s going to be super weird suddenly being addressed with a different name!
Also – I grew up in a country where women taking their husband’s names is totally not a thing at all. My Mum, who had taken my Dad’s surname, had to revert back to her maiden name when she got a job because she had to use her original name on her tax forms or something. Was quite amusing how much faff it caused! It’s definitely not a tradition everywhere.
Hi Kate – great point about it not being tradition everywhere for the woman to take the man’s name!
Great comment Emma – I’m just like you in feeling that the more that people disapprove, the more I feel like digging my heels in! Totally agree it’s down to individual choice 🙂 x
Hi, I think this is a really personal and individual decision and no one can know what decision to make apart from the lady herself! Personally I’m onto my third surname now but wouldn’t have it any other way. When I married at 24 I found taking on my husband’s surname a real wrench! Not due to any feminine view. Simply because I was Katie Scott. It was my identity, my whole being and I struggled to become someone else. I felt that Katie Lowe was a fake, outer exterior but at my core I was still Katie Scott! It took years to fully become Katie Lowe (for the first few months I was Katie Sclowe as I kept forgetting!). Unfortunately my marriage ended and last year I became Katie Isles. I desperately wanted to be Mrs Isles. I wanted to be ‘attached’ to my husband. I wanted everyone to know that we were special and together. The only sad part about becoming an Isles was that my daughter would have a different surname and I really don’t like that, even though she appears not to mind at all, sometimes calling me mommy Isles! However, to join the two of us in our own special way I have always kept Scott as a middle name and my daughter also now has Scott too (a bit like the Spanish tradition of taking your mom and your dad’s surnames) Good luck Louisa making a decision xx
Aw Katie, thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story. It just goes to show that no two situations are the same and you have to do what’s right for you. It’s so lovely that your daughter and you share the middle name Scott, and that’s a special bond that you share with her. Mommy Isles is so cute! xx
I have been engaged for over three years (the big day is just around the corner now!) and have always planned to take me H2B’s name. I really feel it is an outward sign of the commitments we will make on the big day and I love that we will become our own family. However, this doesn’t mean I haven’t found it difficult! I have actually found it extremely difficult to reconcile myself to the fact that I wouldn’t have ‘my’ last name anymore! (Complete paradox I know!) As the years and months have gone on though, I honestly can’t wait to be my fiancé’s wife and I think it is lovely that I will be his Mrs. I have decided to change my name by deed poll though, so that although I will share my husbands surname, one of my middle names will be my maiden name- I feel this is the perfect compromise. I am also half Spanish and it is a cultural tradition to do exactly that, which adds a nice touch to my decision.
Hi Katie, great minds/same names think alike! I too kept my maiden name as a middle name & mentioned the Spanish tradition. Enjoy being a missus when your time comes 🙂 xx
That’s a lovely compromise Katie – and wonderful that it ties in with your Spanish heritage. I’m definitely going to think about that 🙂
This is my solution exactly! I have wrestled with this for months – I do want to take my husband-to-be’s surname, for us to be Mr and Mrs, but for all the reasons you mentioned in your article I really didn’t want to let my maiden name go. So, I am keeping my maiden name professionally and using it as an extra middle name. I finally feel happy about what my name will be from now on!
This is such an interesting read, as I got married in September and still haven’t decided exactly what I am going to do! Before we got married I really struggled with the idea of changing my surname from Donovan to Jones, not that I had anything against Matt’s family name, but more because I’m from a big, close knit family and I’m proud of being a Donovan. Matt’s parents simply assumed I would take his name, and Matt vaguely objected to me keeping my surname, but I still haven’t changed it anywhere. A friend of mine and her husband both double barrelled which I thought was a great idea, but Matt did not agree, although at least considering the prospect of changing his name made him a little more understanding! I think Donovan-Jones sounds quite smart so I’m swaying towards this, although I’m terrible at life admin so for now I’m hanging on to my family name.
I think Donovan-Jones sounds lovely! x
My other half and I recently discussed names and who knew we would both feel so strongly about it.
I think the other half was quite shocked at first that I wouldn’t change my name, he’s quite a traditionalist and romantic at heart. Although when I suggested a double barrel he laughed at first saying “your name will be so long”, but I guess when your name has only four letters anything is long. However he has come around and likes the double barrel idea more than me not changing my name at all. Thank goodness because I am not loosing my name, it’s who I am & if I changed it would be as if I was playing dress up.
Who knows maybe he’ll change his name in time.
It is a very personal decision, so take your time ladies and make the decision that is right for you. Just remember if you don’t change your name and do have kids remember to keep your marriage license and everyone’s birth certificates handy when travelling (a few friends and family members have fallen foul of this and it created lots of awkward questions and delays).
I think some people including husbands-to-be will not have even considered that their other half may wish to keep their name, so not surprised it can come as a surprise. Double-barrelling can definitely be the solution to that – who cares if you’ve got a long surname?! I’m also terrible at life admin Alex! Siobhan, I didn’t realise you’d have to carry around marriage certificates etc to ‘prove’ that you’re a parent… there’s so much to think about!
Even when I was a little girl, I didn’t like the idea that if I got married I would have to change my name.
I got married last year & still stuck to what I believed was right for me. I had got so upset about the whole changing my name & felt so sad to not have the same name as my brother & parents – I never thought I would feel as upset as I did.
I decided I wanted to be both names, I didn’t want to loose who I was but I also felt proud to be married to my other husband, so I compramised & double barrelled my surname name.
I think my husband was a little disappointed when I initially told him (just after we got engaged) but he understood why I felt the way I did & so did our close family.
I do have my own business & my maiden name is my business name & I do find my hubby justifying my choice to his friends when they tease him about it & he says that it’s beacuse of my business that I haven’t fully taken his name – which is not true, it’s like there is a stigma attached to me not taking his name & he feels there needs to be another reason to justify my choice to outsiders?
We haven’t got children yet & I’m happy for them to have my husbands name & in years to come I may change my mind but for now I did what was right for me & that was to be greedy & have 2 surnames ☺️ Xx
Hello Lou, I’m sure your story is familiar to a lot of the other posters. Interesting to hear that your husband’s friends tease him about it, but I’m not surprised as I think if I keep my name, a few of my fiance’s friends will also rib him for it too, which actually saddens and annoys me. I think it shows there’s a long way to go before keeping your own surname or double-barrelling is considered normal.
It’s been really interesting reading all these comments. I have been assuming that I would adopt my fiancé’s name. However, after we got engaged, he didn’t want me to be Mrs. Connor as he felt that his mother is Mrs. Connor and my identity is very much tied to my name. As we want to have the same surname, we are double-barreling and both changing our last name. Connor will stand first because it rolls of the tongue better that way around. I think double-barrels are a bit awkward but at the same time, it feels liberating that he suggested this and also that we will both be changing our names, not just me! Has anyone else ‘s other half changed their name?
I would have liked to do this, but my other half didn’t agree… I have friends who have done though and I think its a lovely modern way of doing things! That said, I wanted to add Edwards to my name, whereas my husband really didn’t want to change his, so ultimately it was still my choice, and I like being linked, but still keeping my own identity too! Any future child/ren will probably just be Edwards, but that’s mainly so that they can then choose to double barrel when the time comes, if they wish to! Rather than being Raffle-Edwards-new name, which is just too much of a mouthful!
Hey Anja, thanks for commenting. I think it’s wonderful that your husband is open to changing his name too and that the suggestion actually came from him – I would guess (and from reading the other comments) that this is pretty unusual. I salute you both!
What an interesting topic! Thanks for sharing. As a feminist, it’s something I have been giving a lot of thought about since getting engaged. My fiancé is extremely relaxed about it, and would have no problem should I decide to keep my surname. However if I’m completely honest, I don’t have a particularly strong attachment to my surname. Apart from my (amazing!) dad, we are not really close to that side of the family, which probably is one of the reasons why I don’t see changing it as an issue. I think if I had my mum’s family name however, I may feel different (I think even my dad after 30 years of marriage would agree he also has a stronger connection to my mum’s family name! ).
My overall verdict is that I don’t see myself as ‘losing’ anything by changing my surname, but rather gaining. My real identity remains the same, but links me to someone I am over the moon about choosing to be with.
I *do* currently have a rather kick-ass signature mind you, so that’s something I’m going to have to work on…. :)
Hi Clare, I don’t think you’re any less of a feminist just because you’re changing your surname; in fact I think you are celebrating your feminism by taking advantage of making an informed and considered choice! It all comes down to individual circumstances and preference at the end of the day. Oh and I’m sure your new signature will be fabulous!!
I’ve already decided that I’ll be keeping my maiden name professionally. I became a doctor before I met my fiance and I’m not only one in the family, so I feel like it’s a way of acknowledging the help they gave me to get here.
I’m struggling with the idea of changing my name outside of work too though! My fiance is very laid back about most things but insists he wants us to have the same name. But not enough to him to change it? I feel like I’ve compromised by saying I’ll double barrell my name and any children we have can have his name, but he still isn’t happy.
I haven’t really discussed it with anyone else, I’m not that bothered what people other than my fiance think!
I meant I’m the only doctor! So my surname feels extra special to people like my grandmother.
My current surname is actually my mother’s and I was raised by her and my grandmother so I think they’ve instilled their essence in my surname!
I have to admit, I know its traditional, and therefore I can understand a lot of people feel that its just ‘the thing’ to do, but I do find it a bit difficult when chaps are really quite insistent that their wife changes her name, but aren’t willing to consider changing their own…
I think a serious conversation where you ask him why he is so keen on you to change your name might be in order… You can then explain your difficulties to him and perhaps make him understand you don’t feel comfortable with it- presumably all the reasons he wouldn’t want to change are the same as yours (sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander…)
I love my double-barrelled name, but it was my choice. I’m not very good at being told what to do! Good luck, whatever you decide x
Hey Ria, I’m sure you’re not the only one whose fiance is a bit unhappy about you not changing your name. It’s probably down to how he feels his friends and family will react, rather than him having any kind of serious issue about it personally. I agree with Shona that the best way to tackle it is to try and have a plain-speaking conversation about it, and to explain how much keeping your surname means to you. Maybe you could also point him to this blog to show him that lots of women feel the same way, and that there are plenty of ladies out there who want to keep their maiden name. I found that when I asked my fiance how he would feel if he was asked to change his surname, the penny well and truly dropped. I’m sure your fiance will grow to understand in time. Best of luck with it – would be great to hear how you get on xx
Thanks Shona and Louisa Marie, and sorry for the late reply! We have talked about it extensively (calmly!) and we both understand and appreciate each other’s views. He wouldn’t be with me if he wanted someone he could boss around so he’s well aware that I don’t do things I don’t want to do! But I also respect him and his feelings so won’t dismiss his thoughts out of hand.
His friends have wives who haven’t changed their names and he isn’t easily led by what other people are doing, It’s more of an intrinsic feeling that he has. It’s not that radical, I think lots of men feel like this!
Ultimately I will probably double barrel because that is what I am most comfortable with.
I am getting married in July, and have always been sure that I was not going to change my name. I don’t like the idea for a number of reasons, which include everything from my distaste for the historical allusions, to the pragmatic fact that I am developing a career as a writer, and changing my name would be slightly catastrophic in terms of my bibliography, all the way down to my affection for my own unusual name!
My main issue has in fact been not to do with name, but with title. As a teacher (my day-job!), I feel as though I am a member of one of the last professions which relies so heavily upon knowing whether someone is a Miss or a Mrs – we’ll ignore for the time-being the completely frustrating fact that my male colleagues are all addressed as ‘Sir’, regardless of marital status. While I accept that in day-to-day conversations, I will be ‘Miss’ even if I marry 100 times over, I am still struggling with how I want to be addressed more formally and publicly within the school. Remaining as Miss Birchenough seems to imply that nothing has changed, going to ‘Ms’ has the nuance of an entirely different statement, and ‘Mrs Birchenough’ (eighteenth-century style) is my father’s wife, not me! Answers on a postcard…
Lucy – great question! I have to say that since I got engaged I’ve started embracing ‘Ms’. I couldn’t give a toss about the connotations or otherwise of ‘Ms’, and I quite like the fact that it does’t define me by way of my marital status. As usual it’s much easier for men who have one title ‘Mr’. Being a teacher you’ll have to pick something you’re happy with though – I don’t use my title in everyday speak like you do!
I’m going to take my other half’s name as we have a daughter who is quite desperate for us all to have the same name so I think it will be special because of her. My other half doesn’t mind and has left it up to me to decide which is lovely. I’m a singer and will be keeping my maiden name as my ‘stage name’ (It’s Lucy Kitchen which is a pretty good one I think!) which feels good and I guess I feel like I’m keeping a key part of my identity.
Lucy Kitchen is a great name! It’s wonderful that you’re changing it in ‘normal life’ to be the same as your daughter though xx
I’m torn between keeping my own name or adding my husband’s on to the end. To me feminism means choice – it doesn’t mean you’re a bad feminist if you decide to take your husband’s name, what’s more important is the freedom of choice to do it or not. Most of us will have our father’s surname, a name which is taken from a man, and historically signified you as property of your father, in the same way taking your husband’s name signified transfer of ownership to him. Both of these traditions have wiped out generations of matriarchal lineage. Perhaps we should all become Princess Consuela Bananahammock and be done with it! Whatever I decide, I’ll do so in my own time. 🙂 LLxx
I love this Lindsey- feminism means choice to me too- it doesn’t matter what you decide to do as long as you’re happy with the decision and the choice was yours x
“To me feminism means choice – it doesn’t mean you’re a bad feminist if you decide to take your husband’s name, what’s more important is the freedom of choice to do it or not. ”
Nail on head, Lindsey- I couldn’t agree more! There is no right or wrong choice for this one, it’s about being free to make that decision for yourself. x
Couldn’t have said it better myself Lindsey!!! Kind of like Consuela Bananahammock 😉 xx
‘Princess Consuela Bananahammock’ ? Hehehe!!
I love that you have referenced feminism being about choice. It is to me too, though I’m sadly not a fan of the word ‘feminism’. At all! It’s a semantics thing – I think the words is divisive and that it’s perceived so negatively by so many because the word ‘feminism’ doesn’t sound like it’s the right word to represent something referring to equality for every sex and gender. I wish to goodness the movement would rebrand and stop using this word! It bugs the hell out of me. Just to be clear however, I live my life and am raising my kids by ‘feminist’ values. It’s just that darn word!
Glad I got that off my chest!
Completely understand and respect your situation too Lindsey – you take your time in deciding – what’s the rush? 😉
Love A xx
Oh Lord, I promised myself I’d avoid any discussions over the term feminist as it can just get so tricky, but I hope you can see where I’m coming from. I also fully understand the word is rooted in struggle and that that struggle belonged/belongs to women – I get that, but no matter how hard I try I just don’t feel comfortable with the choice of actual word to represent the movement (and history of conflict/struggle etc etc). Can’t for the life of me think of a really genuinely good alternative though.
Hmm……
Your feminist friend,
A x 🙂
Frankly I never even considered changing my name and definitely won’t but I have been very surprised that other people (mostly people I don’t know very well) feel the need to express their strong opinions on something so personal. It should be a choice between the couple and only affecting any children they have. It does also bother me that more men don’t change their names, it seems like it’s always up to the woman to make concessions so that both have the same or a similar name, men just don’t agonise over such things like we do hence why it’s still fairly uncommon for a man to take his wife’s name or double barrel. My fiancé won’t consider changing his name for exactly the same reasons I won’t take his so we are even on that score, it definitely makes life easier. On the children issue I grew up with a different surname to my mother and a translated version of my dad’s so always had my own name and it never bothered me at all. I don’t really buy the ‘it’s your dad’s surname anyway’ argument either because it doesn’t matter where it comes from, it’s your name and your identity just like your first name – if you are named after another person it becomes your name which just happens to be the same as someone else. I do love the Spanish way of giving both surnames, it doesn’t look forced or awkward because everyone has two names. Many people end up just using one for ease but generally the one they prefer.
Hi Caoimhe, thanks so much for posting. I can feel the frustration in your comment and I feel it too – listening to other people opine on the subject all day and make judgements about what I feel very strongly is MY decision was what compelled me to write the blog in the first place. Might ditch the fiance and move to Spain haha!
I love this reply Caoimhe, it says a lot for me about how the younger generations marrying today are moving on and not seeing this as so much of a ‘thing’ as past generations have/did. I bet some of those folk expressing those strong opinions are a little older than you. It’s encouraging to read feedback from someone seemingly not stressing over this at all.
Love A xx
I am keeping my own surname as it is quite unique and I feel its part of my identity. My fiance has no problems with this and has actively encouraged this. He will be keeping his own name. (I find it strange that its still expected for a woman to completely change her name but if you ask a man to do so its seen as a bizarre thing to do. Should work both ways in my opinion).
Neither of us feel that not having the same surname means we are any less of a unit or family. We don’t need to prove to the outside world we are married by having the same name, we know it and the people that matter to us know it. We aren’t planning to have children, but if we do I have no issues not having the same surname. I am the first one in my family and friends to do this, and most people didn’t even think to ask if I would keep my surname, which is surprising to me. We haven’t told my fiance’s family yet as we expect fireworks and there are already major disagreements over the wedding planning as it is. Any tips on how to break the news? Also, does anyone know how you are announced on the wedding day when you get married but keep your own surname? (i.e. not Mr and Mrs Whatever?)
I would suggest not saying anything to them unless it comes up and then, just say ‘Oh, I’ll be keeping my name’, no reasons, excuses or discussions. If they don’t mention it just let them assume what they wish and then just carry on as normal….
We were announced as ‘The bride and Groom- Shona and Jack’ which worked perfectly for us! I have no problem with being called Mrs Edwards, but its not really my name… x
Shona thanks for your response to the original comment – brilliant advice. I’ll be following that if I do decide to keep my name. Thank you xx
Love discussions like this and Im with you, I married two years ago and haven’t taken my husbands name ANDY during these past two years we had a baby boy. He has my husbands name (we live in france where you have to explaim why your child doesn’t have his fathers name). At the moment this doesn’t bother me at all. He is still my son, I look after him daily, I carried him for 9 months, I am his mummy. Even when travelling alone with him and I have to pull out birth certificates to prove I am not kidnapping him, I am not phased. He is my son. A name is something we have, our identity but doesn’t prove our relationship. I was with my now husband for 13yrs before we got married, changing my name after that didn’t make sense, it didn’t prove our love, relationship or bond. That’s exactly the same with my son and I.
All my friends and family changed their names upon marriage, which is their choice, it just wasn’t for me.
Hi Jill – thanks so much for commenting here. I’ve got a different surname to my son and we got the third degree last time we travelled together. Luckily, my son’s 13 and was well able to answer the “can you tell me who you’re travelling with?” questions at passport control! However, it does make me sad that I’m told I need to travel with proof of identity documents linking me to my son and a letter from his Dad to prove that we’re related! It’s the small issues like this that mean that gender equality is still a long way away.
Tamryn, that’s really interesting. I haven’t changed my passport yet so Grace and I are travelling together nicely. I may now wait until my passport expires in 4 years to update my name so that she’ll be older before she has to face border control questions! 🙁 xx
I never realised this would be such an issue for women travelling with their kids. It’s kind of ludicrous!
Jill thanks for your comment – your word about your son are so heartwarming x
I took my husbands name when we got married after much conflict in my head and my heart! I consider myself a feminist and a number of my female friends we’re very quick to judge and query my decision. I didn’t see a name change as going against any ideas I already held, but I felt their harsh comments about becoming a possession and loosing my true identity hard to take. I did struggle to come to terms with saying goodbye to my maiden name…I identify a lot of my personality traits with my family name so it’s a bit strange to have a totally new one all of a sudden.
But I can honestly say I have never felt like a possession in my relationship. Im lucky that ive found another feminist to share my life with; the only difference is that he has a beard! He encourages me to do what feels right with my life, supports my choice on everything from what bread we buy to what career path I take and truly views me as his equal. I wouldn’t change a thing now, especially after seeing the huge smile on my other half’s face the first time I had to spell my name to someone! After joking that I was stuck with “the burden!” he’d carried from birth, he grinned and told me it was nice to that he had me to share the load with now.
I’m still the same firey, smiley and bouncy Newman I used to be who will happily share my feminist principles with anyone, anywhere and without shame…I just get to share all that with my new husband and my new name, which is kinda exciting when you really think about it! For me, it’s all about choice and we’re so lucky as women now that we have that option to do what feels right and what is best for us as an individual.
Absolutely Ellen, by no means do I think that changing your surname means you’re your husband’s possession or that you’ve given up on feminist values – as long as the choice was there and you made the choice freely, that’s what feminism is all about to me !!
I do love this debate Louisa, I love how Love My Dress covers these kinds of topics.
This is something me and my husband really debated over for a few years prior to our wedding day and it makes me feel so much better hearing just how many others debate this too.
Firstly I just want to say for all the women who have kept their own name for their own reasons I think you should be proud. Choosing something because its what feels right is much more of a reason that just because its tradition. I think you should do what pleases you and certainly don’t listen to other people, everyone’s got an opinion you’ll never get away from that but that doesn’t mean you have to listen to them.
Taking your husbands name is of course a tradition that has been going on for years and years and if you ask most men why they want you to take their name these days most will just reply with that’s what’s done, its tradition, some don’t even know why.
My maiden name is double barreled (it was my parents second marriage and my mother wanted all of us to have the same name). I am proud of my family, our name and my parents and it was EXTREMELY important to me to keep my name. I wanted my husband to take my name but he wanted to keep his own name and he wanted me to have it too. There were a few debates to say the least. My biggest stipulation was, if I keep my own name that my children would take my name too leaving my husband the only one without the same name which I wouldn’t have liked.
I thought about it long and hard, I thought about my husband and how much he wanted me to take his name so we could be a family and how much it meant to him and I decided on my own in the end after much deliberation that I would take his name and that we would have children and create the same meaning I felt about my maiden name. My maiden name is still who I am its in my blood and I am so proud to be apart of a wonderful family but now I proudly take my husbands name and I have changed over all my important documents including my passport…we are one and I am happy to take his name because I love him dearly.
In the end, I realized I was still me no matter what name I had. It just meant me and my husband where now a family of our own and I liked that idea.
Thanks so much for sharing this Christina – I love what you say at the end…
“In the end, I realized I was still me no matter what name I had. It just meant me and my husband where now a family of our own and I liked that idea.”
Cheer!!xx
Everyone has made really interesting and clever points, so I don’t have anything original to add (!) But the one thing I would say, is that you should go with your gut. When I started pondering whether or not I should change my name, I felt excited about the prospect of having the same name as my fiancé – and no one was more surprised than him, because he assumed I would keep my surname! All the complications such as relatives’ opinions, what happens if you have children – these can all be sorted. Lindsey is completely right – being a feminist means embracing the fact that you have a choice. Just decide whether the thought of changing your name makes you happy or sad, and then go with that 🙂 x
Emily that’s a brilliant piece of advice – probably the best way to judge what you should do. Go with your gut!
I’m getting married in just under 5 weeks now eek! I am beyond excited and part of this excitement is also because I will be changing my name to my partners surname! I have never thought of keeping my name, we have a 3 year old daughter and I can’t wait so we all match. She is really happy about this and keeps telling me that I am going to be mummy same name just like her. I feel it unites us as a family and I am very proud that it will show I am my partners wife. Roll on June 9th!! 🙂
Aw that’s lovely Rebecca – how exciting that your wedding is so close!! Congratulations and have a wonderful day xxx
Oh my goodness, what a topic! When I got married and people asked me “Will you be taking your husband’s name?” my response was always “Of course, why wouldn’t I?!” It seemed so bizarre to even consider not changing my surname, it being such a definitive symbol of being ‘married’ for me. However, as time went on, my family would joke about me leaving ‘Team Plant’, and my friends would tease about not being able to call me ‘Planty’ anymore, I thought more and more about keeping my name, and wished at times that I hadn’t been so blasé about leaving it behind. I decided to go with it, and became Rachel Randles when I married my husband in March. To me, it’s like a new name for a new story, a new adventure – and a fresh start in my life. I’ll always be known to my friends as ‘Planty’, and I’ll always be in ‘Team Plant’, but now I can start my own team, and I think that’s really exciting. xx
I do like the name Rachel Randles (good alliteration!) and it’s fab that you feel so excited about your new adventure 🙂 xx
I am marrying my partner in 2016 and, as we are both girls, it is exciting for us to make our own traditions and choices.
I know other same sex couples have chosen a new name to share but that feels a bit unnecessary to me.
We haven’t come to a final, final decision about it but we will probably double up. We use our names professionally and so at work we will be Mrs… Whatever we were before but personally we will use both names on our documentation.
We want the names to represent a union and coming together of ourselves and our families so using both names seems to make sense.
Surely the most important thing these days is that we do have a choice. And if you want to take someone else’s name – why not?!
Hi Vicky, yes it must be exciting not to be bound by traditions or convention. Thank you so much for commenting, I was wondering a lot about same-sex couples, and how two girls or two guys would decide what name to take. I think it’s wonderful that you’re choosing a name that represents two people and their families coming together 🙂 Looking forward to reading your Lovette posts xx
I LOVE this post. Firstly because we are due to marry this July so its been quite the talking point amongst both of our families. However, I am choosing to stick with my own. Much as you said, its who I have become and I feel I have grown into a name that has a weight behind it historically, which I’m rather proud of. There are also no boys in our family to carry it on for me. So it makes me feel a little uncomfortable opting for a name that I don’t think I would ever feel is my own at this stage in my life. I understand and love the idea of it bringing people close together as a unit, but its just not for me. I also can’t seem to shake where the tradition of it came from! Each to their own and I have no opinion on whether it should be one way or the other it just doesnt work for me. I am just happy that we have a choice now and that choice being something that allows us to feel both empowered, comfortable and loved. xx
Thanks Kiki, I’m so glad you like the post and that it resonated with you 🙂 xx
I’m really pleased to see this topic being embraced! I too struggled with the name change, after all I had achieved so much in my maiden name and felt very reluctant to see it go…so compromise for myself was in order and double barrelled I have gone (and maybe also because I’m a closet feminist).
I’m so glad you like the post Kaye. Why a ‘closet’ feminist?!xx
See my comment below 🙂 xx
I completely understand your reference to being a ‘closet feminist’ Kaye. I have said it forever but I still think that in 2015, the term ‘feminist’ for feminists just isn’t helpful. I prefer to think of myself as a ‘humanist’ or ‘everyone-ist’ or even a ‘universalist’…….! I have strong ‘feminist’ values but I don’t think the term does the movement any favours as on face value it represents only one of our sexes only. I can’t be the only one who doesn’t see this?!? YES I support feminist values but I so wish the movement/media would usea term that more holistically represents what feminism stands for.
I am one of 5 children, we all have my fathers surname, and my mum had hers. When I was little I just thought mums were special and had their own name! I do come from an area where most women seemed to keep their maiden names (I can list off at least 10 school friend’s mums who did)
The original plan was for the boys to have my dads name and the girls my mums, but as I was the 3rd child with 2 older brothers they thought it might be a bit odd if I was the only girl and thus the only one with a different surname!
I have always liked my name, other than my dad and 4 siblings I know nobody else with the name. I don’t dislike my fiancés name, but I don’t love it, and therefore I shall keep my name. I will become a Mrs, something my mum never did, but I won’t change my surname.
The plan is to call our first child by my surname (as their Christian name) but we’ll see when the time comes if that is something we still want to do!!
Have the name you want!!
Great comment Rosie, and interesting to hear of women who kept their maiden names ‘back in the day’ – I had assumed it happened incredibly rarely. I’m sure your Mum is super-special 🙂 xx
I absolutely love that the little version of you thought that mums were special and had their own name, that is the sweetest thing! 🙂
And what a great solution to the name issue – keeping your name but becoming a ‘Mrs’. Perfect!
Thanks so much for commenting Rosie,
Love Annabel x
With a lot of discussion about our thoughts and feelings it was clear that it was important to both of us that we shared a name and marked the partnership, we toyed with creating a new name from both our surnames. A friend commented that it sounded like a twee English village and it put us off that option so we both adopted double barrelled!
Dawn this did make me giggle. Would you share the surname that sounded like a twee English village?!
Wow, I’m overwhelmed by the brilliant and insightful responses to my post, thank you so much!! It’s truly fascinating to hear your opinions and experiences, and I think it’s wonderful that they’re so varied – other half’s names, maiden names, double-barrelled names, middle-surnames… when it comes down to it, isn’t it just marvellous that we live in a time and a place where we can have this discussion and decide what is right for us as newly(and not so newly)weds? I’m definitely going to take some time tomorrow to reply to you all (it’s been a 5:30am-11pm day for me today!) – and thanks again for all the comments xxxx
“when it comes down to it, isn’t it just marvelous that we live in a time and a place where we can have this discussion and decide what is right for us”
couldn’t agree more Louisa, well done on your post!! x
“when it comes down to it, isn’t it just marvellous that we live in a time and a place where we can have this discussion and decide what is right for us”
Absolutely spot on. And I love how there’s no judgement among the LMD community- we all just want what’s best for the individual!
I’ve been married for two months. I love love love being married – but for me, it was a no brainer and I have kept my own name. It’s been my name for 35 years and I’m not going to change it now. I identify with that name and am incredibly proud of everything me and my name have achieved over the years! I would be terribly sad to let it go. My husband entirely agrees with my decision – he’s a feminist, hoorah – and didn’t for a second think I would change my name anyway. We have discussed what surname our children would take if we have a family and he would quite like them to take his, as he loves his name (he thinks it’s distinguished!! Ha!). I personally don’t mind at all – my decision to keep my name has nothing to do with me wanting to ‘carry on a family name’, and I don’t think it’s any ‘better’ than my husbands name, it’s just that IT’S MY NAME! Also – what a massive arse and expense to change your name on everything, huh? That said – girl power to all the ladies out their who DO change their names. It’s a personal choice and you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ruth, that’s exactly how I feel – the thought of giving up my surname makes me feel very sad! Yay to your feminist husband. I think there are a lot of them out there – even if they don’t know it 😉 xx
My last name is very very rare and so I feel like I should keep my last name, as a pointer for anyone in the future who is doing family research! It also felt like it was honouring my grandparents in a way, who were refugees in WWII, and I desperately wanted to keep it. I mentioned this to my fiance, and he has happily decided to take my name! It was a little bit touch and go with his family, but they are now fully supportive.
This is so lovely Sam, thank you for sharing x
How wonderful that you’re preserving your grandparents’ name and their important heritage. So brilliant that your fiance wanted to take that name too! You’ve obviously got a goodun there Sam!x
I thought I’d add my two cents here!
I’m getting married in June, and won’t be talking my other half’s name. He’d never expect me too, though there is a little ongoing discussion about whether we should double barrel as he likes the idea of being a unit. Currently I am struggling with not having the same name, even if it’s only changed by adding more – I identify very strongly with my name, and it’s also my mothers.
My parents never married (still together 30+ years on) and the agreement was that the first child’s gender would decide the name (it was as good a decision maker as any and also added the randomness factor). I was a girl, so I got my mum’s surname, and Armstrong (my dad’s) as a very treasured middle name. I think had my sister been a boy there would have been some discussion about whether we’d have different surnames – I suspect they’d have stuck with Cooke at that point.
Just a different way of doing it. But then, I’m still surprised I’m getting married at all and will definitely be a Ms not a Mrs (I don’t like the idea of anyone being able to judge me by marital status when it’s completely irrelevant) so maybe I’m not quite the norm!
Has anyone else done anything like that?
What an interesting story Lauren, thank you for sharing. Your parents’ approach is really great. I like ‘Ms’ too – I find the ‘Miss’ / ‘Mrs’ signifier quite uncomfortable! Best of luck with your final wedding prep and have a fabulous day in June xx
Lauren, I completely agree re the title signifiers available to women being ridiculous- I tried out Ms and got very sick of being asked if I was divorced (as you clearly know, that is NOT what Ms means! Grr) but I might go back to it…
Lauren, my mother and stepfather did that. They both had 2 kids separately (all with dad’s respective surnames) and when they had 2 children together the agreement was girl gets mum’s surname and boy gets dad’s. They ended up with 2 girls so their dad’s surname is the middle name.
Great topic for discussion! This has been on my mind a lot since I got married three weeks ago.
When I was younger I always hated my surname and the idea of being able to change it if I got married was always appealing, and I always liked my now husband’s surname much more than my own. However, over the course of our long term relationship prior to getting married my opinions on this began to change as I became aware of the reasons behind why a woman changes her surname. After I qualified as a doctor and had been working for quite some time the idea that I would then change my name gradually changed completely.
I therefore went into our marriage firmly decided that I would not change my name, and was lucky that my husband completely supported my decision. I would have probably gone down the double-barrel route if it wasn’t that our surnames sounded so ridiculous together!
What has really surprised me though is that I had almost expected that my thoughts might change, but in fact I’m even more firmly decided on this since our marriage. The idea that I should lose my name, albeit one that I never much liked, feels like a massive loss of identity. However I’m surprised how many people still seem to switch to the default assumption that I have not only taken my husband’s name but that I am also now a Mrs not a Dr. This has extended even to my colleagues at work, to whom I have never been anything but a doctor. For the sake of politeness I have to try and quell my inner feminist who wants to scream that no-one would say this for a man!
For me I have to some extent accepted that people will make this assumption about my name (although still pretty cross about the title!) and will not try to correct them as I think it could just get a bit tiresome and can come across in the wrong way. But I’m happy with my decision and think that unless you’re ever 100% set on changing your name, it’s always a good idea to hold off before you start changing any documents, there will always be at least one person who addresses you as Mrs such and such, and you might be surprised what your reaction to this is…..
Thanks for leaving such a detailed comment Jacqui and congratulations on your wedding! It’s unbelievable how many people you’ve described as assuming you were a Mrs, not a Dr! Especially when you’ve worked so hard and for so long to get that title. I think it’s a good idea to take your time over making any decision unless you’re 100% confident – your gut reaction to someone addressing you as ‘Mrs X’ may be telling!
I am getting married in 4 months and I have been debating this for ages. We are the last to get married out of our friends which has resulted in us being a bit older when we tie the knot so I have had my name for quite a while and the thought of not having is weird for me. I hate how so many people then forget your maiden name once you have changed it. I also don’t like to do things because it is expected of you, the amount of people who have asked me what my name will be after I am married has infuriated me, and I often respond by saying it might just be the same.
My other half is keen for me to change my name but is not being too pushy about it, which I love him for, if he was adamant that I should change my name there would be no wedding!
When it comes to the point about kids, I have the same surname as my dad but not my mum, my mum never changed her name. While this has never bothered me as her child I’m not sure I would want to have a different name from my kids when/if we have them (and I would be happy with them having my partners surname).
I am definitely moving towards taking my partners name once we are married, if I do take it it will be because I want to, not because it is tradition or what is expected of me.
I kept my surname when I got married in July 2011. I don’t care what people think.
Bravo. A woman who knows what she wants and isn’t phased by what anyone else thinks of it at all. You get my vote Jennsie 🙂
I am getting married in 4 months and I have been debating this for ages. We are one of the last couples in our group to get married so it means we are a bit older and I will have had my maiden name for a long time. There would also be a brief period of time when people don’t know who I am, like sending emails to people at work and they won’t recognise my name.
My other half is keen for me to take his name but isn’t putting any pressure on me, which is just as well because I don’t think there would be a wedding if he had that attitude!
I don’t really like the expectation from people that I will be changing my name and I have been asked loads what my name will be after I am married, my reply is normally awkward saying that it might just be the same as it is now. Nobody asks if my other half is changing his name.
As far as the point goes about having the same name as your kids, I don’t have the same name as my mum and it didn’t bother me as her child but I don’t think I would want a different name from my kids when/if we have them and would be happy for them to have my partner’s name.
At this moment, I am leaning more towards changing my name but I have so many arguments for and against that I am still finding coming to a final decision hard.
Take your time Keyleigh. There is no rush in deciding, and hopefully, the many replies left here will help you come to a decision you are completely 100% comfortable with.
Sending much love and all the very best for the next 4 months!
Love Annabel xx
We’re getting married in 5 weeks and I have thought long and hard about this so it was really interesting to read this article! We have decided to combine and double barrel, first my surname then his. I don’t don’t want to lose my name, it’s who I’ve always been and my Dad has always told us we should be proud of our surname. Luckily my fiance is happy with this and has always been understanding.
But interestingly some of my friends don’t think it’s right and are very traditional about how a woman should take a man’s name. Similarly my fiance has experienced some jokes from his friends about taking a woman’s name. I think in this day and age it’s a bit silly and you have to go with what feels right for you as a couple.
My sister is married to a woman who has the same first name as her, so they couldn’t change to the same surname or it would be very confusing! My sister has instead kept her name and her partner has double barreled her surname and our surname.
My decision to change my name was dead easy … until September last year I was “Jo Failes” (yes, you read that correctly … you can imagine the teasing in high school!) and my new name, in full, “Joanna Mary Singletary” makes me smile every time I hear or say it, with it’s sing-song style!
There are however times that I do miss my old moniker. I love that “Failes” is quite a rare, unique surname. And it was with me for 37 years. But now I’m embarking on a brand new adventure with Mr Singletary. I just make sure I take my marriage certificate wherever I go when it comes to admin issues! 🙂
Brilliant topic Louisa – and I loved reading your comments everyone! xxx
I am not married to my partner (whom I have been with for 14 years now) and have no (current) plans to do so. However, if we ever did cross that bridge, I would always want to maintain what I see is ‘my’ name and in particular as tribute to my father. However, I would be happy to be known as Mr & Mrs + His surname. Likewise, my daughter has her father’s surname, she also has my middle name as her first name so there is a bit of both there. I have no problem with that. I don’t find it being akward being a different name. Additionally, I never take offence when people refer to me as Mrs (+ his surname) nor do I correct them if they don’t need to know (it can cause embarrassment so what’s the point). As a footnote, I would like to add that often when booking taxis, a restaurant etc, my other half often uses my name. His is unusual and difficult to spell, mine is straightforward!
This is such an interesting discussion and funnily enough something I was planning to touch upon in one of my Lovette’s posts. I have always been of the opinion that I would keep my own name whenever I got married (even before I had met my other half or was engaged) and even though I too have had some negative reactions, it’s a decision that I know I’m going to stick by. Like you there are many reasons behind me wanting to keep my name, but mainly because it feels like ‘me’. I’ve lived with this name for 30 years and it’s part of who I am, it represents me and the person I’ve become and perhaps most importantly it represents the person that Stu fell in love with. I also run my own business which is under this name, have written many articles I’m proud of under this name and dream of one day writing my own novel under this name. So many of my achievements have been as this person and this name that changing to a new name, a name that isn’t familiar or everyday, one that I have to think about when signing or don’t react to when someone calls it, a name that isn’t ‘me’, just doesn’t feel right. I have no problem with other people taking their husbands name, as Lindsey said we are all very lucky that we live in a society with choices, and I completely understand all of the reasoning behind wanting to become a family and to unite but for me I feel my personal identity is too strong to lose. I am 100% committed to Stu and to our forthcoming marriage, not taking his name doesn’t change the fact that I want to be his family for the rest of my life, but I simply don’t understand why loving someone, committing to them and marrying them should have to equal losing your whole identity. Like Aisling, I too received cards addressed to ‘Mrs and Mrs W to be’ after our engagement and the fact that people didn’t even consider that I might not want to be a ‘Mrs W’ really frustrated me. I felt as if within days of being engaged, I had already lost my identity. I’m lucky that Stu really couldn’t mind one bit and knows and loves me enough that he wouldn’t expect anything else (I think part of what he loves about me is my independence and strong willed nature) Perhaps when we have children I might re-consider but for now I’m remaining as I am.
P.S sorry for being so late to the party with this comment – wedding planning has a habit of running away with all my spare time and I’m only getting around to catching up on all of my fave blogs!
Jac
x
I am a husband who took his wifes name after marriage. She already had a very successful career as an attorney and was a partner in the firm. She couldn’t change her name, and we both wanted to be a unified family with one name, so the choice was clear. The responses I get are pretty across the board. Some women applaud me for it, saying that it is wonderful to see a man be able to do that, others scoff and say that it is not right. I don’t know why so many people care about this issue honestly. The only thing that bothers me is that there is no term for a mans previous name, so people ask me all the time what my maiden name is!
Thanks for joining the discussion Robbi and apologies for the delay in replying! I have to say, you are the first man I have come across who has changed his surname. I’ve heard of a few who have taken on a double barrelled name with their wife but this is new to me. I recently asked my husband if he would have done it and the reply was a resounding no! I’d love to see more men like you in the future so that couples have the confidence to make the choice that suits them both rather than doing simply what’s ‘acceptable’.
Getting married 06/08/16. We will be both taking a new surname that we have chosen together.
Fantastic post, I love reading something to spark a new topic for me and my fiancé to discuss on the lead up to our marriage.
This has been a topic that has been a large part of our relationship since we first met, oddly enough, as our surnames rhyme – I am Mower and he is Blower.
This is clearly very funny and we love it as we are referred to by our surnames more than forenames, but I have no idea what to do when we become husband and wife.
I always wanted to double barrel my surname, for a couple of reasons;
I am my fathers only child and I have a female cousin on his side, so I want to keep some family history with me. I also love my surname, and as I mentioned it has been used as a nickname so strongly that I often don’t get called Chloe most of the time.
I do however feel that I want to have the same name as my spouse because we are a team, a new little family unit and when we have children I do want to have the same name as them.
My fiancé and I are very equal in our relationship so I would never feel by taking his name I would become his property, but I am still finding it hard to make the choice. The discussion continues…
So Chloe, we’re a couple of months further down the line and I’m intrigued to know whether you have come to a conclusion yet?? 😉
I think having the same name as your family is nice however I do not feel comfortable with the expectation that the wife will take the husbands name.
Until it is equally as common for the man to take his wife’s surname I would not consider changing my name unless it was to a new name created by ourselves.
To me it suggest the husband is considered to have more value and worth than the woman and her own history up to that point.
I think it should be a mutual decision and not based on tradition, lots of children nowadays have unmarried or remarried parents or siblings from an earlier marriage or relationship all with different surnames names. Many also now get married more than once.
I think it will matter less and less in the future.
I also find it strange being addressed as Mrs
Since we married my husband has not had to go intro every introduction and say hello “I’m Married” which is exactly what Miss or Mrs does
I often opt for Ms but I think that also comes with its own connotations.