Tucked up in bed the other night, after a long day at work and sleepy discussion regarding a few niggly wedding things, my wonderful fiancé snuggled up beside me and said the words, “I don’t think we’re close enough anymore”.
Heart sink.
Allow me to elaborate.
We’ve been together nearing seven years now, and whilst everyone thinks that their Fiance/husband is the best, I know for certain that mine must be (as I’m sure you all do). He’s gentle, kind, considerate, affectionate, supportive, encouraging and every good adjective I can conjure up. He’s my one because he made me stronger and more independent just by rocking up and being by my side all these years. I thought everything between us couldn’t be better, so hearing those words spoken by my best friend was like a dagger to my soul.
Yet despite that, I was thrilled; it’s taken years of persuasive coaching his for him to learn how to vocalise his sensitive side and we’ve always had a pact that we raise any such sensitive issues with one another; not as criticism, but as essential ‘relationship elements’ that need addressing.
My dad had an affair for 8 months when I was 21 and my parents very nearly divorced. Whilst I’m still a little uneasy about that, and vehemently detest unfaithfulness, I learnt a lot from their experience. I learnt that you have to constantly talk and address matters, that two people can contribute to difficulties and that there are no ‘rules’. Most importantly, I learnt that in the right circumstances, it can be possible for two adults to fight it out and glue their broken bits back together again.
Strangely enough, my parents did just that and have never been happier, and from the experience, I have been able to instil into my fiance, that we must talk and address matters always, both openly and honestly.
Over the years, this nurturing of our relationship has taken many forms, but mostly via this question from me; ‘Do you think we’ve lost some intimacy?’, ‘Do you think we need a regular date night?’, ‘I don’t feel as though you make enough effort anymore?’.
And yet this time, here were the words, “I don’t think we’re close enough anymore”.
Cue the questions from me, each one responded to by him with a sheepish snuggle further, and many he felt he couldn’t explain.
“Do you mean as in a lack of intimate times together?”
“No”
“Ok…” (panic/mind blank/what does he mean?/paranoid he wants to leave me thoughts!) “I’m pleased you’ve told me, I am, it just would really help me to understand what you feel you need more of”
“I just mean this” he said as he wrapped my arm a bit tighter around him.
So that got me thinking, and feeling rather Carrie Bradshaw-esque; isn’t the whole idea of a wedding about love and togetherness? Isn’t preparing to become a bride and groom meant to bring you together more closely? Or is there a key ingredient of wedding planning that is simply overlooked or that no one mentions – one about making sure you remember to nurture the intimacy you share?
We eat together every evening without any distractions, we’ve planned the wedding together, we’re at the same activity clubs and we spend many weekends together doing shared hobbies. Despite this though, we’re missing closeness?
There really is something about just being together that’s so precious isn’t there? And maybe, filling every second of your time with activities and things to do, even if they bring togetherness, doesn’t always bring that level of intimacy you require in a relationship – that ‘closeness’.
And when I stop to reflect, I can see why he feels this way; we have busy modern-day lives, we both have full-time professional jobs, his involving unsocial hours and weekend work. I study part-time, we both exercise and need to find time for that, and we have the mundane bores of a 4-bedroom house which urgently requires some attention (hello neglected scummy sink!). Plus, we’re 2+ weeks away from ‘the biggest day of our lives’, the day which every-time I realise how close it is, I stop breathing for five minutes.
I guess I just wanted to share this with my fellow Love My Dress community. As a bride in a world of peacocking Instagram (you know what I mean, right?) who is surrounded by wonderful wedding days which don’t portray any faults, and who is often reminded to ‘enjoy the planning!’, it can leave you feeling completely overwhelmed. I can spend an entire ‘wedmin’ day at home compiling photo compilations, writing vows, writing his ‘letter for you to read on the morning of our wedding’ and feeling full to bursting with pride, love, adoration and happiness. And then I can read my mammoth to-do list, feel like I’m drowning, and by the time he’s home from his weekend shift, he’s met with a torrent of panic and negativity.
Y’know what, sometimes that planning isn’t great and the reality of our day-to-day lives and what we’re planning for gets lost. I’ve concluded that perhaps you can plan together and enjoy life together and yet still feel a sense of disconnect, because closeness is more unspoken than that.
I’m excited for our wedding day but I’m more excited for our marriage. The wedding, when all is said and done, has little to do with our marriage but it’s going to send us off with a fabulous confetti-wielding bang and a hangover. What’s important to me is reflectively and more crucially, communication – however hard those conversations are now, or in the future. If we’re spending all our time planning our wedding and all of our lives trying to do this that and the other, then are we neglecting the one incredibly precious thing that is the reason for everything in the first place – the one cherished thing that holds it all together?
As a final note, we decided to go to bed 30 minutes earlier each evening. You’ll be surprised what you can make time for, and how much a quilt tug-of-war can really lift your mood. Closeness is seems isn’t something you buy, but is something you can make, and we should all never lose sight of that.
After-all, what’s the use of a wedding, or a marriage or a lifetime together without it?
I’d love to hear your thoughts – and remember you can leave them anonymously if you wish. Are you struggling to find closeness and intimacy in your relationship? Have all the efforts required to plan your wedding hindered your closeness? Have you given thought to how you might be able to recover some of that closeness?
Love Clare x
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Our lovely blog reader Clare has contributed to our ‘From The Heart’ eature – a new weekly Sunday spot on the blog where we hand the blog back over to our readers to write about all matters of life, love and everything in between. If you would like to contribute a From The Heart piece, we would dearly love to hear from you. It doesn’t matter what it’s about and it doesn’t have to be related to weddings at all – we’re looking for honest, authentic, personal, sad, happy, family, relationship, marriage, health, light-hearted, serious, baby, trying for baby, children, career, simple, complicated – real life issues. We just need you to write from your heart. Keep it upbeat and witty, or share your thoughts anonymously on a more challenging or emotional subject. Please drop me a line at [email protected]. Love Annabel x
This really struck a chord with me, so true I think, for many people who have such full and busy lives. We all need to take a bit of this advice in the run up to a wedding, I most definitely will. Xx
Thanks Stephanie. Perhaps we should all add a recurring reminder in our diaries to stop and love all our important ones so that it ranks highly on our never ending to do lists?! xx
This is brilliant! Closeness is the thing I’m always striving for in my marriage yet I often struggle to find it. We share evenings and weekends, activities and children but often find closeness elusive. Sometimes I feel that I’m asking for too much – we’re not in the honeymoon period – am I asking for too much in a real life, day to day marriage? (I do think too much and sometimes feel that I hope and expect too much and only add to my pain!) We have a very loving relationship, but life just sometimes gets in the way! xx
I think that it’s important that you value your relationship so highly that you want it to stay special all the time. It’s often easier said than done unfortunately. It’s tricky finding that balance between not putting too much pressure on both of you with unrealistic expectations of how married life should be and not caring enough and letting things drift along. Let me know if you manage to find a way! Best wishes xx
I’m always grateful to hear the uncensored reality, thank you for your honesty Clare. I was just thinking how it is so important during the planning stage to refocus and bring oneself back to the core of WHY we marry our soul mate. After reading this I immediately gave my husband- to- be a very big squeeze!
Hope you have a joyful wedding day.
Lucia x
Thanks for your lovely words Lucia. Mad isn’t it that sometimes we can lose sight of the whole reason for the wedding and, afterwards the most important things in life itself. I think it’s inevitable, so it’s nice to have little reminders that make us stop and smell the roses!
Keep hugging xxx