From The Heart: Uprooted

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I am due to marry my beloved this September – it will be a year and a half after we became engaged. While his family have problems and heartaches to deal with like any normal family would, it is a loving one – a functioning one, unlike my own.

We have decided to get married in my country of birth (outside the UK), because we wanted to say our vows to one another in a place that holds great meaning to us. Or at least one of us. There is a place I would spend many weekends and summer breaks creating fond childhood memories that we have decided would be the idyllic setting for our all important day, especially as we now have more recent memories of our own visiting there – including my fiance trying to tackle the local language.

But there is another reason too that we have chosen this particular place to be married – it is so that my much loved granny could be part of our celebrations as well. Being over 80 years old and with fragile health, she is unable to take on big journeys so travelling overseas would be out of the question. Besides, my dad and his mother, my other grandmother, died a couple of years back.

Home is where the heart is. Not where the family is, where the house and assets are, but where the people we love with all our hearts are

My father was a serious alcoholic and wasted all his talent as a pentathlon athlete and physicist. He was an alcoholic for all of my life despite this talent. My mother divorced him when I was two and the relationship I developed with my father after this was bittersweet, due to him mostly being under the influence of alcohol whenever I was with him.

My father loved me dearly and never hurt me, but his alcoholism pained me deeply, so much so that as I got older, we cut contact  –  only resuming our communications briefly shortly before his death at the age of 56. I was heartbroken. He still meant a lot to me and I had intended to make up for the years lost. A year later my grandmother died – I believe from the sorrow of losing her only son.

Sadly, my mother is also an alcoholic, and has been since I was a small child. I’ve been through such highs and lows with her.  Just like my dad, she was an individual of such intelligence, a clever woman who unthinkably chose to follow a path of complete destruction. She was the reason why I left my country of birth and tried to start a new life far away.

I ended up in Scotland where I had some friends from my teenage years and who always treated me like I was a part of their own family. I owe those friends so much – their friendship and loyalty goes beyond words. I will never be able to thank them adequately for all the love and support they gave me throughout the years, even long after I left Scotland to move to England, settling here, making my home here and eventually finding my husband to be here.

It is almost twelve years since I left my place of birth on one terrible day. My mother, under the influence of alcohol, had threatened to report me to the police because I had removed her bank cards and money in an effort to prevent her from buying any more alcohol. I had fully intended on returning these items to her once she was sober, but there was no reasoning with her.

Since my leaving, she has drunk herself to complete ruin.  Both physically and mentally, she is a wreck. At just 58 years old, she can no longer walk and has the physical and facial appearance of someone twice her age. Despite my many efforts and attempts throughout the years to help her out of her destructive situation, about half year ago she decided that we no longer have anything to discuss, and cut connections completely.

Then, a final blow; my granny, mum’s mum, was admitted to hospital last December. She had been troubled deeply by my dad’s issues for all of her life and she was alone and struggling to cope. She passed away early February after losing the battle both mentally and emotionally. She just gave up. It hurt so much that I didn’t have a chance to see and hug her one last time before she died, but especially as I had been planning to visit her in the same month she left us. It was a big lesson in never delaying the call or visit to someone that you love.

On the day that I wrote this ‘from the heart’ piece to share on Love My Dress, the UK people voted to leave the European Union. This news has blown me and shaken my foundations. Even though my fiance and I have lived in the UK for a combined 30 years between us, we are both non-British citizens who were both born outside of the UK in EU countries. Suddenly our future feels completely uncertain.

Back at home, we are facing a wedding that will blow our budget through the roof due to the exchange rate (only us to blame I guess) and with hardly any family of mine to celebrate with. I do not know what the future holds for us, and how long we can call our home here in England exactly that. Facing my wedding with the most uprooted feeling I ever had is a scary prospect.

For once, the saying ‘home is where the heart is’ became true. Not where the family is, where the house and assets are, but where the people we love with all our hearts are. Friends who have been there for a long-long time, who withstand whatever life throws at us and our friendship, and who will be there with us on the day against all odds travelling far to celebrate. Friends who for that one special day will put aside all the worries in the world.

The love and support of our friends here in the UK is the only thing that keeps me going and makes me feel that our wedding day will be a happy one, celebrating love and commitment by free choice, and most of all, the union with the man I love so much. A man who was, is and always will be there by my side.

Together, we will take on the world. That is the idea at least, or so I heard.

 

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The writer of this piece would prefer to remain anonymous.  ‘From The Heart’  is an occasional Sunday spot where we hand Love My Dress back over to our readers to write about all matters of love and life. 

If you would like to contribute a From The Heart piece, we would dearly love to hear from you. It doesn’t matter what it’s about and it doesn’t have to be related to weddings at all – we’re looking for honest, authentic, personal, sad, happy, family, relationship, marriage, health, light-hearted, serious, baby, trying for baby, children, career, simple, complicated – real life issues.  We just need you to write from your heart. Keep it upbeat and witty, or share your thoughts anonymously on a more challenging or emotional subject. Please drop me a line at [email protected]. Love Annabel x

Images taken by the author unless otherwise stated.

7 thoughts on “From The Heart: Uprooted

  1. Thank you for sharing your story – I hope you have a lovely day in September, and that your future becomes clearer in the coming weeks and months. There’s still the 48% who voted to remain xx

  2. Alcohol can be so damaging both physically and mentally for the person and those around them-my thoughts are with you both as you figure out your wedding and future. As someone who voted to remain I was shocked at the outcome and what it will mean for everyone, it seems so narrow minded. Hope you have a lovely day celebrating when September comes. Thank you for writing in such a difficult situation.

    1. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a supportive comment too Isobel – I hope your words comfort our reader who wrote this piece.
      Love Annabel xx

  3. Wishing you and your fiancé the most wonderful and happy wedding day, as well as the rest of your lives together. Xx

  4. What a moving piece of writing. My own Mother is an alcoholic and near the end of her life as a result. I didn’t have the courage to walk away like you did – that is super brave and though we haven’t met, I am proud of you. It is a taboo subject and one we don’t talk about, so thank you for speaking out. I wish you every happiness on your wedding day and as a Remain voter, I share your pain and feel sad that we are to be broken away from Europe, kicking and screaming!! I hope that everything works out for you, you certainly deserve happiness after what you have been through so far xx

    1. Thank you for your heartfelt comment Claire. Alcoholism is such a taboo subject and one that so many mainstream media platforms don’t, I believe, address properly – or sensitively and honestly.
      Thank you so much for taking time to leave such a kind message of support.
      Love Annabel xx

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