From The Heart – Trying for a baby and planning a wedding

I wanted to open this feature with a little (make that huge) thank you to all the woman who have stepped forwards with contributions for our new and occasional Sunday ‘From The Heart’ feature. I always wanted there to be a place on this beloved wedding blog for women to be able to speak openly and honestly about matters of life, and that so many of you feel trusting enough for Love My Dress to be the place to do that is incredibly humbling. I urge you to look through our archive of posts as there are some incredible features there that are sure to resonate with and inspire you.

Last week’s From the Heart feature was a wonderfully light-hearted look at all the things that can/might/possibly will go wrong on your wedding day – written from the perspective of a newlywed bride who came to realise how none of it mattered at all. Today’s feature is more serious in nature and addresses an issue I know many of our readers struggle with in the face of all the joy that is associated with planning a wedding – I hope if you are one of these people, that you will accept the biggest virtual hug through this post today. Stay positive and strong lovely ladies. Love Annabel x

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I wanted to share our story in case it could help any readers trying for a baby, or their friends or family who are struggling with infertility. 

My boyfriend and I started talking about having children together at the start of our relationship – imagining day to day life and our adventures as a family. These conversations came easily and quickly, so after we’d turned 30 and found our home, we decided it was the perfect time to have a baby. We weren’t engaged or talking about weddings at this stage (though I knew he was my ‘one’), but we did both feel that we were as ready as we’d ever be. I’d come off the pill,  started taking folic acid and was generally trying to be healthier. We decided to keep it our secret, because ‘trying for a baby’ felt a bit too much to share with loved ones.

I remember how excited and nervous we felt that we could be making our baby. It was such a wonderful feeling – we started to think ahead to weddings and events I’d be pregnant at, or might miss because of my bump. I began imagining life as a family. Sadly though, my period came, so I mentally pushed my timings back a month. We kept trying, we downloaded a fertility app and I continued to feel positive. That was until six months had passed. I then started to mention to very close friends that we were trying. I was told of friends, friends who like us had been trying for a number of months, but that now had a family. In light of this, I was advised by well meaning friends to relax and stay positive.  I know my friends were trying to be helpful but at times, I just needed a shoulder to cry on.

Each month, the crushing arrival of my period felt like I’d failed and having to tell my other half became harder and harder. After a year, we decided to investigate and I booked myself into a private fertility clinic (I assumed rightly or wrongly that the NHS required you to have been trying for a baby for 2 whole years before they would investigate).

I recall seeing the face of the Sonographer  during one of our early investigative scans, getting more and more serious looking as the scan continued. Two weeks later I was diagnosed with endometriosis and fibroids in my womb and the consultant recommended an operation.  I’d never even heard of endometriosis. I was very upset but tried to keep hopeful, and we carried on trying as before.

A few months later, my boyfriend proposed with a stunning engagement ring. I’m sad to admit however that my excitement was tempered with thoughts of fertility and pregnancy. How could I plan to be married when I didn’t know if I’d be heavily pregnant, breastfeeding or even giving birth on the date we set for our wedding?

As most bride to be reading this will know, as soon a you have a ring on your finger everyone asks about wedding dates, venues and dresses etc. It quickly becomes an overwhelming topic of conversation, and as a result, I became somewhat monosyllabic in my replies (unlike me). I felt like time was ticking on both fronts and so we decided to start IVF treatment in secret.

Sadly our first IVF cycle was unsuccessful. Our ’embies’ simply didn’t stick. It was one of the worst few weeks of my life as no one knew what we were going through. I couldn’t stop crying and turned into a zombie at work finding smiling or small talk near impossible.

After two months of crying and sadness at our lost babies, we started letting loved ones in on our secret and shared our heartache. I knew we needed a distraction from babies and that planning our wedding day might provide us with a new positive focus and something we could manage and make a success.

We’re now in full wedmin mode and enjoying all the planning, sourcing and organisation. It’s highlighted just how well we work as a team and my husband to be has been incredible. We are still working on the baby and providing we can afford it, we will try another IVF cycle again sometime soon.

I am jealous of honeymoon babies and people who fall pregnant instantly. It’s really hard seeing ‘baby on board’ badges, images of 12 week scans on Facebook, hearing complaints of not being able to drink or eat certain things whilst expecting or attending baby showers and buying ‘congratulations on your new baby!’ cards. I still love meeting my friend’s newborns and hanging out with their lovely children, it’s the surrounding part that hurts.

I just wanted to share some of what we’ve been going through whilst planning our wedding. Everything might not be as it appears to the onlooker as we plan our nutpials and I think it’s important to highlight this. I’ve now started preparing for the expected post-wedding questions about us starting our own family; ‘So, are you planning for children now?’, ‘When can we expect a christening invite?’. Our experience has meant I now never assume, joke or ask about family/baby plans unless I have the time to listen or support the close friend I’m asking in private. My close friends have been wonderful, have cheered me up, sent me cards and messages and made me come out when I’ve not always felt like it and this support has been a vital part of getting me through this difficult time. These friends are now getting pregnant, trying or having babies of their own, and I’m keeping strong and ensuring that I’m there for them as they have been for me.

If anyone feels like they are alone I want to reassure them that they aren’t – please seek help from your GP or local/online support groups  – and please don’t be afraid to open up to trusted friends and family members.

Wishing everyone planning their own weddings and families right now much love and luck.

 

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The writer of this piece would prefer to remain anonymous.  ‘From The Heart’  is an occasional Sunday spot where we hand Love My Dress back over to our readers to write about all matters of love and life. 

If you would like to contribute a From The Heart piece, we would dearly love to hear from you. It doesn’t matter what it’s about and it doesn’t have to be related to weddings at all – we’re looking for honest, authentic, personal, sad, happy, family, relationship, marriage, health, light-hearted, serious, baby, trying for baby, children, career, simple, complicated – real life issues.  We just need you to write from your heart. Keep it upbeat and witty, or share your thoughts anonymously on a more challenging or emotional subject. Please drop me a line at [email protected]. Love Annabel x