Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’99Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be itA long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientistsWhereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliableThan my own meandering experience, I will dispense this advice now
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh, never mindYou will not understand the power and beauty of your youthUntil they’ve faded, but trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look backAt photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp nowHow much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really lookedYou are not as fat as you imagine
Don’t worry about the futureOr worry, but know that worryingIs as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing Bubble gumThe real troubles in your lifeAre apt to be things that never crossed your worried mindThe kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. on some idle TuesdayDo one thing every day that scares you
Saying, don’t be reckless with other people’s heartsDon’t put up with people who are reckless with yours
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousySometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behindThe race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourselfRemember compliments you receive, forget the insultsIf you succeed in doing this, tell me howKeep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your lifeThe most interesting people I knowDidn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their livesSome of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’tGet plenty of calciumBe kind to your kneesYou’ll miss them when they’re gone
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’tMaybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’tMaybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the ‘Funky Chicken’On your 75th wedding anniversaryWhatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too muchOr berate yourself eitherYour choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s
Enjoy your body, use it every way you canDon’t be afraid of it or what other people think of itIt’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever ownDance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living roomRead the directions even if you don’t follow themDo not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for goodBe nice to your siblings, they’re your best link to your pastAnd the people most likely to stick with you in the future
Understand that friends come and goBut a precious few, who should hold on
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyleFor as the older you getThe more you need the people you knew when you were youngLive in New York City once but leave before it makes you hardLive in northern California once but leave before it makes you soft
Travel
Accept certain inalienable truthsPrices will rise, politicians will philander, you too, will get oldAnd when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were youngPrices were reasonable, politicians were nobleAnd children respected their elders
Respect your elders
Don’t expect anyone else to support youMaybe you have a trust fund, maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouseBut you never know when either one might run out
Don’t mess too much with your hairOr by the time you’re 40 it will look 85
Be careful whose advice you buy but be patient with those who supply itAdvice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the pastFrom the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly partsAnd recycling it for more than it’s worth
But trust me on the sunscreen
