Domestic Violence, Physical and Emotional Abuse ~ Please Don’t Suffer In Silence

In the wake of the media storm over Chris Brown’s new tattoo and how it has once again brought his violent relationship with Rihanna under the microscope,  I am featuring a post this morning that addresses the taboo subject of domestic violence, physical and emotional abuse.

A wedding blog is possibly the last place you may consider appropriate to raise such an issue – being a resource that is usually spilling forth with love stories, pretty DIY feaures and inspiration boards. But on the contrary, I believe as the owner of a popular resource visited by thousands of women every day, it is in fact the ideal platform from which to share information and resources that could ultimately bring an end to the abuse – for that one person too afraid to share their suffering with friends and family, glossing over everything and pretending it is perfect, when it is anything but.

Domestic violence is a horrific crime.  Whether you are, or have experienced it directly, or if you can relate to the feature below in any way, we would value your feedback on this feature very much – please leave a comment and spread the word of this feature far and wide by linking to it on Facebook and Twitter.  Given the nature of this post, please feel free to leave a comment anonymously or under a pseudonym if you prefer – thank you.

The author of this guest post shall remain anonymous.

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With eight months to go until W day I’m pretty much your typical bride to be. Currently my major stress point is THE DRESS, but a couple of weeks ago it was the guestlist, and I can see catering woes looming in the not too distant future. However added to all the usual bridal worries is another, and I’m sad to say that it’s souring my experience a little.

When I was in my late teens I was in an abusive relationship. We were together for three years and were even engaged (although thankfully a wedding was never planned). This isn’t the type of thing you expect to hear about on a wedding blog, but sadly and shockingly 1 in 4 women will share my experience so I think it’s a story worth telling…

Makeup Expert Lauren Luke supports the Refuge Charity

In many ways I was lucky, my experience was no where near as bad as a lot of victims, I got out of the relationship relatively unscathed and after counselling to address some of the issues I was able to get on with my life and deal with the anxiety issues I now lived with. I haven’t completely shaken off the anxiety but I’m mostly able to deal with it. I know that it is triggered by situations where I feel I lack control – a perfectly logical reaction to having lived in such a controlling dynamic for so long – so I make precautions for situations which I know might trigger it (the usual things like flying).

For a long time I struggled to revisit places which held memories which
linked to my ex but recently I’ve managed to overcome this. I also find
that certain things can trigger a memory that catches me off guard – a
song, a smell, the way someone walks towards me can all take me back to a
situation that I’d rather forget, but again I’ve learned to re-root my
consciousness back to the present and shake off the flashbacks. But the
thing that’s caused me to run from my memories recently is much closer
to home.

Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers

My best friend has a new partner who reminds me so much of my ex that it sends shivers down my spine. I’ve tried to ignore this, tried to convince myself that I’m making something out of nothing, tried to trivialise it, but nothing is helping. When she texted me to tell me they were engaged instead of the joy I’d love to feel for my friend I felt sheer blind panic. Thankfully I’m not the only one with concerns about him, which reassures me that I’m not going crazy, but it’s hard when someone you care about is in their little love bubble to break through without destroying your friendship, and it’s really sad that I can’t share the excitement of wedding planning with her.

Currently my strategy is trying to pretend it’s not a problem – not the best plan in the world but the only one I’m currently emotionally able to execute. It’s not easy though when she’s constantly texting me telling me about all the things he’s doing that make him so wonderful. All of these ‘amazing’ acts being exactly the same things my ex did for me. Like the times he used to send me flowers to be delivered to me at breakfast at college, even though he knew it embarrassed me, like a dog marking it’s territory. Or the times he’d change plans at the last minute because he wanted to see me so much, meaning I’d have to cancel a much looked forward to night with friends. Or the way he was so generous that I never had to pay for anything, meaning it was up to him what we did and when – even what I ate, and more worryingly, drank. Or how he regularly bought me clothes, controlling how I looked. And how he told me his life would not be worth living without me – talk about a weight on your shoulders!

Everyone was always telling me how lucky I was, how much he obviously loved me and treated me so well, and I believed them. I shut down the part of my brain that felt uncomfortable about it and tried to become the person he wanted me to be. He deserved that, didn’t he, after everything he was doing for me. If making a relationship work meant sacrificing my friendships, my studies, my identity, then that was what I was going to do. I was brainwashed, not just by him and his ‘kind’ acts, but by a society that judges you on your relationship status, by womens magazines that scream out at you about ‘how to keep your man happy’. Because we never argued I thought I was succeeding. I didn’t realise that I just didn’t know how to speak up.

I count myself so incredibly luckily that slowly and eventually his behaviour crossed a line that I could no longer ignore, and that thanks to some amazing friends I still had enough of my sense of self left that I was able to say enough is enough and walk away.
 

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft

Obviously I have no actual evidence that my friend’s fiancé will also cross that line, but there are enough red flags and warning signs there to make me wary. But I know that she has myself and others watching out for her. So that’s why I’m reaching out to you ladies, to share my experiences and let you know the warning signs in the hope that if you know anyone who might be at risk you can watch out for them too.

If I hadn’t had the support I did back then I dread to think where I’d be now, or even if I’d still be here. I’m truly blessed to be where I am today, with wonderful friends and family, a good career, nice home and a supportive, respectful, kind man by my side, looking forward excitedly to our wedding.

If you want to know more there are some wonderful online resources out there, some of them which really helped me to understand what exactly had been going on in my relationship, or you can talk to Refuge or Womens Aid, both of whom are wonderful charities.

Sources of Support and how to get help
*  Womens Aid
*  Refuge
*  Relate 

Articles:
*  Red Flags of Love Fraud – Ten Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath
*  Anger in the Age of Entitlement
*  Early Warning Signs of Domestic Violence
*  Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser
*  Domestic Abuse – protecting yourself and getting help
*  Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Books:
*  Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft
*  Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers, by Sandra Horley