Welcome to Tuesday my loves. Incase you have'nt noticed yet, our 'About' page has been updated with a new face and team member, and I would be so happy if you would therefore join me in welcoming Jess Billington. Some of you may recognse Jess from her previous feautures – from here on, Jess will be contributing regularly and I'm so thrilled to welcome her as part of our team. Today, Jess addresses a subject on the minds of many, many soon to be and recent newlyweds; fertility. And what to do when life throws a huge big baby-making curve ball at you…
This question is always on a woman's mind as she approaches her wedding day, even more so when she is approaching (gulp!) thirty and worse still when the doctor tells you your chances are limited. So, the question is, at what point do we start trying for a baby?
It's a pretty common question – I have friends who have planned to conceive the day after the wedding, those that scheduled conception around work holidays so as not to interfere with careers and many who just came off the contraceptive pill and went for it 'gung-ho' to get a honeymoon baby. I've never been much of a planner in life and I have never really felt maternal either and wasn't sure if I would ever be bothered by the question of 'when?'.
The turning point came when the question 'when?' became 'if'…
Finding out I had endometriosis and discussing hysterectomies at the age of 25 with the surgeon, the words that still ring in my ear are him saying "if you DO conceive it could take up to two years and you should start before you're 30 as your chances reduce". Now, here I am, four months until my wedding, 7 months until I'm 30 and still I don't feel "ready". Will I ever feel ready? We dreamed of a honeymoon to Italy in the Summer but pregnancy planning will disrupt that. So, shallow as it sounds we find ourselves asking "baby?….or honeymoon?"
My friends are in two camps: those that think I should wait and enjoy the honeymoon of our dreams then try when we are ready and those who think I shouldn't risk not trying for, what is effectively, just a holiday and who think I should be trying now! After all, worst case scenario: I get pregnant before I'm ready, I'll learn, right? If I leave it, I may never get pregnant at all! The views are completely different and I can't stand not knowing the future: will I be able to conceive if I leave it until after next Summer? My logic is saying "does 6 months and therefore tipping into the boundary of the next age bracket REALLY affect things?!" Yet I am totally getting the FEAR.
If I ever need a reality check I ring my mum who doesn't even believe endometriosis is a proper illness – she thinks it's a fancy word for 'bad period' and keeps telling me to leave it and 'it'll happen' but as soon as I start to relax about it all I start freaking out again and remembering the doctors words.
To make it worse, everyone around me is saying "ooooh the wedding is nearly here – babies soon!" and I'm acutely aware of my perceived role: from business woman to mother – what if I can't BECOME a mother?! Will I just be half a woman?
Even though it sounds crazy, it sure feels that way. Endometriosis is a condition that affects nearly two million women in the UK alone and on average it takes seven years to be diagnosed. On top of that there are other conditions such as Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, thyroid problems, Submucosal Fibroids and Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, to mention a few – it feels like pregnancy roulette, who gets lucky and who gets blanks?!
After reading a really good article on Adoption in the August edition of Red magazine I sit down to discuss our "options" with my Fiancé Jake who is open to adoption but I get the feeling from the way he is talking to me that he also thinks my fertility challenges are completely surmountable and it leaves me worried: is he actually prepared for the fact that I might not be able to have children?
Source: Infertility Sucks!
, available via Amazon
You read about it all the time in the magazines, women who cannot have children, it’s just you never expect that to be you. So, I’m sat here writing this with a matter of months until the wedding and I’m thinking “should we be trying for a baby now?” I have visions of telling the guests at our wedding that I’m expecting, Lily Allen style which feels lovely in my fantasy, but one glance at my pregnant sister-in-law running to the bathroom to be sick shows me the reality of being pregnant on my wedding day might not be as romantic as it is in my daydream. Then I think about trying after the wedding like most other couples I know – but if we DO conceive faster than we think we can (you hear about these stories also) we won’t be able to go on our honeymoon and as we haven’t had a holiday in 4 years and probably won’t have one for a long time once we have children, are we missing out by forsaking our honeymoon? Also, I think it may be nice to actually enjoy being married for a little while before we start our family.
In an ideal world, we would do up our house after the wedding, go to Italy and then start trying at the end of the Summer but if we can’t get pregnant then by the end of the Summer I may be stressed out and anxious that I’ve left it too long and it all becomes one vicious circle! It’s very cathartic writing this article as I’m getting it all down on paper but scanning the paragraphs all I can hear is the voice of a mad woman who has no idea what the answer is. Also, what is the big issue with wanting a biological child of my own? There are enough children out there in need of a good home that surely it would be a kinder and wiser thing to do to adopt anyhow? But I keep thinking I want a little Jess running around with a mischievous spark and big brown eyes. I want to be a mum and do something meaningful with my life – I want to have a go at reading her Charlotte’s Web and taking her to her first horse riding lesson. It’s crazy to think it has to be from my body for these things to happen. I know many cases where a woman has given birth to a baby and not loved it as she should – so I can guarantee whether it’s from my womb or not, that little girl will be loved more than can be imagined.
But am I ready now? No not really – the business isn’t where I want it to be, our house is a mess, we haven’t cleared all of our debt yet…will I ever get through this “To Do Before Pregnancy” list?! And like my mother says – what is the difference between 30, 32, 35? It is only a number. I have to admit I felt happy to see a recent interview with 37 year old Actress Eva Longoria who said yes, she would quite like a family but she hadn’t found the right man and if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen, she doesn’t believe in listening to all this ‘clock’ stuff.
Source: More Women to Reset Biological Clock
J-Lo was also in the news recently talking about wanting another child in her early forties (although in saying that she does have two already). In fact, celebrity stories such as Emma Bunton, Louise Redknapp, Anthea Turner, Anna Friel and Susan Sarandon really help awareness and give hope that problems such as endometriosis can be surmounted. I am comforted slightly by the knowledge that the most glamorous woman ever to have lived, Marilyn Monroe also suffered.
I still wish the illness received more coverage though as so many people say “ah you’ll be fine, I had a period like that once!” And what I want to say is “Really? Did it stop you making love for weeks on end? Did you have to go to the toilet in stages because of the agonising pain? Did you ever actually lie down in the street and call a taxi because the pain was so bad you couldn’t walk?” Look it up, it is an actual illness you know!
So, rant over… to try or not to try? That is the question. Jake and I decided (for now) that we won’t try until after next Summer to give ourselves a bit of time to adjust to married life and time for a real honeymoon. Having a baby at 30 or having a baby at 35 – there isn’t really much in it and we WILL have a gorgeous child join our family: whether it’s from my womb or another’s, we’ll have a baby of our own someday and I might have endometriosis but it doesn’t have me! I’ll be tracking my journey on Love My Dress of trying to get pregnant and hopefully succeeding late next year: wish me luck!
I'd love to hear from readers – no matter where you sit on the whole 'when is the right time to try for a baby' issue. Are you planning to try after your wedding? Are you already parents? If so what advice would you give? Does anyone else suffer from Endometriosis like me? Please feel free to leave comments anonymously if you feel more comfortable doing so.
Jess
