In a change to the usual format of things, I'm just going to be featuring a single post today. Love My Dress reader Jess Billington is a freelance writer based in the South West UK. She blogs about all things romantic at Treatalady.com and is engaged to the fabulous Mr C. Jess sent me this guest post in recently and it struck such a chord with me. It didn't seem right to over-shadow the time she had spent writing this with photographs of someone's wedding – and we all like to mix things up a little every once in a while don't we?
I'd like to encourage you to read and respond to Jess below, she addresses an issue that plays on the minds of us all I'm sure at one time or another {'do I look good enough?'}, and it would be good to see our community respond…
Standing in Sainsbury's doing my weekly shop I hear a teenage girl tell her mother "I can't have that for dinner; it's over my calorie allowance". Her mother says "ok", and they put the product back. I think this was when I realised just how much body image is affecting us, and the influence it has over the young girls paying attention.
Of course, this girl doesn't have the pressure that we have: to look her best on the most important day of her life. Not yet anyway.
Let's face it: being a bride is all about looking good isn't it? Images of celebrities combined with terms such as "most important day of your life" and "most beautiful bride ever seen" all add to the pressure. I don't think it's a coincidence that all the bride-to-be's I know are suddenly taking extreme measures to look a certain way, such as drastic diet changes, hiring a personal trainer, and even ordering a special serum which makes hair and nails grow faster in order to prepare for the big day. Even the celebs are joining in with recently wed Abbey Clancy shrinking in front of our eyes and Rochelle from the Saturdays losing a few dress sizes and tweeting about working hard to get her #bridebod.
And it's harmless right? We just want to look our best on our big day.
A term I keep hearing is 'look the best version of you'. Well, unless you are two shades browner with teeth three shades whiter, normally have plastic attached to your fingernails, false lashes, synthetic hair and a push-up bra – then it's not really you is it?
Now I don't want to come across as judging. Don't think I'm unaffected by it all. I want to look beautiful like everyone else. If there is a magazine with Cheryl's diet tips in there you can bet your bottom dollar that it's coming to the till with me. Did I recently buy a shampoo because Cheryl was swinging around in an advert with oh-so-shiny hair using the same shampoo? Maybe. Have I ever tried a no-carb diet? Perhaps. But where do we draw the line?
I've worked out where I draw my line. As I perused the stalls at a local wedding fair in Cornwall recently, I came across a company advertising plastic surgery for your big day. It was a complete candy shop of cosmetic procedures. I discovered I could lose weight on my thighs with the aid of liposuction, have slightly larger, fuller breasts to accentuate the sweetheart neckline on my dress, and have my teeth professionally whitened too. Hell, why not throw in some rhinoplasty!
I felt appalled. I felt angry. Angry at blushing brides, beautiful brides, perfect brides. There is no such thing. Surely we are just buying into some false idea of what we can achieve?
What this really does is make me feel being Jess isn't good enough; that I have to be taller, less curvy, but curvy in the right places, flawless, pore-less, anti-wrinkle, no spots, not too pale, have thicker hair, thinner thighs, longer nails and eyelashes.
I see this attitude everywhere. It scares me that one day we will be judged on looks alone. Being smart, funny and having zest will just be something to make up for the A cup breasts.
In the latest issue of Tatler, an article on the subject explains that breast augmentation is the most popular cosmetic procedure in the UK with over 10,000 women opting for breast implants last year. So if boob jobs are so popular why don't I know anybody who has had one?
Then it happened. Over coffee one day, a friend of mine told me she was getting some. I immediately felt concerned and wanted to rip up the latest Heat magazine in a bid to make her see that she was just trying to conform to an unachievable image.
Then she explained why she was doing it, and just before I could burn my bra and start a picket line I began to understand a different motivation for surgery.
Charlotte had decided to have her breasts enlarged after having two children. She explained her once C cup breasts, that she had lived with for the past 15+ years, had changed dramatically after pregnancy and extensive breastfeeding. After her second child she felt she was left with very “empty” boobs, similar to when someone loses a vast amount of weight but the skin remains. As I listened to Charlotte talk, I could really see how much it affected her perception of her body and her overall self-confidence. She was finding it difficult to get bras that fit and had to be careful with what she wore as she didn’t want anybody to see her body as it was now.
Rather than the crazy celebrity idolizing I had initially suspected (after all I have seen Charlotte reading Heat magazine!), I started to understand a different reason for surgery. Charlotte had always had breasts and therefore it felt like she had lost part of her identity, her femininity. Her breasts were the part of her body that had always made her feel sexy. Without them she was a shadow of that woman.
So, I vowed to stand beside Charlotte and support this very personal decision.
I followed her journey. The evening before she drove to Birmingham to have the operation I asked Charlotte if she was scared or nervous. She wasn’t, which is unlike her as she is normally such a worrier. More than anything, she was excited. Charlotte explained that, although she was aware of potential complications, she was so unhappy with her breasts that she felt it was worth it.
After the operation Charlotte felt sore and tired, but even at the most painful stage of recovery she was already so happy and pleased with the results, even early on.
What advice would Charlotte give to anybody else considering the operation?
'Think very hard about everything. You need to weigh up the risks of possible complications, recovery time and pain. I wouldn’t have gone ahead with it unless I was as unhappy as I was with my breasts and I felt my feelings wouldn’t change over time. If you decide to go ahead with it do your research and find a good surgeon. I did this and found a surgeon I trusted which made the whole process a lot less stressful.'
To be honest, I am surprised anyone is still having breast enlargements. The controversy in the early nineties surrounding the safety of silicone implants combined with the January PIP scandal all make me feel anxious about such procedures. I asked Charlotte how this impacted on her decision and she said if anything it made her feel companies would need to work harder to prove their safety in the wake of such damaging PR.
What about a male viewpoint? How do men really feel about implants? Charlotte’s husband was very supportive; although he was concerned about making sure it was what she really wanted. He attended the initial consultation and the actual operation, as well as caring for the children during the recovery period. “If I was a man I would not have found my breasts attractive and am sure my husband felt the same way, although I doubt he would have said it quite so bluntly!” Charlotte quipped.
So… did she make the breast decision? I guess she made the right choice for her. Charlotte's feelings about her breasts were really affecting her self-esteem, and I could see it was more than just a superficial image issue. Saying that, I would never actively encourage surgery, and certainly not in the wedding industry.
Television shows such as The Only Way Is Essex, Geordie Shore and The Hills have normalised breast implants. It seems to be all over magazines and television: it’s starting to feel normal to look at women with a size 6 body and ridiculously large breasts for her figure.
It seems celebrities are all doing it, from the obvious and dramatic such as Katie Price and Kerry Katona, to the “did she/didn’t she” Posh Spice debate (ahem, they are looking a little round to be denying it Victoria!). Even the highly coveted, oh-so-natural voluptuous figure of the Kardashian sisters is looking a little bit different in light of a breast enlargement and possible nose operation that’s just been leaked. It’s leaving me feeling a bit like nobody is real anymore.
The worst thing I’ve seen though is a distasteful American reality TV show recently televised called ‘Bridalplasty’ where normal women compete to win the body of their dreams for their wedding day. Just as Alan Sugar hands out little weekly “treats” to the winning team on The Apprentice, each week a bride-to-be wins a procedure of their choice: liposuction, rhinoplasty, collagen implants, breast enlargements or dental surgery.
I’ve never seen anything like it. I felt repulsed, but also very sad that these women don’t feel comfortable enough to walk down the aisle in their own skin.
Professional Psychotherapist Alex Wedlock explains it is so easy to think “if I was thinner I would be happier…” but would you, really? “Often surgery is a quick fix to a deeply rooted issue and this could be your minds way of telling you that you are unhappy with something else.” That isn’t to say she is against surgery – she explains further “if you have a healthy exploration of an issue and at the end you come out still wanting the procedure, at least you fully understand yourself now and the motivations behind it.”
After speaking to Alex I realise that quite often we paint pictures of “happy people”, and of course people like Cheryl Cole must be happy because they look so gorgeous. But I am rapidly understanding that this is not the case, and that looking good is one thing, whereas feeling good is another.
It is even worse as we delve into the psychological issues connected with an event such as a wedding. A wedding is a creation of a fantasy, and we don’t want to live anything less than the fantasy. Alex warns we can be in danger of losing sight of the important thing: our relationships with our family, our fiance and most importantly ourselves. “Once you start the process of redesigning yourself where do you stop? What is it that is unacceptable about yourself the way you are?”
How is it possible that our entire lives have been built around a specific image: that of a Barbie doll? She is just plastic with no soul or personality, and yet we have almost planned our lives around this manufactured ideal. Alex and I reminisce about the old Sindy dolls – we both used to have one: less “glamorous”, less blonde, smaller breasts and not such an exaggerated hourglass shape- perhaps that is why Sindy isn’t a global success – after all, who wants to be the doll with the B cup?
Sindy Image Source + Barbie Image Source
The one thing Alex says which makes so much sense, and yet feels so new at the same time, is “you can do anything you choose to your body, but it won't necessarily make you emotionally healthier, your wedding day any better or your marriage stronger”.
I feel the magazines should be talking about this sort of thing as a key issue instead of 19 pages of dresses. I often see really interesting articles in magazines debating the breast decision and it’s all very interesting until I turn the page and see the sponsored clinic adverts promoting the latest body enhancement surgery then it all just falls a bit flat really and it’s so uninspiring. And with the latest inventions such as semi-permanent make-up and the ability to change your eye colour, it has me wondering at what point do we lose sight of ourselves?
Dove's 'Real Beauty' Campaign – did it wash? Image Source
So, although I support Charlotte's reasons, her personal journey and the decision she made, and despite promising myself this article would be a balanced argument, I find myself strongly weighted against surgery.
I worry that in the wedding industry our personal magical day is being massacred by the marketing giants in order to pray on our insecurities and sell us the latest in all we need to feel and look attractive. It doesn’t matter what we do or how much we put on the credit card, they will keep moving the goalposts, because the media is a constant cat and mouse chase of an ideal.
This is why I choose to read (and today, write for) Love My Dress. I find it is one of the only places which celebrates personal choice instead of dictating to the masses.
Will the bridal industry ever go back to being about a romantic union between two people, or will we see more and more cosmetic procedures sneaking in, anti-wrinkle bridal creams, perfecting beauty treatments and major advertising campaigns to help us become the most perfect bride to ever grace the aisle? After all, God forbid a groom might actually recognise the woman he’s marrying!
Jess
Jess Billington is a freelance writer based in the South West. She blogs about all things romantic at Treatalady.com and is engaged to the fabulous Mr C. Jess is also contactable via Twitter and Facebook.
You might also want to read through our posts categorised under 'body image' and 'laid bare'.
