Back in July I decided I was going to make my own wedding dress for our wedding next September. Consequently, this weekend I took the same trip that my mum and my granny had previously taken together to a fabric boutique called Borovicks Fabrics in Soho to pick my dress fabric. Whilst trawling through the many different types of lace with the assistant, we talked about how it’s become something of a tradition making the wedding dress in our family. The assistant then turns to mum and says, “So mum, how long have you been married?”. Cue a slightly awkward pause and a jolt back to reality.
Perhaps it might be helpful for me to interject some history to help you understand exactly why. By the time our wedding comes around my parents will have been divorced for 11 years. Sometimes those years have been tough but I moved past the ‘Parent Trap’ phase quite a while ago and feel that both of my parents are now much happier. Though with that said, if there’s one occasion to really bring out difficult family dynamics it’s a wedding! I don’t want to dwell on the past in this post too much but think touching on it may help explain my choices and I hope through writing this is that it will help other brides-to-be who may be in similar situations.
I want to start off by saying that my mum is amazing. She has spent the last 10 years making sure that my siblings and I continued to have a good relationship with Dad regardless of how painful that has been for her. That my dad was leaving came completely out of the blue and was such a big adjustment to make. Just one Sunday over lunch he said he was leaving next Friday, and it seemed as simple as that.
After that we saw him several times a week after he finished work, and on Saturdays at our home as my mum had felt that she didn’t want us to miss out on after school events such as parties, because of going to Dad’s every other weekend. I can’t imagine how hard that initial period was for her, especially as they had never argued in front of us and the reason for the separation wasn’t clear until a month later. I found out this reason when my brother and sister had gone to stay with Dad for the weekend to watch the six nations, I had point blank refused to go and stayed with my mum. When they returned home Sunday evening after a good weekend and talked about dad’s friend Natalie, I looked over and saw my mum in tears.
My dad had been having an affair, and had left my mum for Natalie. The emotions that I felt at that time were pure hatred towards both Natalie and my dad. The emotions were so strong that when I look back now I feel ashamed when I think of some of things that I either privately thought, or said aloud to them. As time moved on, things slowly began to improve and I now get on well with Natalie. She has never tried to be a step mum and I valued that, but I still occasionally became upset again with little things like witnessing my mum finding post from hotels that Dad took Natalie to when he was ‘away working’. Things continued to improve more when my mum met Jeremy, it sounds horrible, but it helped my relationship with Natalie as I no longer felt that I had to protect my mum and could see that she was much happier.
Over the last few years we have occasionally had everyone together for big birthdays and whilst at first it was painful it has become easier, and now with the wedding approaching I’m pleased that we did this, however a wedding including all of my mum’s family and a still furious granny is a different tale.
From the outset my mum explained that she knew it would be difficult but she didn’t want it to impact on our day, in fact she even hosted a parents and partners’ dinner to celebrate our engagement. We had a lovely heart to heart whilst walking the dogs, where mum said the one thing she couldn’t bear would be Dad doing a speech because she didn’t want any illusions made about him always having been there for us when he wasn’t. My main worry is that this will be the first time that my mum’s family will meet Natalie and I’m concerned about their reactions.
My granny is still very angry with dad as she felt like she had to be angry for mum too. She said to me early on that Natalie shouldn’t be at the wedding, though I’m sure if she had her way dad wouldn’t be there either! This was such a hard conversation as we are very close but I had to explain that regardless of the past, Natalie has been a part of my life for the past 10 years and therefore I can’t just pretend she doesn’t exist, and that despite everything I feel that she should be there.
Weddings are so difficult when you’ve got divorced parents as although divorce isn’t uncommon, there are so many things that your parents are expected to do on your wedding day from the wording on the invitations, to the seating on the table plan. I’ve by no means solved all of these but I thought I would share my decisions so far.
- Invitation wording – I think now we have started to move away from the traditional ‘Mr & Mrs Smith’ invite, however seeing as they are both? largely contributing I feel that I have to include them. Therefore, at the moment I’m thinking of wording it as: ‘together with their families’. This seemed to fit for us as although the in-laws aren’t contributing financially, they are making the chutney favours!
- Walking down the aisle and giving away – initially I quite liked the idea of mum doing this or even perhaps both my parents, however I think sometimes we have to compromise. Mum was keen that Dad have his special moment too (did I mention she’s amazing!) so Dad is walking me down the aisle. Dad was really touched by this and I think it has definitely made us closer.
- Photos – every wedding I look at has the parents’ photo with the bride sandwiched in the middle and with great big smiles plastered over all their faces. Whilst I’m sure we probably will have a photo of the three of us, I’m also really keen to have photos with them and their partners too. They’re not together so I don’t want to have lots of photos pretending that they are. My photographer has been amazing about this and I completely trust her to get the feel of the day without anyone feeling left out.
- Speeches – I’m not sure I’ll get through this without there being tears, but I am so happy that mum is doing the speech… just so long as she doesn’t blow up that horrid Christmas photo of me and project it behind her as a backdrop!
- Table plan – so this is still not quite resolved! If Dad has his way everyone would be on the top table but it practically wouldn’t fit in the village hall! I don’t want Natalie to feel abandoned or stranded with the few of Dad’s relatives we’ve invited, but I also don’t want it to be a focus point on the top table. So potential solutions at the moment include having a bridal party table or even just the two of us on a sweetheart table. I’m really keen to hear what other people have done in this situation?
I’d like to finish off with some advice for anyone else who may be in this same predicament. This is not how I pictured my wedding, worrying about where people will sit and what relatives will say, but my parents both seem much happier. It was an awful time but there are some positives to have emerged from it like the relationship I have with my mum. It’s traditional for Dad to walk me down the aisle and to do the speech but I am so much closer to my mum and it wouldn’t feel right not to acknowledge that.
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Your wedding day is about you and your other half, regardless of any family tensions. It is your day and so ultimately I feel that regardless of who is financially contributing to your day, it remains your decision regarding which roles your family and those close to you hold on the day, and ultimately who is invited. Be open and honest with your family about the situation and your expectations – this way there will be no surprises, and hopefully with a bit of luck everyone will get along well for your special day.
I’d love to hear from anyone in similar situations. I can certainly relate that it can feel really overwhelming, and in truth, the table plan is already giving me nightmares but I know it will turn out perfect in the end!
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The author of this feature would prefer to remain anonymous but is one of our lovely blog readers who has asked to contribute to ‘From The Heart’ – a series where we hand the blog back over to our readers on a Sunday to write about all matters of love and life. If you would like to contribute a From The Heart piece of your own, we would dearly love to hear from you. It doesn’t matter what it’s about and it doesn’t have to be related to weddings at all – we’re looking for honest, authentic, personal, sad, happy, family, relationship, marriage, health, light-hearted, serious, baby, trying for baby, children, career, simple, complicated – real life issues. We just need you to write from your heart. Keep it upbeat and witty, or share your thoughts anonymously on a more challenging or emotional subject. Please drop me a line at [email protected]. I look forward to hear
