Morning folks, it's time for our regular contributor Emma Woodhouse, aka The Wedding Reporter to get a few things off her chest as part of her 'Notes On A Wedding'
series. As usual, no mincing of words is involved, and we invite you to participate in the discussion at the end by leaving a comment…
For most of us, our knowledge of weddings prior to getting engaged consists mainly of insufferable family nuptials and the occasional friend’s big day. There’s a good chance that your abiding memory of every other wedding you’ve been to is of tedious boredom and mild hunger.
Bored bride? Via Glamour.com
It’s easy to forget, when you are inside the wedding industry, that the starting point for many brides is a world of tired traditions and a dirge of information from an out-of-touch older generation. This can lead to two things:
1) A cookie-cutter wedding that adheres to ‘the way it’s always been done’ which can end up being devoid of any actual personal preferences.
2) Astonishment amongst wedding suppliers that ideas we’ve seen for years (Bunting! Stripy straws! Signed picture mounts!) are hailed as revolutionary by brides who have only just discovered the brave new world.
Now let me clarify: this is not a judgement on one person’s choice of wedding decisions over another’s. The reason I bring it up is because a friend of mine got engaged this year and, being a bit of a bohemian, I was really looking forward to hearing about what she had up her sleeve. This, I thought, will be a very cool affair.
You can imagine my surprise, therefore, when she sent me links to venues that – whilst incredibly smart – were way more stuffy and completely devoid of character than I had expected. I couldn’t imagine why on earth she would shortlist such bland venues when there were so many other options out there that would be more reflective of her and her partner. Maybe she’s just more traditional than I thought, I wondered.
Gradually as we chatted about her other plans I was struck time and time again that her choices didn’t really feel like anything she would willingly choose. Obviously, being a big-mouthed nosy parker I had to stick my oar in and ask what the motivation was behind her decisions.
She was non-plussed. These were the things you chose to plan a wedding, weren’t they?
Like a big, blinding lightbulb turning on right in front of my face, I realised that was exactly the problem: she was planning A Wedding, not planning Her Wedding. She was drawing on what she had experience of and what she thought was expected of the occasion. I get it now.
As you sit here reading this on one of the top wedding blogs in the world, I am sure I am preaching to the converted. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t looking for something beyond lycra chair covers and gypsy sized wedding dresses.
But I also know that for many of you, you’re going to have to battle the dissenting voices who don’t understand why you won’t be having a receiving line or formal family photos; I know that some of you are going to get three months out from your wedding date and suddenly question every decision you’ve made, worry that you’re going to offend Aunty Mabel by not having a traditional sitdown wedding breakfast and wonder if you should just do things ‘normally’.
So I’m here to say that you should forget all of that. Forget everything you’ve ever seen at everyone else’s weddings. Forget whatever you’ve been told you need to do. Forget the doubters and the haters and go back to the basics
The only things that HAVE to happen in order for it to be A Wedding is that you and your partner must meet in a place that has been legally sanctioned to conduct marriage ceremonies, with an authorised official, in order to say some specific words.
And that’s it.
So use that as a starting point and work outwards and upwards from there. Pick whichever duly sanctioned premises you like; say whichever version of those words feel the closest to your heart and then go and celebrate in a way that makes your brain want to melt with happiness.
Thanks to the nature of my business, I find myself primarily at very original weddings that are jampacked with gorgeous details and personal meaning. They’re weddings that have completely disregarded the ‘Countdown to Wedding’ checklists peddled by wedding magazines. They’re weddings that had one and only starting point: what the couple wanted.
If you want to stand in a bath and be photographed on your wedding day – do it!
Image via Ruffled.com
Undoubtedly, I always end up chatting to someone or to various people, all of whom wax lyrical about the originality of the day. They’ve never seen anything so thoughtful. Isn’t it nice, they say to me, that this particular couple have done something different and yet it still feels, you know, ‘weddingy’.
I smile and nod of course. I am not so very spoilt as to tell them that the face of weddings is an ever-changing landscape. I dare not tell them that there are legions of brides-to-be out there who, like you right now, are mining wedding blogs and Pinterest and Etsy for quirky and cool ideas that are far more reflective of their personalities and symbolic of the marriage that they hope to make.
Weddings are about people, and that’s all there is to it, really.
Emma
Annabel View all Annabel's articles
Founder of Love My Dress. Passionate Podcaster and Editor. Annabel lives in rural North Yorkshire with her husband and business partner Philip, their two daughters and menagerie of furry hounds. She loves photography, meditation, walking, being outdoors and star gazing. She is fierce when it comes to championing talent within the wedding industry and when she's not working on Love My Dress, she supports her husband Philip in the running of the family's sustainable flower farm and floral design business, Moonwind Flowers. In 2013, she became a published author.
No mincing of words indeed! But very well said…and very true!
Emma, I see where you are coming from with the content of your post but I can’t help but feel bristled by it after having read it. Not everyone is as creative as one may like or expect them to be, if I was a bride reading what you have written either planning or just having had my wedding, giving me the inpression of smiling along with a guest over the ‘theme’ of the day, all the while metaphorically gritting my teeth, I’d be really offended. Of COURSE you must have the day that YOU want, of course you shouldn’t bow to peer pressure or Pinterest fever, but this blog is written, is it not, on a wedding blog that does make useful suggestions and does publish weddings that we may have all seen before? How very thoughtful of you to NOT tell the guest who feels this wedding is so original and twee, that actually it’s all be done before. To them and to the bride it IS original. Sure, as wedding industry ‘professionals’ one can steer the bride and groom in the direction one feels they should go to best display their personalities but let us not forget; WE i.e. you and I, are ensconced DAILY in this ever changing industry we see new fads and fashions changing minute by minute and hour by hour, who are WE to say these are better than stripy straws, chalkboards and signing frames?! If the bride in question is our friend and ASKS of us our opinion then, yeah, why not say “this isn’t you when did Mary Stewart come to town?” People like to keep safe and like to feel like they are on trend, who the hell are we to say otherwise? One of the main things I say to my couples is, don’t forget this is about you, this is your day do what you want how you want to do it. If they WANT group shots with Aunty Mabel if they want big standard centrepieces then GREAT! The reason for blogs like these is so people can make their own informed/uninformed choices. Whether or not you or I think they are outdated is irrelevant. I personally feel, and I may be wrong here, that this blog isn’t written with the bride in mind, more the supplier. I may be wrong but that is how I read it.
This is brilliant. Lots of my brides have beautiful details but sometimes you do just think- this is about the two of you, where are all the details that reflect that?
Wish all everyone I know getting married – or those that have been married too- could read this!
Charlie x
Good post and whilst I agree with a lot of the points made I also find I agree with Sarah Morris. There are still a lot of instances with brides I meet whose parents are footing the bill and in these circumstances when a couple plan things as suggested above and take the money without any thought for the parents feelings it can lead to a lot of upset which if slightly better explained and handled could be avoided.
I work with both brides and mothers of the bride and groom (making millinery items for them) so I get to hear both sides of the dilemma and I have seen the outright hostility it has caused (which can probably be worked through in time but casts a huge shadow) or more damagingly the hurt and anger that is suppressed but can’t stay that way forever without damaging relationships unless resolved.
The trend that I have noticed in the time I’ve worked in the industry (and you could dismiss me as “out of touch generation” as I’m past the 40 mark and married in a traditional way, though with my own diy stamp on things), is that a lot of brides I meet now seem so wrapped up and stressed in sorting out unique, different themes and concepts that these seem to take over from the real reason for the day. Weddings are so special, they don’t need to be overcomplicated.
I love individuality and long may it reign, but there is nothing wrong with traditional either.
Oooh some good comments coming through ladies! I know Emma is going to be around to reply later on and so will I – just about to head off to drive to The Lake District but look forward to reading over the comments later – thanks for taking the time to reply,
Annabel x
I’m sorry I’ve ruffled your feathers Sarah, as I think that actually we’re singing from the same hymn sheet and perhaps I’ve not made my point as well as I can!
The reason I nod and smile is not, as you suggest, because I’m gritting my teeth that it’s all been done before – quite the opposite in fact. It makes me smile because it’s indicative of the seismic shift in how weddings are viewed and the vast generational gap between the folks who have only ever seen ‘the way it’s always been done’ and the folks who are expanding, reconfiguring and breaking the mould in doing precisely what you say and making it about them.
I completely agree that we are ensconced in the industry and see things daily that are fresh and original to brides. That was my point. It was not that one thing is better than another. It was not that there’s anything wrong with bunting, mason jars, stripy straws, chalkboards or signing frames. If anything it was a note of caution to our peers that we shouldn’t be so quick to tire of trends.
I’m sorry if that came across as a judgement – I actually advocate total objectivity about whatever styling choices a couple choose to make, so long as they consciously decided to include it rather than going with the flow. I would hate for any bride to look back on an aspect of their day and think “Why did I do that?”
That’s all I was trying to say.
That’s a really important point actually Sarah, when financial obligations are a factor I dare say it is more of a mine field (and one that I salute you for steering your brides through!). I would always hope that if other people are generous enough to contribute towards the cost of a wedding then the couple would want to let their benefactors know what the money is going towards and invite their involvement in that arena…but I suspect that’s a whole topic for another blog post…
I completely agree with your final sentence, I just have to add that for me, the caveat is that there’s nothing wrong with tradition if that is TRULY what the couple want, rather than just plumping for it.
I have to say I agree with a lot of the sentiment in the comments here. Whilst planning my wedding I have felt like some wedding magazines, blogs, suppliers etc are pressuring couples into a ‘personal’ and ‘different’ style to make your wedding ‘meaningful’ or ‘special’.
For one thing, a lot of this ‘personal’ style that is meant to give weddings meaning seems to be more fashionable and copycat than personal to the couple. We have decided to go with a fairly traditional wedding because that’s what we want to do, our style is quite classic and I personally am just not a fan of bunting (!). The wedding industry makes me feel like I have to defend this choice and that my wedding will therefore not be special enough.
I agree that it’s great there are all these options for brides and that people should really do what they love (while keeping in mind their circumstances, family etc) – but the implications that there is a ‘right’ way to do this make me feel a bit defensive.
K x
Sorry, I should add that the reason I read this blog is because it never (normally) makes me feel like that – I always feel the importance here is the story and sentiment as much as they style and love it for that (and the odd bit of pretty).
This really resonates with me Katylkh – I definitely do not ever want Love My Dress to be the type of blog that insinuates tradition is boring or uncreative and that this somehow equates to being not-good enough or copycat or whatever or that you should do this or that – I’d be very sad if you felt this particular blog left you feeling that way.
There is a whole big discussion ongoing in the industry itself that relates to this, perhaps best captured by this post here by Anne Almasy http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anne-almasy/resolution_1_b_2761883.html
In fact, that Huffington post feature made me think really hard about how I portray weddings on this blog – and since then I’ve made a much bigger effort to include shots I wouldn’t have done before because they didn’t focus on the detail or ‘creative’ aspect. This post is a good example: https://www.lovemydress.net/blog/2013/02/a-first-look-and-an-oxford-university-love-story.html
I have since been making a much bigger effort to do the same in every real wedding blog post we feature – because it’s not all about the detail and styling and decor even though I adore all of that and for many folks this is the ideal opportunity to be as creative as they like – but it’s also about the people and human gestures, smiles, emotion and if the couple like so, all the traditional elements too! Group shots, confetti shots, whatever! If these shots come through as happy, joyous shots in a set of images that we receive in a submission – we will feature them on the blog.
It really means a lot to me that Love My Dress doesn’t come over as a place dishing out prescriptive/creative/on-trend formulas for your wedding day – we don’t CARE how you style your day – we just want this to be place where you can draw on inspiration from like-minded people in relation to any aspect of your day, from the fashion aspect to styling, readings and more emotional elements involved in planning your wedding – we want it to be a place that you enjoy dipping in and out of as you plan your nuptials. I really hope you enjoy visiting 🙂 Of course we all have personal preferences when it comes to style and aesthetic and Love My Dress will always be drawn to the more glamorous, elegant, chic end of the scale, but we really just want this to be a place that genuinely inspires and supports brides on their journey.
Thank you for taking time to reply Katylkh 🙂 xXx
Aaaaargh no Katylkh! I did not in any way mean to imply there is a right way, only that I wanted people to look beyond what has always been done as a blueprint if it doesn’t feel right for them. I’m cross with myself for making you feel defensive. You’re totally right, it’s the story and the sentiment that’s the main thing, which is why I finished this piece saying that weddings are meant to be all about the people. I don’t care what goes on around that – whether it’s super traditional or a mad festival in a field – I just want people to start with what THEY want and work out from there.
Oops, I wrote a bit of an essay below – didn’t realise how long it was!!! 😉 THanks Katylkh- not to worry! We welcome any thoughts and comments on our discussion posts and your feedback is really helpful! I am so pleased Love My Dress doesn’t make you feel pressured in any way, that’s great news for us and lets us know we’re doing something right 🙂
Just read the Huffington post piece, fantastic! Thanks for the link.
Ah the Internet! The terrible fickle misunderstood Internet! I think upon reading the article I’ve grabbed hold of the negative, or what I felt was the negative and run with it, it’s good to have a bit of healthy debate isn’t it, I try wherever possible, to put myself in my brides shoes and can become vehemently protective 🙂 I stand by what I have said because noone likes a bactracker!! but I do think your point is valid in so much as, hey! Bridey!! DO WHAT YOU WANT!! Thank you so much for replying to me.
Unlike a lot of commenters, this post hasn’t made me angry, although it had made me a little sad. I’m struggling with the fact that my parents (or to be more honest, my mum) just don’t get that we just want a wedding that is really us.
But time after time, I’ve had awkward conversations and curt responses to every little aspect of the planning. The flowers are wrong, the bridesmaids aren’t allowed to choose their own dresses, the venue is some kind of abomination. It’s tiring and it’s hurtful that – after years of being pressured about the lack of a ring on my finger – my mum can’t just accept us for who we are and let us have the day we want.
Because I’m stubborn, I’m not giving into the demands for something that is else (at this point, I’m honestly not sure what they want, just that it’s not what I’m doing), but it is causing a rift. I must sound like a petulant child, stamping my foot because I want my own way, but I honestly can’t understand the hostility about my choices. The whole world is telling me that this is our special day – so why can’t my mum see it that way?
Hello Katie, I can relate to your comments, I had some very different ideas to my mum almost 16 years ago when there simply weren’t the choices and variety there is now so I understand your sadness (in fact I wanted pretty traditional and so did she but we still found conflict). All I can say from my experience is that once the day came and I married my hubby, all the differences seemed to evaporate. I hope that things work out for you too! I think it is just the nature of the mother daughter relationship. The next stage was when will there be babies? and then we didn’t do it like that!!!
Just to clarify I wouldn’t swap my mum for the world!
Same, I love my mum to bits & usually she’s fab, its just when it comes to the wedding that we disagree.. Keep telling myself “it’ll be alright on the night!”
Money matters, but alot of times the best part of a wedding is how you put it together independent of money. Creativity can go a long way if you put aside money for a moment.