difficult mum wedding
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From The Heart: Dealing With A Difficult Mum When Planning A Wedding

I’ve read so many wonderful From the Heart features which helped me plan my own wedding. Whilst, as you will read, this isn’t an advice piece so much as me sharing my experience, I hope it helps those other brides-to-be who may be able to relate in their own way. Traditionally speaking, amongst all the parents, it’s the mother-of-the groom who ends up being the planning nightmare, right?!

I wanted to share with you all about how I coped with a different family difficulty: my mother. One of those incredibly hard and seemingly unspoken topics that some of us face, and not just in relation to planning a wedding. I’ve focused on what I felt were the two most important and prominent issues during planning our wedding, though my husband and I experienced many other problems that we were constantly firefighting against.

I remember sitting at my in-laws table with my recently engaged sister-in-law and me saying; “If me and K ever decided to get married, my mum will not be interested or excited.” I was right and wrong at the same time. She managed to be both disinterested, and too interested and critical at the same time.Dealing with a difficult mum when planning a wedding

We got engaged last year and married this summer, and from the get-go my mother did not really want to be involved or got excited. To put this in perspective, her reaction when we got engaged was: “Well, it isn’t a surprise is it?” If she was going to be involved in the planning, it had to be her way. She thought I was doing it all wrong, as it was not what she wanted. At first, we let this pass by ignoring things, or we tried to resolve the issues as they arose.

However, it progressively worsened to the point that I had to disinvite my own parents from our wedding in an awful, traumatic phone conversation with my father over Christmas.I should probably provide some background to my situation. I believe that my mother is a narcissist; though I’d never recognised nor fully understood this until I left home. We used to fight, as all mother and daughters do, at least that’s what I thought. Every time I chose to do something that my mum didn’t like, from the smallest thing like buying a short skirt (“It makes you look like a whore”) to bigger issues like moving across the country with my fiancé (“You won’t get a job, you’re unemployable as people think you will want babies soon and won’t want to hire you”). At the time, I was in my early to mid-twenties, had been living away from my parents for a number of years and was not planning on having children.

Firstly, I want to say that the whole experience was hard. Really hard.  People would ask me “Oh, is your mum excited?” and I would lie, replying “Yeah, she is,” just to fit in with the norm. My mother and I ended up barely speaking about the wedding, and when we did she was bored, and disinterested.

The catalyst for many of the issues we faced when planning the wedding was when we went dress shopping. Originally, I went alone with my sister-in-law as a surprise trip that she’d planned for me. It was nothing serious; just to try on a few dresses, get ideas and drink bubbles (a shared hobby!).

I then went properly with my mum, after proposing that my mother-in-law came as well which Mum dismissed, we went alone. I tried on a beautiful fishtail dress, the type I believed I wanted at the time, and a beaded 1920’s style dress which she wanted me to wear. As I’d feared, it wasn’t the magical moment you see on TV, or hear about, I found it to be a painful experience. She wasn’t interested in any dress except the ones that she liked, and dismissed all my preferences.

I felt for the sales assistant with the awkward and uncomfortable atmosphere of the appointment. She only liked the 1920s style dresses, which as pretty as they are, didn’t suit my petite, hourglass figure! Everything else I tried on came with backhanded comments and disinterest. I came away feeling quite confused and frustrated by the experience.

Later that month, I had moved to the opposite end of the country (for unrelated reasons) and came back to try on some more dresses nearby to where my parents lived. This time my mother-in-law came with us. I adore my ‘MIL’, she is the most wonderful, accepting woman, as is her husband, and they have accepted me into their family with open arms. Consequently, my mum is jealous of our relationship. I can cope with this jealously as I’m sure it’s a common issue, and I wanted my MIL there to be part of the experience, and to help me. I couldn’t go through an appointment alone again. As before it was terrible, my mother only liked the dresses that didn’t suit me and that I didn’t like. I found one that I really, really liked. She hated it, and tried her best to tell me that I shouldn’t buy it. By the end of that day, I came away only with a migraine.

Anything I had liked (and looked pretty damn good in, even if I do say so myself!) my mother hated, and told me under the guise of ‘brutal honesty’. I have no issue with honesty, but she said nothing positive or constructive. I handled it the best I could, though when we got back I cried; even finding that this was stifled by their planned dinner party and me needing to be on my top form for the sake of appearances. When I returned home I collapsed in my fiancé’s arms and said I couldn’t go through it again.

A while later, during a blow up argument with my mum about the wedding, and her (now proven wrong) assumption that a live band was tacky and that no one would dance, I told her I wasn’t going back to theirs to choose a dress. It was too far, at least 7 hours each way for me and by now it was the final straw and I simply didn’t want to.

After much agonising and tears, I ended up going with my mother-in-law nearer to my home. I knew the dress I wanted would not be one my mum liked at all and I couldn’t put myself through that experience again. I found a dress that I loved, and bought it from my own savings, as I didn’t want to be dictated in this decision by my mother. I told my mum the partial truth and sent her a link to the dress that I bought.  She hated it and told me so. Months later, after my first fitting, I showed her a photo of me in the dress. Again, she told me she hated it. On the day, she told me I looked beautiful, but it wasn’t the dress she wanted for me. I told her to either tell me that she thought I looked stunning and the dress was gorgeous, or say nothing. She left the room and we barely spoke for the rest of the day.

On the next of many issues, and one of the primary reasons they were disinvited from our wedding, my parents wanted us to let my mother do a speech. Originally they (she) wanted my mother to give one in place of my father. We told them that we didn’t know who was doing speeches yet since we hadn’t even confirmed the venue at this point and she stormed out of our house without saying goodbye. This was two days before we moved, the same day as the disastrous dress shop experience, and we didn’t know when we would next see them. As such, this particular issue didn’t stop, even on the wedding day. We had tried to set boundaries, but at Christmas, the issue came up again – and again, we deflected. Then my dad asked us to compromise and let her give a speech with him. In life, I compromise frequently, and willingly, with my parents and with others. We compromised about details with our wedding as well, accepting it as part of the process. However, given their previous behaviour, I could not compromise on this occasion. We felt that we couldn’t trust her to give a speech that wouldn’t offend us.

After spending a painful Christmas with them, we went home and then I got a phone call from my father, despite having asked for space. He said I had to compromise on this, and that he wanted to do a speech with mum, otherwise he wouldn’t do one. So I said “That’s fine, I’ll do one myself, and actually as you are being like this and not respecting our wishes I think its best you don’t come.”

Actually, I tell a lie. That didn’t happen at all. I shouted down the phone at him in floods of tears that for one day couldn’t they put my wishes in front of my mother’s and please let me have the wedding that I wanted. He said no. And I said ‘don’t come’.

I know it sounds harsh, even petty, but after many, many years of subtle but increasingly vicious and hurtful criticisms and digs framed as “But we’re so close I can say these things to you” or “I’m your mother, I’m just being honest for your own good” I could not take any more. If I did what she wanted, everything was fine, if I didn’t, then I was verbally or emotionally punished. I knew they would come to the wedding; that conversation was never referenced again between me and Dad. It sounds like I’m playing games – but please understand that I wasn’t. I just couldn’t take it anymore, for a couple of months after this, we didn’t speak at all. In those months, I didn’t want them at our wedding; they truly had hurt me too much with their behaviour.

I knew that if my mum had done a speech, it would have been about her, and not me. There would be things that were said that she knew I wouldn’t want in there. In the end they did come to our wedding and my dad did a speech – but my Mother had written it. It wasn’t awful, but there were some subtle digs which no one but myself, my husband and some other close family and friends noticed. Nevertheless, I found it hard to listen to and held my husband and best friends hands the entire time as I was so nervous about it. This was also the time that she decided to have a ‘moment’. She wasn’t allowed to stand up next to my dad as he did the speech and so during our best man’s speech she walked out, under the guise of collecting some minor evening guests that neither me nor my husband had wanted to invite. She didn’t smile once during my husband’s speech, even when he was complimenting and thanking my parents, though my Dad did.

When the wedding breakfast was over, and after the cake cutting, she asked for a lift home from some very close family friends. I gave her a hug and told her goodbye and thank you. It was awkward for the guests, for me and my new husband. Of course, she didn’t leave, she just wanted us to pander to her, but we didn’t speak for the rest of the evening, and we still haven’t spoken since the wedding. She hurt me massively, and continues to do so.

She said many times, that after the bride, the most important person at the wedding is the mother of the bride. What she really meant, was that the most important person was her. I also fundamentally believe that she couldn’t let the day be about me and my husband. In the end, of course it was about us; and she hated it.

There is so much more that I could share, but these moments are two of the most significant to me. I coped and this whole experience has made me a far stronger person. But I coped largely due to the support I had from my fiancé, closest friends and my ‘new’ family. They were there every step of the way for me and I don’t know what I would have done without them. When planning my wedding, I found there wasn’t much advice around for what to do when your mother ‘is not interested’ or ‘does not want to be involved’. It is such a personal issue, but there isn’t much advice out there for brides (or grooms) in this situation, so I hope that this helps other brides to know that they are not alone. Wedding planning is often portrayed as a time to get close to your mum, and that that it will be the two of you having the best time planning your perfect wedding day. This isn’t always the case however, and you aren’t alone if that isn’t your experience.

I came to hate planning my wedding, as I’m sure most brides go through at some point, I had a bunch of people who were helping me, and they were fantastic with the aspects that I could hand over to them. However, the issues with my mum made me ill in the run up and I was signed off work due to stress. Other people dealt with her in the final days up to the wedding, mainly my husband and a couple of people who were briefed on the situation, but I couldn’t avoid her completely. I was, and feel I still am, in mourning for a mother who cannot be interested in our lives unless it revolves around her. I wanted her to be involved and to enjoy the experience with me.

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I loved our wedding! We had the most incredible day surrounded by people who love us and wanted us to have the best day, and we did. Those things she did, yes they angered and hurt me, I ranted to my husband and a couple of others for about 5 minutes, but then I picked up my dress and carried on laughing, drinking and dancing.

I’d do our wedding all over again in a heartbeat, though I’d choose the version without all the heartache. Am I sad that my mum couldn’t enjoy the experience with me? Yes, I’m devastated by it, I love my parents and despite what I’ve written above they are good people. But they are not good to me. My one biggest piece of advice is to enjoy your day and do what you and your husband-to-be want for your wedding. You get one day, so have it how you want. If people love you, they will get in line and do what they can to help. It shouldn’t matter if it isn’t what they want, they will do it anyway.

I’d also recommend the following:

  1. Tell your suppliers your situation and be honest, they’ve seen most of it before! I was and it helped so much on the day. Our co-ordinator, as much as he was able to, made sure my mother was far away from me whilst we were setting up and on the morning. As did our photographer – my mum said she didn’t want to have any photos of herself that weren’t posed. He nodded and appeared to acquiesce to her, but there are still photos of her at various moments during the wedding.
  2. Tell your bridesmaids and best man if you feel comfortable with it. One of my girls had my phone the morning of the wedding and answered any calls from my mum as we didn’t stay in the same place. They also made sure I had one of them, an usher or my husband with me as much as possible throughout the day. Our best man knew the situation and helped us out too – especially with the speeches!
  3. Stay separately from your mother the night before the wedding. I stayed in a hotel near the venue the night before with just my bridesmaids. Although I didn’t sleep (does any bride the night before?!) I was far more comfortable in my own room, and with my own space, surrounded by positive people.
  4. Enjoy every moment and don’t let anyone ruin it for you on the day. It is the most incredible, magical day and you will love every moment of it! Surround both of you with the most positive people in your lives and tell anyone that is upsetting you to do-one (but in nicer terms!) You get one day, and it is about you and your husband, despite what others may tell you.
  5. Try not to have your mother on your top table. We bucked with tradition and only had our bridesmaids, best man and ushers. We had such fun with them, and laughed the entire time! We also made sure that our seating plan ensured that neither my husband nor I had my mother in our line of sight and she wouldn’t have to walk past us for any reason.

Writing this piece has been a cathartic experience for me, and I hope it gives some other brides hope and lets them know its fine not to have a fairy-tale experience with your mum and your family. I’ve chosen to keep this anonymous as it is a very personal thing to share. But if you do want to get in touch, please pass your details on to Annabel who will be able to connect us.

With Love x

 

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The author of this feature would prefer to remain anonymous but is one of our lovely blog readers who has asked to contribute to our ‘From The Heart’ Sunday series, where we hand the blog back over to our readers to write about all matters of love and life. If you would like to contribute a From The Heart piece, we would dearly love to hear from you. It doesn’t matter what it’s about and it doesn’t have to be related to weddings at all – we’re looking for honest, authentic, personal, sad, happy, family, relationship, marriage, health, light-hearted, serious, baby, trying for baby, children, career, simple, complicated – real life issues.  We just need you to write from your heart. Keep it upbeat and witty, or share your thoughts anonymously on a more challenging or emotional subject. Please drop me a line at [email protected]. Love Annabel x

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