I’ve read so many wonderful From the Heart features which helped me plan my own wedding. Whilst, as you will read, this isn’t an advice piece so much as me sharing my experience, I hope it helps those other brides-to-be who may be able to relate in their own way. Traditionally speaking, amongst all the parents, it’s the mother-of-the groom who ends up being the planning nightmare, right?!
I wanted to share with you all about how I coped with a different family difficulty: my mother. One of those incredibly hard and seemingly unspoken topics that some of us face, and not just in relation to planning a wedding. I’ve focused on what I felt were the two most important and prominent issues during planning our wedding, though my husband and I experienced many other problems that we were constantly firefighting against.
I remember sitting at my in-laws table with my recently engaged sister-in-law and me saying; “If me and K ever decided to get married, my mum will not be interested or excited.” I was right and wrong at the same time. She managed to be both disinterested, and too interested and critical at the same time.
We got engaged last year and married this summer, and from the get-go my mother did not really want to be involved or got excited. To put this in perspective, her reaction when we got engaged was: “Well, it isn’t a surprise is it?” If she was going to be involved in the planning, it had to be her way. She thought I was doing it all wrong, as it was not what she wanted. At first, we let this pass by ignoring things, or we tried to resolve the issues as they arose.
However, it progressively worsened to the point that I had to disinvite my own parents from our wedding in an awful, traumatic phone conversation with my father over Christmas.I should probably provide some background to my situation. I believe that my mother is a narcissist; though I’d never recognised nor fully understood this until I left home. We used to fight, as all mother and daughters do, at least that’s what I thought. Every time I chose to do something that my mum didn’t like, from the smallest thing like buying a short skirt (“It makes you look like a whore”) to bigger issues like moving across the country with my fiancé (“You won’t get a job, you’re unemployable as people think you will want babies soon and won’t want to hire you”). At the time, I was in my early to mid-twenties, had been living away from my parents for a number of years and was not planning on having children.
Firstly, I want to say that the whole experience was hard. Really hard. People would ask me “Oh, is your mum excited?” and I would lie, replying “Yeah, she is,” just to fit in with the norm. My mother and I ended up barely speaking about the wedding, and when we did she was bored, and disinterested.
The catalyst for many of the issues we faced when planning the wedding was when we went dress shopping. Originally, I went alone with my sister-in-law as a surprise trip that she’d planned for me. It was nothing serious; just to try on a few dresses, get ideas and drink bubbles (a shared hobby!).
I then went properly with my mum, after proposing that my mother-in-law came as well which Mum dismissed, we went alone. I tried on a beautiful fishtail dress, the type I believed I wanted at the time, and a beaded 1920’s style dress which she wanted me to wear. As I’d feared, it wasn’t the magical moment you see on TV, or hear about, I found it to be a painful experience. She wasn’t interested in any dress except the ones that she liked, and dismissed all my preferences.
I felt for the sales assistant with the awkward and uncomfortable atmosphere of the appointment. She only liked the 1920s style dresses, which as pretty as they are, didn’t suit my petite, hourglass figure! Everything else I tried on came with backhanded comments and disinterest. I came away feeling quite confused and frustrated by the experience.
Later that month, I had moved to the opposite end of the country (for unrelated reasons) and came back to try on some more dresses nearby to where my parents lived. This time my mother-in-law came with us. I adore my ‘MIL’, she is the most wonderful, accepting woman, as is her husband, and they have accepted me into their family with open arms. Consequently, my mum is jealous of our relationship. I can cope with this jealously as I’m sure it’s a common issue, and I wanted my MIL there to be part of the experience, and to help me. I couldn’t go through an appointment alone again. As before it was terrible, my mother only liked the dresses that didn’t suit me and that I didn’t like. I found one that I really, really liked. She hated it, and tried her best to tell me that I shouldn’t buy it. By the end of that day, I came away only with a migraine.
Anything I had liked (and looked pretty damn good in, even if I do say so myself!) my mother hated, and told me under the guise of ‘brutal honesty’. I have no issue with honesty, but she said nothing positive or constructive. I handled it the best I could, though when we got back I cried; even finding that this was stifled by their planned dinner party and me needing to be on my top form for the sake of appearances. When I returned home I collapsed in my fiancé’s arms and said I couldn’t go through it again.
A while later, during a blow up argument with my mum about the wedding, and her (now proven wrong) assumption that a live band was tacky and that no one would dance, I told her I wasn’t going back to theirs to choose a dress. It was too far, at least 7 hours each way for me and by now it was the final straw and I simply didn’t want to.
After much agonising and tears, I ended up going with my mother-in-law nearer to my home. I knew the dress I wanted would not be one my mum liked at all and I couldn’t put myself through that experience again. I found a dress that I loved, and bought it from my own savings, as I didn’t want to be dictated in this decision by my mother. I told my mum the partial truth and sent her a link to the dress that I bought. She hated it and told me so. Months later, after my first fitting, I showed her a photo of me in the dress. Again, she told me she hated it. On the day, she told me I looked beautiful, but it wasn’t the dress she wanted for me. I told her to either tell me that she thought I looked stunning and the dress was gorgeous, or say nothing. She left the room and we barely spoke for the rest of the day.
On the next of many issues, and one of the primary reasons they were disinvited from our wedding, my parents wanted us to let my mother do a speech. Originally they (she) wanted my mother to give one in place of my father. We told them that we didn’t know who was doing speeches yet since we hadn’t even confirmed the venue at this point and she stormed out of our house without saying goodbye. This was two days before we moved, the same day as the disastrous dress shop experience, and we didn’t know when we would next see them. As such, this particular issue didn’t stop, even on the wedding day. We had tried to set boundaries, but at Christmas, the issue came up again – and again, we deflected. Then my dad asked us to compromise and let her give a speech with him. In life, I compromise frequently, and willingly, with my parents and with others. We compromised about details with our wedding as well, accepting it as part of the process. However, given their previous behaviour, I could not compromise on this occasion. We felt that we couldn’t trust her to give a speech that wouldn’t offend us.
After spending a painful Christmas with them, we went home and then I got a phone call from my father, despite having asked for space. He said I had to compromise on this, and that he wanted to do a speech with mum, otherwise he wouldn’t do one. So I said “That’s fine, I’ll do one myself, and actually as you are being like this and not respecting our wishes I think its best you don’t come.”
Actually, I tell a lie. That didn’t happen at all. I shouted down the phone at him in floods of tears that for one day couldn’t they put my wishes in front of my mother’s and please let me have the wedding that I wanted. He said no. And I said ‘don’t come’.
I know it sounds harsh, even petty, but after many, many years of subtle but increasingly vicious and hurtful criticisms and digs framed as “But we’re so close I can say these things to you” or “I’m your mother, I’m just being honest for your own good” I could not take any more. If I did what she wanted, everything was fine, if I didn’t, then I was verbally or emotionally punished. I knew they would come to the wedding; that conversation was never referenced again between me and Dad. It sounds like I’m playing games – but please understand that I wasn’t. I just couldn’t take it anymore, for a couple of months after this, we didn’t speak at all. In those months, I didn’t want them at our wedding; they truly had hurt me too much with their behaviour.
I knew that if my mum had done a speech, it would have been about her, and not me. There would be things that were said that she knew I wouldn’t want in there. In the end they did come to our wedding and my dad did a speech – but my Mother had written it. It wasn’t awful, but there were some subtle digs which no one but myself, my husband and some other close family and friends noticed. Nevertheless, I found it hard to listen to and held my husband and best friends hands the entire time as I was so nervous about it. This was also the time that she decided to have a ‘moment’. She wasn’t allowed to stand up next to my dad as he did the speech and so during our best man’s speech she walked out, under the guise of collecting some minor evening guests that neither me nor my husband had wanted to invite. She didn’t smile once during my husband’s speech, even when he was complimenting and thanking my parents, though my Dad did.
When the wedding breakfast was over, and after the cake cutting, she asked for a lift home from some very close family friends. I gave her a hug and told her goodbye and thank you. It was awkward for the guests, for me and my new husband. Of course, she didn’t leave, she just wanted us to pander to her, but we didn’t speak for the rest of the evening, and we still haven’t spoken since the wedding. She hurt me massively, and continues to do so.
She said many times, that after the bride, the most important person at the wedding is the mother of the bride. What she really meant, was that the most important person was her. I also fundamentally believe that she couldn’t let the day be about me and my husband. In the end, of course it was about us; and she hated it.
There is so much more that I could share, but these moments are two of the most significant to me. I coped and this whole experience has made me a far stronger person. But I coped largely due to the support I had from my fiancé, closest friends and my ‘new’ family. They were there every step of the way for me and I don’t know what I would have done without them. When planning my wedding, I found there wasn’t much advice around for what to do when your mother ‘is not interested’ or ‘does not want to be involved’. It is such a personal issue, but there isn’t much advice out there for brides (or grooms) in this situation, so I hope that this helps other brides to know that they are not alone. Wedding planning is often portrayed as a time to get close to your mum, and that that it will be the two of you having the best time planning your perfect wedding day. This isn’t always the case however, and you aren’t alone if that isn’t your experience.
I came to hate planning my wedding, as I’m sure most brides go through at some point, I had a bunch of people who were helping me, and they were fantastic with the aspects that I could hand over to them. However, the issues with my mum made me ill in the run up and I was signed off work due to stress. Other people dealt with her in the final days up to the wedding, mainly my husband and a couple of people who were briefed on the situation, but I couldn’t avoid her completely. I was, and feel I still am, in mourning for a mother who cannot be interested in our lives unless it revolves around her. I wanted her to be involved and to enjoy the experience with me.
I loved our wedding! We had the most incredible day surrounded by people who love us and wanted us to have the best day, and we did. Those things she did, yes they angered and hurt me, I ranted to my husband and a couple of others for about 5 minutes, but then I picked up my dress and carried on laughing, drinking and dancing.
I’d do our wedding all over again in a heartbeat, though I’d choose the version without all the heartache. Am I sad that my mum couldn’t enjoy the experience with me? Yes, I’m devastated by it, I love my parents and despite what I’ve written above they are good people. But they are not good to me. My one biggest piece of advice is to enjoy your day and do what you and your husband-to-be want for your wedding. You get one day, so have it how you want. If people love you, they will get in line and do what they can to help. It shouldn’t matter if it isn’t what they want, they will do it anyway.
I’d also recommend the following:
- Tell your suppliers your situation and be honest, they’ve seen most of it before! I was and it helped so much on the day. Our co-ordinator, as much as he was able to, made sure my mother was far away from me whilst we were setting up and on the morning. As did our photographer – my mum said she didn’t want to have any photos of herself that weren’t posed. He nodded and appeared to acquiesce to her, but there are still photos of her at various moments during the wedding.
- Tell your bridesmaids and best man if you feel comfortable with it. One of my girls had my phone the morning of the wedding and answered any calls from my mum as we didn’t stay in the same place. They also made sure I had one of them, an usher or my husband with me as much as possible throughout the day. Our best man knew the situation and helped us out too – especially with the speeches!
- Stay separately from your mother the night before the wedding. I stayed in a hotel near the venue the night before with just my bridesmaids. Although I didn’t sleep (does any bride the night before?!) I was far more comfortable in my own room, and with my own space, surrounded by positive people.
- Enjoy every moment and don’t let anyone ruin it for you on the day. It is the most incredible, magical day and you will love every moment of it! Surround both of you with the most positive people in your lives and tell anyone that is upsetting you to do-one (but in nicer terms!) You get one day, and it is about you and your husband, despite what others may tell you.
- Try not to have your mother on your top table. We bucked with tradition and only had our bridesmaids, best man and ushers. We had such fun with them, and laughed the entire time! We also made sure that our seating plan ensured that neither my husband nor I had my mother in our line of sight and she wouldn’t have to walk past us for any reason.
Writing this piece has been a cathartic experience for me, and I hope it gives some other brides hope and lets them know its fine not to have a fairy-tale experience with your mum and your family. I’ve chosen to keep this anonymous as it is a very personal thing to share. But if you do want to get in touch, please pass your details on to Annabel who will be able to connect us.
With Love x
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The author of this feature would prefer to remain anonymous but is one of our lovely blog readers who has asked to contribute to our ‘From The Heart’ Sunday series, where we hand the blog back over to our readers to write about all matters of love and life. If you would like to contribute a From The Heart piece, we would dearly love to hear from you. It doesn’t matter what it’s about and it doesn’t have to be related to weddings at all – we’re looking for honest, authentic, personal, sad, happy, family, relationship, marriage, health, light-hearted, serious, baby, trying for baby, children, career, simple, complicated – real life issues. We just need you to write from your heart. Keep it upbeat and witty, or share your thoughts anonymously on a more challenging or emotional subject. Please drop me a line at [email protected]. Love Annabel x
I’m so sorry that your planning, dress shopping and big day was not as straight forward and enjoyable as you so deserved it to be. I’m so glad that you have a supportive husband and in-laws. A lot of what you said reminds me so much of my MIL. Why do people feel the need to volunteer an opinion (usually negative) when you haven’t asked for one?! lt seems they need to remember ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t speak at all’! I wish you all the best for a happy future.
I’ve been married for two years now. We- my mother and I – aren’t in touch for about same time. My wedding was beautiful for everybody else but me. I was so stressed out by my mother, that it ruined the whole experience for me. To wrote the list of things she done before and during a wedding would take a lot of time and space, but let’s just say that with my 175cm I went down to 45kg not because I wanted to (I’m naturally skinny) but because I was under such a pressure created by my mother that I was probably loosing weight with every breath I took. I was pretty bride – as all brides are – but still people though that I had to be terribly ill…. Anyway few days after the wedding my mother fired me from work (I worked in the family business for 12 years at the time), because my husband&I weren’t “grateful enough”… Till today I have no idea what were we supposed to be grateful for….
This has definitely struck a chord. Like yours, my mother wasn’t excited at all when I shared the news of my engagement… she was ok during the wedding planning stage (it helped, I suppose, that we live in different countries and paying for the wedding ourselves), but the morning of the wedding day was easily one of my most stressful ever, having to tend to her (and my father’s and sibling’s) needs and taking responsibility for their wellbeing instead of the other way round. She went back to being ok during the wedding itself although she managed to slip two or three hurtful comments at various points.
I found that planning a wedding can expose unhealthy family dynamics in two different ways: firstly, there’s the obvious stress of planning a wedding and taking lots of decisions, which give problematic parents lots of opportunities to cause trouble. Thankfully, as I said, this wasn’t a huge issue for me, but getting to know my fiancé’s family more closely and witnessing how a “normal” family behaves (without them being perfect, obviously) made me more conscious of the unhealthy dynamics in my own family.
Good luck to you both!
You guys,
Great post and informative article you have shared here wedding planning . I appreciate your post .
Thank you for your lovely comment, I know the author of this post will appreciate it.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been dealing with an absent mother during my wedding planning. She is very self absorbed and doesn’t have an interest in my life generally but for some reason I thought (and hoped) it would be different whilst planning my wedding – I guess as you’ve said you build it up to be the fairytale you see in the movies. The rest of my family and in laws are supportive but it still feels like there’s something missing. Wishing you lots of love and happiness in your married life.. Sometimes we just have to recognise these toxic people and know we are better off without them and they are the ones missing out.
Thank you so much for sharing your comment Anon – it can’t be easy for you right now but I hope you feel a little less isolated in your experiences after having read this feature. I could’t agree more with your comment about recognising the toxicity in relationships, even if they are meant to be important, family relations. Sometimes it can be healthier for everyone to cut-free.
Sending you much love,
Annabel xxxx
Thank you Annabel, I really appreciate this forum to share some of the truths and realities of wedding planning. This post has come just at the right time. With just a few weeks to go before our big day it’s really hit home this weekend xxx
I can’t tell you how much everything you have said there resignates with me!!
My own mum has also been a nightmare, hindrance and just general black cloud over our wedding planning. And with 10 days to go she actually had me in tears at the dress shop yesterday as she asked if I had “put on a few pounds” (the dress fit perfectly fine)
I know what you’ve gone through was awful but it’s so nice to know that I am not the only one who has a mother who can’t handle the attention on someone else .. Wish us luck for the day!
It’s comforting and sad to hear someone else had a similar experience. It’s something you have to prepare for when you have a different mother daughter relationship but it doesn’t my make it easier when it happens. My mother was not there to get ready with me on the morning of my wedding as it was too stressful for her and i refused to do the hair and make up schedule around her, so she got ready at home on her own. This is a sample of her behaviour in the run up to the wedding. From sending long emails of demands (which I in some parts was unable to meet as they were ridiculous) to completely hijacking my makeup trial after being repeatedly offered her own trial…and now the wedding is over we have to act like nothing happened and that she did not ruin the run up to our wedding for me. Luckily at the wedding she was mostly ok but also left in the speeches, and went for a lie down. The speeches were only 30 mintues in total as we felt long speeches weren’t our thing. I felt like saying if you can’t sit through 30 minutes of speeches at your own daughters wedding why are you here? I just smiled to my husband and let it go though as I had a room full of other people who cared more.
My dad paid for a lot of the wedding (parents are divorced) and had no demands other than we invite some family friends, mum on the otherhand didn’t help at all money wise (not that we expect help) or hands on wise but had lists of demands and took offence at everything that was not done to her liking. My sisters and husband were a great support but it feels terrible doesn’t it, to have the photographer ask ‘shall we do a special photo with the mother of the bride before the ceremony’ when you are all getting ready and to have to say no she’s not here, my sister explained to her after this that no we would not be doing photos with mum other than the standard group shots. I had some lovely photos with my gran and mother in law instead.
Just think it’s done, you never have to do it again and you had a lovely day. Sometimes the relationship is what it is and there’s no shame in that.
It sounds like you dealt with a complete nightmare so very graciously, I cannot imagine how hard this must have been for you! How lovely that your in-laws are so special.
In the spirit of solidarity… My mother is the complete nightmare of our wedding planning as well. I have been looking forward to planning my wedding since long before getting engaged but the whole process has been ruined for me with the stress of having to constantly justify my decisions to her. She absolutely thinks she is the most important person on the day, and frequently refers to it as ‘our’ wedding. Possibly the most laughable moment to date was when she declared she thinks she will have an outfit change for the evening! To which I replied ‘mum, I am the bride and I am not having two outfits, I think you will be fine with one’!
Wow! My mother also calls the wedding “our wedding” and IS wearing two outfits – there was no stopping her!!
She will also not be getting ready with us on the morning of the wedding – she turned down the hair and make up artist i offered her and has arranged her own.
I can’t wait to get married so this can all be over!
What a brilliant post. Thank you.
My partner and I have been together for 11 years, and last year I decided it was the right time to get remarried (both done it previously) BUT we decided it had to be on our terms (we are paying for it ourselves). We chose to keep it very secret until this weekend when our invites have just gone out. We told my step mum and dad a couple of months ago, and surprised them with a lovely meal, a sparkly necklace for her and a wing collar shirt for him – yes we’re having a winter black tie affair. Apart from initially offering us a load of glass tea light holders from her loft, she has asked nothing else. Completely disinterested. She has no idea what my flowers will be like, or what sort of dress I’ve chosen, what we are going to eat. Nothing. My dad (although not to me directly) is refusing to wear black tie as ‘he will look odd’ and my mum went dress shopping on her own and bought a dress that the neckline won’t work with the sparkly necklace that I bought her. Apart from that NOTHING has been mentioned. I have chosen to not have any bridesmaids (family politics) and yesterday I saw my sister, who couldn’t even muster a congratulations, (I had to ask if she had received her invitation! as she chose not to mention it either) but immediately asked if I would be having bridesmaids – she has a daughter….. And didn’t like the answer. The only person that has truly been there is my aunt. And I love her to bits.
Wouldn’t surprise me if my mum went for a lie down on the day either. Or in fact leant even turn up. Have to admit I wish we had just gone away and done it, leaving those who just want a free meal and glass of fizz behind. I thought folk would be pleased for us – how wrong can someone be!
Great to read that you took control in the end. I can totally relate to this post, so much so it’s the first time I have commented on a blog. My mother has no interest in our wedding at all. When my fiancé (who my parents love) and I told them we had got engaged, after 13 years together, my mother’s first response was “do you want a cup of tea?” There was no congratulations, nothing. Nothing other than an offer of a cup of tea!!! Really I’m surprised I didn’t expect such a response, after all it was much the same as when my brother’s got engaged to their partners. Silly of me to think it might be different as I was their only daughter. How wrong! Iv also had friends ask about how excited my mother is, which I find extremely embarrassing and just change the subject. I have asked her to come along wedding dress shopping, where would she like to be accommodated for the wedding and tried several times to engage her in any discussion with regards to our day, to which she gets up and walks out the room. As I organised just for my bridesmaids and I to go wedding dress shopping, due to her lack of interest in coming, I asked her to babysit my little brood. Even that was a problem for her and caused me so much unnecessary stress trying to rally around and get someone else after she let me down last minute. I will actually be surprised if she even turns up, to be honest I’d rather she told me from the outset she wasn’t coming it would save a whole lot of disappointment along the way.
I really feel this. My entire family life has been built around whatever it takes to keep Mum happy. I won’t go into details but much of the behaviour in the article really resonates. I know she loves me and I love her but she absolutely has to be the centre of attention at all times. But here’s the real kicker. She’s ill. Really ill. And it’s so conflicting because I feel like I ought to give her a pass because of what she’s going through. But now it’s like she has an excuse and a reason for the world to revolve around her and I just can’t figure out how to deal with it. Conflicted much?
Honestly, this had made me feel so much better that I’m not the only one going through this. My mother is either not interested at all or telling me I’m doing it all wrong. She’s extremely critical (although she thinks she’s just being honest for my own good) and this resulted in me having a pretty bad eating disorder as a teenager. I’m going dress shopping with her at the weekend and she actually said the other day that she’s not excited at all and doesn’t really care. I’m dreading it so much because I know she’ll just spend the whole day calling me fat and putting me off all the dresses I like. But, even though she doesn’t care, she’s adamant she must be there when I try on dresses. It’s going to be the worst day ever!
I’m so glad this post has made you feel better Anon. How did your dress shopping trip go? REALLy sorry to hear you have such a hard time with your Mum. Pop back here for a big virtual hug anytime. With all my love,
Annabel xxx
I’m so glad I found this! You’ve definitely got to stay strong and not let anybody talk you out of what you want… that’s my advice. Me and my mother have had issues for years and I think the upcoming wedding just highlights this. She was upset that we’re not getting married in a church (we’re not religious) told me not to buy the dress I liked, and flipped out when I told her siblings don’t qualify as automatic bridesmaids! Find support in your ‘other’ family if you can – my SIL has been brilliant, and hopefully by the time you have your own children she will realise that you’re a grown woman and no longer a child she needs to dictate/care for.
Thank you for writing this piece, even though my mother is actually quite excited we are encountering problems that she is planning this wedding as if it was her own and I get a lot of subtle and passing comments about choices I’m making. My parents are separated and I’m in the firing line about “choosing a side” even now when it’s been over 20 years and she knows I aren’t going to do such thing. It’s nice to read that there are people going through “Mum” issues and it’s not always the mother in law.
You are welcome Anon, I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time, we really truly do sympathise. I hope this article continues to provide you with some comfort.
With much love,
Annabel xXx