As I was browsing aimlessly through Facebook on Saturday afternoon, I happened to stumble upon an update from a friend. “You now people really do make me laugh”, he said, “I have a family relative who is getting married in the next few weeks, and the mother of the bride (my aunt) and the bride (my cousin) are arguing over how things should be done – and all manner of other things! When my aunt was told ‘well it’s her wedding’, the reply my aunt gave was, ‘I’m paying for half the wedding!’.
Oh boy, how many of you can relate to this?
There will be some parents who will always want to nuzzle in, regardless of whether they’re paying towards the wedding or not. This level of interfering might be well intended, or it might be a level of control-freak-ism that you’re used. The thought of having to deal with any of this kind of hassle is difficult enough when the offending parent isn’t paying towards your wedding? But the dynamics shift considerably when the parent insisting your wedding is done a certain way, is actually contributing towards the cost of your celebrations.
There’s something I need to tell you right now – contributing towards their son or daughters wedding does not buy parents the right to have a say in how that wedding is planned. Or who is invited. Or even how the seating plan is organised. Let me reiterate that; parents who contribute towards the cost of a wedding are not ‘buying’ a right, or say towards how that wedding is planned.I don’t mean that to sound rude and please don’t get me wrong – it’s a wonderful gesture for a member of your family to contribute financially towards the cost of your wedding, but it should always be done out of love and generosity, not because of a sense that it will entitle that parent to decision making rights. No. No. No.
It’s such a difficult one, because I know many of you will be thankful for any monetary contribution to your wedding day – no matter how insignificant. Let’s face it, most weddings aren’t cheap (we talk about exactly why weddings are expensive in this post). Accepting the money on the basis that the donator does not intefere with your wedding plans really isn’t that straight forward though, is it? Your parents might be incredibly easy going, understanding that their role in the planning of your wedding is to support you and the decisions you make, not insist on overriding them. But chances are that they may not be quite so relaxed about things. Tensions between relatives, family politics, fear of upsetting your parents, and then what if your parents are divorced too? There can be all manner of complex reasons why you find it difficult to politely request that your parents back off and let you get on with planning your own wedding.
I do believe, however, that it’s possible for you to act with grace and intention when it comes to accepting monetary contributions towards your wedding and that in so doing, your life and experience planning your wedding, might be made that bit easier. It may require being a little assertive, but being assertive doesn’t mean being rude or creating conflict, it simply means behaving in a self assured way. That means, reminding yourself that you (and your fiance, of course) are the ones in control of your wedding plans.
Accepting financial donations to your wedding with good grace
If your parents kindly offer to contribute towards the cost of your wedding, and you and your partner agree to accept this money, then accept it with genuine gratitude. Perhaps treat your folks out to a meal as a way of saying thank you – or send the most beautiful bunch of flowers that you can afford, with a little note inside that reminds them how much your appreciate their wonderfully kind gesture. Use the opportunity to politely clarify your principles in a little thank you note, perhaps on the lines of
‘Dear Mum/Dad/ Mum and Dad etc, thank you both so very much for your very kind donation towards the cost of our wedding day. We are both so thrilled! This will help the decisions we both make together so much less stressful, and we thank you for that. We know you’re going to love the plans we have in store and we can’t wait to surprise and treat you on the day. All our love, etc etc.’
Always accept monetary donations with good grace. Keep it classy. Always.
Accepting financial donations to your wedding with intention
What I basically mean by this is, when accepting a financial donation to your wedding, do so with the full intent that you will not feel pressured to spend it in a way that goes against your wishes. Accept it only with the full intent that you will spend the money wisely and sensibly but not based on decisions your parents have made (or put pressure on your to make).
Gifting your parents back with a sense of ownership
If you really can’t face the idea of politely (see ‘assertively’) reminding your parents that you would rather they didn’t involve themselves in planning your wedding day, then it may be worth picking one, maybe two aspects of your day, and allowing them to feel a sense of responsibility for these areas only. For example, your dress, or the cake. Perhaps explain to your Mum/Dad/both, that you both intend on making decisions for the dress/cake/whatever in the next month, and that their input would be really valued at this stage. Heck, you could discuss it over that thank you meal I mentioned earlier. Then, you can remind them that the money they donated will be put towards these items specifically and that you are both thrilled their donation will enable you to choose something very special together.
I fully appreciate that all of the above may well sound ‘easier said than done’, but I also sincerely hope that this post has given you some food for thought. And I know it’s an overused cliche but please please try to remind yourself that ‘your wedding is your day!’ I feel so sad at the thought that even one of our lovely readers might be struggling with this issue right now, so I’m calling you on your, our community of readers to help out.
If you are a bride facing the kind of struggle with your parents that I outline here, how have you been dealing with things so far?
If you are a newlywed who went through issues with your own parents paying for, then insisting you had your wedding in certain wah, how did you overcome this challenge?
Are your parents contributing to the cost of your wedding, and if so, how are you handling their involvement in your special day?
Please feel free to reply anonymously if this makes you feel more comfortable about sharing your views and experiences.
I’m really looking forward to hearing from you.
Annabel x
