From The Heart: Managing a Difficult Mother-in-Law When Planning a Wedding

What’s your biggest wedding-day fear? I got married to the love of my life two years ago. And as a bride-to-be, I thought my biggest problems would be ill-fitting dresses, uncooperative weather, and no-show guests. But as we began to plan the wedding, I realised what my biggest problem truly was: my soon-to-be mother-in-law making a scene if something didn’t go her way.

I had no worries about my wedding suppliers. They were all professional and reliable—such a great pleasure to work with. Never ran into problems with them, except for a minor miscommunication with the caterer (good thing my wedding coordinator handled it so well). Other than that, everything was smooth-sailing… or so I thought.

The mother of my then-fiancé (and now husband) wanted to have a say and be very much involved in every step of our decision making. Since Day 1, she made sure to let me and her son know her wishes for our wedding day, and she would become whiny each time she was told her particular request could not be accommodated. She wanted a grand event where all her relatives would be invited. But she has nine siblings and I was imagining the guest list getting out of control if all of them plus their respective spouses, children, and grandchildren showed up. My husband hadn’t seen or talked with many of these relatives in years, so inviting all of them seemed excessive – and a great way to blow our budget, to say the least.

Of course she offered to contribute a certain amount to partially cover the expenses, but my partner and I refused because we wanted to fully pay for our own wedding – that way, we’d get to decide on everything by ourselves.

As a soon-to-be-wed couple, we shared our own clear vision vision for our wedding; we dreamed of a small and intimate affair. We didn’t desire or need a grand fairytale wedding – we just wanted it to be authentic. We envisioned a simple celebration of our love, surrounded by our closest family and friends.

Because my mother in law had been meddlesome in many aspects of her children’s lives, my fiancé and I both agreed that we’d not share all the wedding details with her, so to avoid her getting too involved and trying to influence our decisions. But our efforts to keep things discreet proved futile, as she would snoop into detail and provide unsolicited comments on everything from our choice of engagement shoot outfit (“Why did you wear casual?! You should’ve worn something more formal and elegant…”) to what should be included in our photography package (“What? It doesn’t offer a printed photo album?! You should’ve hired another wedding photographer…”). The photographer comment was particularly irritating.

Even the wedding cake was an issue. I wanted to have a simple but elegant two-tier fondant cake made by a friend of mine, but my mother-in-law insisted on using a particular supplier who had been recommended to her by her friend. Since we were trying to compromise, I agreed—and we ended up with a three-tier buttercream wedding cake adorned with colourful fondant flowers. More ostentatious than what I had initially wanted, but the design was stunning and the cake was delicious, so it all turned out OK.

The most difficult issue in our entire wedding planning experience was however our choice of venue. My fiancé and I found the perfect place to tie the knot: the William Morris Gallery, a small yet lovely wedding venue in London that could accommodate up to 50 guests. To manage her expectations, we gave my mother in law a heads-up on the venue’s size. We even took her to the venue months before the wedding so that she could see it for herself. But as we left, she began bombarding us with more questions and kept pushing us to find a way to include more of her relatives in the guest list.

She went on to question why we had to put so many suppliers inside the venue: “Why did you have to hire wedding coordinators when you have just a few guests? Why did you have to get two photographers when you have only a few people to take pictures of? Can’t just one photographer be enough?”.  It was starting to make me feel bitter. I mean, as if letting go of one photographer would free up a lot of space for more guests!

It felt like the last straw and I was completely fed up with her demands. My patience and tolerance were running thin already, and pressure of an overbearing mother in law was getting the better of me. It even got to a point that I became paranoid about her showing up on the wedding day with uninvited guests, whining at every blunder or inconvenience, or harassing the suppliers. We had to do preemptive damage control. It was time to speak up.

And so I talked to my fiancé about my frustrations and made sure he understood where I was coming from (whilst trying very hard not to badmouth his mother). I found comfort in his reassurance that he would support me unconditionally. He immediately called up his mom to let her know that our decision on the guest list was final and no longer negotiable.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to paint a picture of a monster-in-law here because she’s not. She’s actually sweet and kind. Perhaps, she considered me the daughter she never had (she has only two sons and a daughter-in-law of five years whom she wasn’t close to), which probably explained her over-excitement. Both my parents are deceased, so maybe she took it upon herself to act more like a ‘mother of the bride’?

I initially saw her as the mother I never had. That’s why in the beginning, I was agreeable to a fault. That even if her demands clashed with our plans as a couple, I still tried to understand her and respond with a smile.

She was just being pushy, and that was driving me crazy because all my life, I’d been used to deciding things on my own. As an independent woman, my stress levels naturally get high when there’s a threat to my freedom to make my own life choices. I understood that marrying someone also meant marrying his family, his mother included. But that shouldn’t mean she has the right to intrude.

Although her son had already talked to her, I had gotten to the point where I felt that I needed to set some healthy boundaries by myself. It would more than likely be awkward and uncomfortable, but I strongly believe that open and honest communication is the key to building good relationships.

Because she’d often cut me off while speaking with her, I decided it was best to write all my thoughts in a letter where I could pour my heart out without any interruption. In a firm yet respectful tone, I told her that I would appreciate if she trusted and respected our choices, and to recognise that we are both adults and fully capable of making responsible decisions on our own. I also told her that I understood her genuine desire to help and that she had our best interests at heart, but I also explained that it would really help us if she would just let us do things our way. And if we made mistakes in the process, we’d learn from and be responsible for them. I also expressed my appreciation for everything she had done for me, even if I wasn’t officially part of their family yet.

I asked my partner to hand the note to his mum, which he did.  The next day, she called him to explain her side and a few days later, we shared a brief talk during which she told us she would not meddle anymore and that she would let us make our decisions on our own.

For the remaining 10 months of wedding planning and preparation, I expected the worst yet hoped for the best. It was a good thing that my partner and I had enough time to nip the brewing problem in the bud, because, much to my relief, none of my pre-wedding fears happened on the day itself.

I have been happily married to the man of my dreams for two years now, and we’ve been having the time of our lives traveling the world and enjoying each other’s company. Pretty soon, we’ll be moving on with the next phase (perhaps, having a baby or setting up a business).

And as for the in-laws? My relationship with my husband’s mom, which I feared would be forever damaged by those stressful months of wedding planning, is actually much better now—we’ve become more respectful of each other, and I believe we are much closer and more open with each other than ever before.

To all the brides-to-be who are stressed out dealing with an intrusive future in-law, let me share some lessons I learned from our wedding planning experience:

1. As a couple, identify your non-negotiables from the get-go. Then communicate them clearly to your future in-law as early as possible. If she opposes, firmly but calmly remind her. If she loves you, she will understand.
2. Behave as her equal, not as a kid. You’re an adult who is about to step up to another stage of adulthood. Her inputs are very much welcome, but you do not need her approval all the time.
3. Understand that not all parents are aware that they’re overstepping their bounds. Be firm and assertive yet respectful when communicating your concerns. You don’t need to be rude to the woman who raised the person you’re about to marry. On the other hand, you should not feel guilty and scared of being accused as ungrateful. Again, if she loves you, she will understand.
4. Know that it’s okay not to have close relationships with your future (or current) in-laws. Research shows that it will actually be good for your marriage and health.
5. Limit their involvement, but don’t block them off in the wedding planning. In our case, we all agreed to hold a separate dinner party a few days after for relatives who weren’t invited to the wedding. My mom-in-law was tasked to organize the dinner. This kept her busy and preoccupied.
6. Warn your coordinators and other vendors ahead of time. They can help you diffuse any tension that may arise from having an intrusive in-law around on the wedding day.
7. Enjoy your wedding day! After all, it’s your and your soon-to-be husband’s event, not theirs. Don’t let anyone (even your in-laws) ruin your special day!

If all else fails, let it go. There are things you cannot control or change, like someone’s behaviour. If you cannot agree on something, it’s always best for both parties to agree to disagree.

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The author of this feature would prefer to remain anonymous but is one of our lovely blog readers who has asked to contribute to our ‘From The Heart’ Sunday series, where we hand the blog back over to our readers to write about all matters of love and life. If you would like to contribute a From The Heart piece, we would dearly love to hear from you. It doesn’t matter what it’s about and it doesn’t have to be related to weddings at all – we’re looking for honest, authentic, personal, sad, happy, family, relationship, marriage, health, light-hearted, serious, baby, trying for baby, children, career, simple, complicated – real life issues.  We just need you to write from your heart. Keep it upbeat and witty, or share your thoughts anonymously on a more challenging or emotional subject. Please drop me a line at [email protected]. Love Annabel x