I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been in my life since becoming engaged. I feel like I’m in this magical little bubble filled with lots of pretty things and people who are so excited for you. This is however a very sad little hole from not having my mum to share it with. I lost my mum when I was young and although it was a difficult time for me, it’s something I have come to terms with (well, as much as you can).
Now that I’m engaged though, I feel so sad that mum won’t be there, that I can’t go to her for decisions, that she won’t get to experience being the mother of the bride.
I came across a picture of her on her wedding day and there’s so much I want to know about it. It sounds silly but she had red nails, and I just want to ask her why. I have all these questions – questions you should be able to ask your mum but I can’t, and I’ll never know.
When planning a wedding – everyone asks about your mum; ‘Is your mum going dress shopping with you?’, ‘Your mum must be so excited!’, ‘What does your mum think about….?’. And this means I have to tell people that my mum is dead.
I don’t like telling people this as I fear they may ask how she died. Mum committed suicide. It’s something I don’t share with people often, because as soon as they know, they seem to look at you differently. You get the sympathy looks and the head tilts. It’s something I’ve had to put up with a lot living in a small town.
Now I hope you’re not reading this feature and feeling sorry for me – please don’t, because although my childhood was different (to say the least), I loved my mum. And for all her faults, she clearly loved me too. However My fiancé wants to mention my mum at our wedding, and this scares me a bit. I want her to be part of it I really do, but not everyone at the wedding will know the full story! Will they ask me about her? Will the people that do know feel sorry for me? Will it upset me? And most importantly will it upset the STEP-MOTHER?!
If nothing else, this is a major issue. My step mother is not one to hide her feelings or be subtle . Many an occasion have been ruined due to her opinions, sly digs or just stomping off in a huff (feelings normally aimed at me or my brother). She dislikes it whenever my mum gets mentioned, and when this happens, she normally makes some horrible comment that ends up hurting my feelings.
I’ve never been close with my step mum, but since getting engaged she has started making more of an effort. Well a little, anyway. But so many times when I’m with her, I feel on edge, like I know that dig about what I’m wearing or what I said or what I did is just around the corner. But it doesn’t happen and we ending up talking like a normal family, so I relax in her company and then BOOM – there’s the dig, the snide comment I was expecting all along.
I’ve stopped mentioning the wedding as she doesn’t seem to like anything I do, or if I do something without her, she ends up getting mad at me. Sometimes I feel I can’t do right for doing wrong.
For most of my life, I have tired to not let my step mothers behaviour towards me, outwardly bother me, although secretly, it’s always really bothered me – how could numerous digs about my weight, or how intellectual I am, or my own mother, not bother me? However now I’m older in life, I feel I don’t need to take it, and I do try and stick up for myself – even if on occasion I fail to do that very well. I keep trying.
But I don’t want to be defending myself on my own wedding day – or feeling anxious that the digs will start to happen.
So do we not mention mum? Do I pretend she doesn’t exist to keep my step mum happy and avoid an argument? None of that sits right with me. My mum was such a big part of my life, in fact I think she may have been the first love of my life. I certainly know that my brother and I were hers.
I guess I just wish things were different, that I didn’t have to make this decision. Mum should be there with us at the top table, all dressed up, laughing at the speeches. She should be there the morning of my wedding with tears in her eyes, telling me how beautiful I look. I wish my step mother would at least try to take on that role. It makes me sad that I’ll never have that moment with either of them.
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I’ve decided to spend the morning of the wedding with my bridesmaids at a hotel. My bridesmaids know all about my ever so complicated family history. I know I can count on them to take my mind off from dwelling too much on my mum and keep my step mum at a safe distance from me.
As my fiancé says it is our wedding, and we have to do what’s right for us – after all, you can’t keep everyone happy.
I’m excited for the wedding and I hope I make the right decision about whether to and if so, how to incorporate my mum into the celebrations. But for all you brides to be reading this now, I want you to know, it’s OK to not have a ‘normal family’, to have moments of great joy followed by waves of grief while preparing for your wedding. Everyone copes with losing parents and dealing with difficult family members in different ways. But no matter what, your wedding day will still be great and wonderful – I know mine is going to be.
I’m so lucky to have an amazing fiancé for a shoulder to lean on when my step mum has upset me, or to cry with when I realise something else that my mum will miss out on. If you find yourself in a similar situation to mine, I’d recommend talking to your other half and letting them know how you honestly feel. You’re due to be married. And remember that a problem shared is a problem halved.
Also, tell your wedding party – they want to be involved. Our party already knew our situation, and I’m relieved and glad. It’s helpful to receive feedback and perspective from others and they will be able to help you manage awkward situations – like those when I’m with my step mum.
Wishing you all the best wedding days ever,
Love Anonymous x
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The author of this feature would prefer to remain anonymous but is one of our lovely blog readers who has asked to contribute to our ‘From The Heart’ Sunday series, where we hand the blog back over to our readers to write about all matters of love and life. If you would like to contribute a From The Heart piece, we would dearly love to hear from you. It doesn’t matter what it’s about and it doesn’t have to be related to weddings at all – we’re looking for honest, authentic, personal, sad, happy, family, relationship, marriage, health, light-hearted, serious, baby, trying for baby, children, career, simple, complicated – real life issues. We just need you to write from your heart. Keep it upbeat and witty, or share your thoughts anonymously on a more challenging or emotional subject. Please drop me a line at [email protected]. Love Annabel x
