Good morning all, I so enjoyed writing my debut discussion feature on how to shop for your wedding dress and am hoping my latest thoughts this morning on something all together different, are useful to some of you. I think that so often, the world of weddings is seen as fluffy, pink and sweet, and perhaps just a little ‘airy fairy’ (‘Don’t Tell The Bride’, or ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ anyone?). I do however, genuinely believe there are a lot of serious issues to be discussed around weddings too. Weddings are emotional occasions and important life events that have a tendency to generate issues, problems and worries all of their own. Perhaps your parents are divorced, and whilst this might not normally effect your life, you may now find yourself, with wedding day approaching, worrying how they will act around one another on your big day, or maybe the whole planning process has given you a reason to start having anxious thoughts about your relations with your parents, friends and family members.
Certainly, one of the things people say to me, when they find out I’m lucky enough to write for Love My Dress, is ‘I bet you’re always getting letters from worried brides needing advice!’ Well actually, no. That’s partially because I’m not responsible for managing the Love My Dress inbox, but also because in general, our brides want to share their happy stories, their beautiful photographs, and come here in search of positive inspiration. In general, we’re a pretty happy place here at Love My Dress, even if we’re not afraid to tackle important subject matter through the odd thoughtfully considered discussion post.
Leah and Joe had a £450 secret wedding
Photography by Ali Lovegrove
It’s universally acknowledged, and indeed true in many cases, that while planning a wedding is an exhilarating, exciting and bonding experience, it can also quite often be fraught with stress and anxiety. It may be the pressures of trying to find the perfect dress, keeping your divorced parents apart, or simply managing the expectations of everyone around you who feels they need to tell you what you ought to be doing (and, annoyingly, how you should be doing it).
Looking back, I loved planning my wedding, and I would jump at the chance to do it all over again, but it often isn’t anywhere near as straightforward as we think or dream about – the organisation and often, the politics involved in bringing together friends from across many separate groups, as well as relatives from many far flung corners, can be challenging. It can seem like everyone has an opinion, and all too often it isn’t the same as yours, yet these well-meaners seem so confident their way is right.
Picture the scene – you and your fiance are dreaming of an outdoor ceremony with a humanist blessing, but his mother is telling you that she has already been speaking to the local vicar. You are planning a very small bridal party, with just your two oldest and closest friends as bridesmaids, but your mum has already promised your teenage cousins that ‘of course!’ – they will be bridesmaids. You would love a child friendly wedding but everyone is pulling faces and saying you should ban anyone under 5 as they’ll only scream during the ceremony. Your friends are expressing their wish for a sophisticated reception at a swish city hotel, but you had been hoping for a cute village hall filled with bunting.
The question is, how are you supposed to react to all this? How can you possibly please everyone?
This couple had an intimate London elopement
Their only guest/witness was their photographer, Dominique Bader
The short, honest, only possible answer is, that you can’t.
You can’t please everyone on your wedding day, so take a deep breath, step back and relax, and promise me that you won’t try to.
One thing we see again and again in the ‘Words of Wedded Wisdom’ at the end of each of our real wedding features, is our happy newlyweds telling others to ‘have your day the way you want it to be’ – to choose things you love and not be pushed or over-influence by others (no matter how well-meaning).
I’m not for one moment suggesting that couples should completely disregard the opinions or suggestions of close family and friends, but there are compromises and there are compromises. If your beloved granny is 100 next birthday, terrified of flying and miserable in the heat, then perhaps a wedding in the Maldives isn’t a fabulous plan if you want her to attend. However, if you have your heart set on a small and intimate ceremony and your parents are insisting that you can’t possible not invite cousin Amelia and Aunt Sybil (neither of whom you have seen or spoken to since you were in knee high socks) then perhaps you can afford to put your foot down.
This bride bucked all the usual wedding trends and worked her own, beautiful, quirky, wedding day style
Photography by Ashton Jean Pierre
My husband and I were very lucky in that we didn’t have any friends or family with any particularly pressing opinions, but I can recall the experience of a close friend, who had to be quite assertive in making her parents understand they wanted their wedding in London. London was where they, their friends, and a large portion of her fiancé’s family lived. It suited them and their lifestyle perfectly and was where they desired to be married. My friend didn’t spend her last night as a single woman in her childhood bedroom – like her Mum had wanted – and her Mum’s friends were not given permission to ‘pop in’ to the church service. And you know what? On the day itself, there were nothing but smiles. Her compromise was to let her Mum choose their traditional, fruit and white iced wedding cake (which was delicious) rather than going for the ‘explosion in a sweet shop’ style cake she’d been drooling over on her Pinterest.
So I lied, because I can’t tell you how to please everyone, but I can suggest how you can make things much easier on yourself – it’s all about picking your battles and prioritising, deciding on the things that are really the most important to you as a couple, and sticking to your guns. Being assertive and consistent like this from day one will set expectations and help send a clear message to all those well-meaning friends and family members who are excited, and want to have a say in your plans. But accepting from the outset that you can’t please everyone will make it a whole lot easier on yourself emotionally.
Eddie and Ciara cycled 550 miles to their rainy day remote Scottish wedding
Photography by Lisa Devine
Listen to the opinions of others with good grace, but don’t dwell on them if they don’t fit with your plans. Be consistent, but most of all, be happy with your choices that you make for your wedding day. Make sure the important parts of the day are how you and your husband to be want them to be, where you want them to be and with precisely whom you want them to be.
I’m really keen to know if you have any advice or personal experiences you’d be happy to share with other readers.
Have you had to overcome difficulties with ‘pleasing everyone’ of your own? How did (or maybe didn’t) you handle it?
Are you struggling with ‘well meaning’ friends, family (parents!) trying to assert their own designs on your wedding day?
What would your key advice be to other readers, to help them minimise upsetting or offending anyone, whilst still planning the kind of wedding they envisage?
Love Shona x
