I’ve been surprised by the strong reactions I’ve received when I’ve mentioned that I don’t think I will take my husband’s surname when we get married. I didn’t realise people held such fervent opinions about it! Some champion me for holding to feminist principles; others are mildly disapproving; there are murmurs about tradition, and children, and ‘becoming a family’… and all of this has made me deeply consider and re-consider my options. So, today, I would love to hear from any Love My Dress readers keen to share their opinion on this most bristly of topics: any of you out there who have chosen to keep your maiden name; any who have taken your husband’s or wife’s name, made up an entirely new name, or are deliberating over what to do like me!
Kate + James Halfpenny-Duffy
Photography Copyright (c) 2014, Elegant & Wild
I don’t particularly want to change my surname because it’s my name! It’s the moniker I’ve used to identify myself for the past 28 years: it’s the name I’ve been alphabetically ordered by in school; the title I’ve used to reserve hotel rooms and make table bookings. It’s the one that I practised writing for hours to perfect my signature when I was a teenager. It’s plastered across my bank accounts, email address, work correspondence, credit cards, ID documents, the deeds to our flat; I’ve inscribed it on exam papers, job applications and polling cards. For me, my name is an intrinsic part of my identity. Everything I’ve achieved (and failed miserably at!) I’ve done under my name – and to suddenly change it would be real wrench.
Jess & Rodrigo
Photography Copyright (c) 2014, Fer Juaristi
Plus, I would be lying if I said that the historic reasons behind a wife taking her husband’s name didn’t make my stomach turn. Personally I can’t ignore the fact that my female ancestors became their husband’s property on marriage, and that this was signified by an obligatory name change. People hold up the marital name-change ‘tradition’ as some kind of nostalgic and wonderful thing but seem to forget that this particular ‘tradition’ was put in place and used for centuries to categorise women as part of her husband’s possessions: new house, new car, new wife?!
Charlotte + Harry
Photography Copyright (c) 2014, M&J Photography
Luckily it’s now the 21st century, we all have a choice, and arguably the reasons behind the tradition are now irrelevant and have faded into obscurity anyway – but my view is that nobody should be made to feel awkward or uncomfortable about not conforming with tradition if they don’t want to. Despite all the bravado, I am nervous about my grandparents’ and in-laws’ reactions if I don’t change my name – I’m dreading an awkward conversation. Any tips on how to broach this would be most welcome!
Having said all that, I can definitely see the appeal of sharing a surname with my husband and the idea that this lets us tell the world we’re married. There’s also the children debate. Many people have questioned whether – if we have children in the future – they will take my surname or his, and how I would feel about having a different surname to these imaginary offspring. In all honestly I’m not sure (they’re still imaginary after all!) but I think I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Maybe it’s a cop out, but if I feel differently later in life, it’s never too late to change.
Charlotte + Teddy
Photography Copyright (c) 2014, Polly Alexandre
Since we met, me and my other half have tried to make our relationship as equal as possible – emotionally, financially, and everything in between. We know our strengths and our weaknesses and we try and support each other. As neither of us want to change our names, creating a new surname isn’t really an option, but in some ways I think that keeping our own surnames reflects that idea of equality and partnership we try and stick to. Luckily my spouse-in-waiting is genuinely happy for me to keep my maiden name if I want to but I wonder if there are any couples out there who haven’t found the decision as easy.
I’ve also been thinking a lot whilst writing this article about same-sex couples and how they approach this question. I guess it would be liberating not to be bound by any precedent or tradition, but would love to hear from any LBGT brides and grooms-to-be on what name(s) they took as their married surnames.
I know the Love My Dress community is an intelligent, amazing and insightful bunch and I can’t wait to hear your views via the comment box below. You can leave a comment anonymously if that would make it easier for you to share your experiences ☺
Louisa x
