From The Heart: Turning the Big 4-0hhh (and other marriage musings)

I’ve been very lucky to have always looked younger than my actual age – though it was something I used to absolutely detest when I was 16. Like every teenager, I desperately wanted to grow up and longed to look older, but for me, it was the bane of my existence. When I hit 25, and automatically handing over my ID even before I was asked to prove that I was indeed legally allowed to enter the nightclub, I’d accepted that my baby face was going to stay that way. So when I noticed my first wrinkle in my early 30’s, I was actually quite overjoyed that I was finally maturing!

Now, at 39 and turning that magical number 40 in late October this year, I’m in major contemplation mode about the past, present and future. Are you currently going through this same phase as me? Did you marry in your late 30’s, just like I did? I hope these musings I’m sharing today resonate with readers of a similar age to me, but also with the younger folk too; perhaps those of you who are approaching 30 and experiencing similar strange and unsettling feelings; desperately trying to tick off all the goals you wanted to achieve as you teeter on the brink of the next decade?

I’m totally invigorated and excited about what’s coming up on the 27^th of October 2016, and now feel completely positive about this milestone birthday, but only a few years ago I was stuck in a cloud of impending doom at being ‘so old’ with nothing to show for it. Let me take you back to that turning point…

Cue February 2012: I was sitting by the window, watching the rain trickle down in my local café in the seaside location in the south of England where I was living at the time. I was 35, single, alone, very miserable, cold, working hard, but with no social interactions. I was not a happy chappy at all. Imagine the “All By Myself” song playing in the background with me in my pyjamas looking an awful lot like Bridget Jones – and that perfectly sums up the scene.

Fast forward one month to March 2012. Sick of waiting for fate to land a fella in my lap, I jumped online at a friend’s suggestion and soon got chatting with “Michael from Surrey.” We met up in person (sharing the most romantic fairy tale kiss as soon as we laid eyes on each other – a total Hollywood movie moment and thinking about it still gives me tingles) and I can honestly say he has completely changed my life. We are now very happily married (you can read about our big day here) and living back in my old hometown in Australia.

Just last week I was thinking back to that lonely café moment, where I had completely written off that I was ever going to find a partner. Unlucky in love my whole adulthood (it’s a little embarrassing to admit, but I was a very late bloomer!) and suffering from being hurt emotionally and financially by a very nasty ex (did you see this previous ‘From the Heart’ post discussing emotional abuse? If not, I urge you to read this), I honestly thought it was too late to find a life partner, settle down, and raise a family. I’d literally put myself on the shelf. As it is, I still pinch myself and feel so very lucky that I’ve found such a good egg who loves me, quirks and all. If you’re thinking of taking the plunge and heading online to potentially meet your soulmate, check out these posts of happy couples who met online that we’ve previously featured on the blog; proof right here that online dating can be a success!

If you are a bride-to-be or recent bride who was a little older in tying the knot just like me – isn’t it fabulous? From the very early days, “Michael from Surrey” and I both laid our cards on the table, and with both of us in our 30’s with plenty of life experience we knew what we wanted from the start. Cut to today and we are working hard (but smartly to achieve a work/life balance), we’re making our house a home and starting to think about a family (might start with a fur baby to ease into it!) and he completely loves his new outdoors lifestyle with the beach at the end of the road. I’m taking slightly longer to re-adjust – if you’re a regular reader of the blog you’ll have noticed that I’m not a huge fan of Australian summers and almost ache for a British winter and wearing layers again. I popped on my first woolly jumper the other day as Autumn’s FINALLY arrived and actually did a little happy dance for sheer joy.

And so, as I prepare to enter the next chapter with total aplomb, here are a few things I’ve learnt in recent years, simply by changing my mindset. I hope these mantras can help you too:

• Live YOUR life, not somebody else’s
  Society does have a lot to blame for women thinking we have to achieve things by a certain age and in a particular order – meet your soulmate, get married, have 2.4 kids, buy a big house and fill it with beautiful things, and (in these modern times) all whilst working in a busy job. We feel the pressure to be “Superwoman” to firstly achieve this life, then the subsequent juggling to keep it up. But this often isn’t reality. I’m a prime example that one can still have immense happiness without all of these things. I’ve met my soulmate (at 35, marrying just before I turned 38), but we are yet to have a house or kids, and I’m only just settling back into my career here in Oz. I feel the pressure every day to be doing what everyone else is doing and, to be honest, it can get me down at times. But a wise friend of mine said whilst we were catching up recently that we need to stop judging other people for the way they live their lives. You may be feeling the pressure to keep up and compete with your contemporaries to have a “perfect” life, but is it really making you happy? And just what is “perfect” anyway? Consider the things in life that make you smile and give you a sense of worth, and once you have these in mind, maybe it’s time to cut back, slow down, and take stock of what’s really important. My focus now is on achieving work/life balance, minimising stress and looking after my health and this realisation has completely revolutionised how I live each day.
• Be happy and content with who you are – wrinkles, curves and all
  As I’ve aged, I’ve so enjoyed the wisdom and the clarity that comes with every change of digit. I’ve embraced the wrinkles fully and have vowed never to have Botox. I’ve got loads of laugh lines and creases around my eyes from years of smiling (there’s definitely no Victoria-Beckham-motionless-photo-face going on here) and, OK, those annoying forehead frown lines do give me a little grief, but nothing a fringe can’t fix. I’m learning to be comfortable in my body, my beliefs, and discovering what really matters and now I cannot wait to turn the big 4-0. There was a discussion in the LMD closed Facebook group recently about Botox and if this is something that you wish to do, of course it’s completely your choice. I’ve just accepted myself for who I am and what nature gave me, choosing to associate less with any friends who judge me in a negative way, and knowing that my husband loves me for me – lumps, bumps, laugh lines, wrinkles and all.
• Be sure to celebrate all the milestones … or you may regret it
  OK, I admit it. I initially wasn’t going to celebrate this coming birthday. I had a bit of a moment and convinced myself that turning 40 wasn’t a big deal and not worth celebrating. But another wise friend soon slapped me about the face and suggested that I may regret it if I don’t do something. Hubby and I are now in the midst of sorting out a date, a venue, a guest list, groovy tunes for the playlist, and decorations. Are our Saturday’s of “wedmin” returning?! Yay! I’ll have to start collecting jam jars for that just-picked wildflower look for the table decor 😉 
• Everything really is going to be OK
  I wanted to finish up by giving you all a reassuring nod to say that everything really is going to be OK, never be afraid of getting older, and enjoy the wisdom that comes with every grey hair. Actually, I’ve yet to turn grey, but just this morning I discovered another wrinkle, so I’m off to buy champagne to celebrate. Bring on the next decade, I’m ready for you!

Are you currently experiencing similar feelings as you approach this milestone birthday? Or do you have any pearls of wisdom to share with me, having turned the big 4-0hhh? Feel free to comment with your thoughts below.

Love Jo -x-

 

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Jo is a member of the Love My Dress writing team – you can read more about her here. Jo wanted to contribute to our ‘From The Heart’ feature – an occasional Sunday spot on the blog where we hand the blog back over to our readers to write about all matters of love and life. 

If you would like to contribute a From The Heart piece, we would dearly love to hear from you. It doesn’t matter what it’s about and it doesn’t have to be related to weddings at all – we’re looking for honest, authentic, personal, sad, happy, family, relationship, marriage, health, light-hearted, serious, baby, trying for baby, children, career, simple, complicated – real life issues.  We just need you to write from your heart. Keep it upbeat and witty, or share your thoughts anonymously on a more challenging or emotional subject. Please drop me a line at [email protected]. Love Annabel x