Nobody Gets To Judge What You Spend On Your Wedding

Have you ever felt the weight of other people’s opinions on how much you’re spending on your wedding, the raised eyebrows and unspoken assumptions from people who’ve decided what you must have paid and whether it was worth it? I first wrote this piece in 2014 after reading a column in the Sunday Times, and 12 years on that judgement hasn’t gone anywhere (as TV show ‘This Morning’ shows us), so I’ve brought it up to date for you and every couple planning their wedding today.

Back in 2014, H&M launched a £60 wedding dress, and India Knight wrote a column in the Sunday Times championing it, before turning her attention to British weddings in general, which she felt had become costly, competitive and showy, full of faux poshness and couples playing pretend. I had a lot to say about it at the time and I still do, although I hope I’d say it with a little more grace today.

I’ll start by saying I’ve no issue at all with a dress costing £60. Some of the most beautiful weddings we’ve featured have involved charity shop finds, preloved gowns, borrowed dresses and outfits from the high street, and the couples wearing them looked every bit as radiant as anyone in couture.

An inexpensive dress can look stunning and an expensive one can disappoint, because how you feel in what you’re wearing counts for far more than the label inside it.

Where I hesitated, and still do, is with the bigger picture of a fast fashion giant producing wedding dresses at that volume and price. I never saw that dress up close, so I won’t judge the design, and I’d never judge anyone who bought one, because budgets are real and none of us should have to justify ours. But when a dress retails at £60, I find myself wondering where it was made and what the people who sewed it were paid, and I think we should all feel able to ask those questions of any fashion we buy, wedding or otherwise.

I also think about the independent designers and dressmakers who create gowns from scratch, drawing on years of training and an instinct for how fabric moves and how to help the person wearing it feel completely at ease in their own body. Many of the designers we partner with make everything in their own studios here in Britain, and the time that goes into a single gown is extraordinary, from the design and pattern cutting to the toiles that refine the fit and the search for exactly the right silk or lace.

On top of all that, they’re paying a team of skilled people a fair wage and earning a living themselves. That’s where the cost of a designer dress comes from, and I’d happily pay £60 for an hour of that kind of expertise alone. Valuing it takes nothing away from a dress that cost £60, and I’d love us to live in a world where both can be celebrated, with honesty about what things really cost to make.

What troubled me most was that familiar picture of the person planning a wedding, nearly always a woman, as a self-absorbed spender swept away by princess fantasies and the pressure of the “special day”. It’s a caricature we’ve seen in newspapers and on television for years, and I think it’s time we let it go, because it simply doesn’t reflect most couples.

In my experience, they’re thoughtful, careful with money and doing their very best to create something meaningful for the people they love when it comes to their wedding day.

Weddings cost what they cost for a reason; a wedding cake takes hours of skilled baking and decorating, and flowers have to be grown, sourced and arranged by people who understand the seasons, soil, and can adapt to ever-challenging growing conditions.

A photographer gives you a whole day and then many more days of editing afterwards, while a historic venue has to be cared for, staffed and protected from wear and tear. And then there’s your wedding stationery. In an age when an invitation can be generated by AI and sent to a hundred inboxes in seconds, I’ll always champion the stationers who design, hand letter, print and assemble each piece, working with beautiful papers, inks and printing techniques that take years to master. There’s something about finding a heavy, beautifully addressed envelope on your doormat that a notification on your phone simply can’t match. It’s often the very first moment your guests feel the excitement of your wedding, and so many of them will keep that invitation on the mantelpiece or tucked safely in a drawer for years to come.

Choosing something made by human hands is a forward-looking decision about the kind of world we want to keep, one where the people who bring beauty into our lives can go on earning a living from their talent. These are small businesses and talented people, and they deserve to be paid fairly for their time.

Here’s what nobody tells you when you get engaged: whatever you spend, someone will have an opinion about it. That’s something you’re just going to have to accept. Plan something small and simple and you might hear a well-meaning “is that all you’re doing?”, or sense that a relative feels you’ve short-changed the occasion. Spend more and you risk being called extravagant, or being made to feel your love is somehow for show. The scrutiny has only grown louder online too, where strangers and TV hosts now dissect the cost of other people’s weddings in comment sections and videos breaking down a couple’s spend are served up as entertainment. I find that deeply uncomfortable, judgemental and frankly very uncool, because behind every wedding budget are two people making careful, personal decisions with information nobody else has.

Nobody else knows your full picture. They don’t know what you’ve saved or what you’ve gone without to get here, whether a grandparent left you something they always wanted spent on a celebration, or whether this is the one big thing you’ve promised yourselves after a difficult few years. They don’t know that keeping things small might be the very thing that makes your day feel like yours. That’s precisely why nobody gets to judge.

If you’re already feeling the weight of other people’s views, these are the things I’d gently suggest, drawn from years of hearing from couples who’ve been exactly where you are.

1. Decide your priorities together before anyone else weighs in. Sit down early and each name the three things you care about most, whether that’s the food, the photographs, the dress or simply having everyone you love in one room. When you know your own priorities, other people’s opinions become far easier to listen to politely and set aside.

2. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Your finances are private, and a simple, warm “we’ve thought about it carefully and it feels right for us” is a complete answer. You don’t need to justify a figure or reveal one.

3. If family are contributing, talk about expectations early. Money given with love can still come with opinions attached, so it helps to agree gently and openly at the start what a contribution is for, and whether it’s a gift with no strings or comes with hopes about the guest list or venue.

4. Remember that online weddings are an edited picture. You’re seeing the finished photographs, rarely the budget, the compromises or what was gifted in exchange for coverage, so comparing your plans to someone else’s feed will almost always leave you feeling you’re falling short.

5. Notice where the judgement is coming from. Very often, comments about your spending say more about someone’s own feelings about money, or their own wedding, than about yours. Seeing that can take a lot of the sting out of it.

6. Don’t spend to impress, and don’t scrimp to look modest. Both are ways of planning your wedding for an audience. Spend on the things you’ll remember and feel happy about years from now, and let go of the rest without guilt.

It’s often said that guests don’t care about the room, the dress or the canapés, and that what people remember is a joyful atmosphere, and there’s truth in that, because the warmth of a wedding comes from the people in it far more than from anything money can buy. But a little perspective helps here, because a joyful atmosphere and beautiful flowers, a wonderful photographer or a venue that means something to you can sit perfectly happily side by side. You can love beautiful things and still know exactly what your day is about.

The world can feel like a heavy place right now, with wars that seem to have no end and a cost of living crisis that’s made so many of us count every penny, while the headlines can feel overwhelming before you’ve finished your first cup of tea and extreme weather has become something we brace ourselves for every year. Against all of that, a wedding is one of the rare occasions when we gather the people we love in one place to celebrate, dance, hug and cry happy tears, to dress up and look and feel amazing, and to let go of the world’s worries for a day. So why shouldn’t we spend on that? I’d argue it’s one of the most hopeful things we can choose to invest in, and so much of what we spend goes to the people and small businesses who make those days happen.

One of our readers put this so well in a comment, and her words have always resonated with me:

“I’m having, because my partner and I are saving like maniacs, what would be seen as a large wedding that will cost us quite a lot of money and I do resent the tone of others sometimes that there is an added virtue in a homespun, low budget wedding that somehow means that couple are more genuine and in love than those amongst us having the full kit and caboodle church and reception for 130 people. I think what is important is that your wedding day is a celebration of you as a couple, your love and your family and friends. Your marriage is then a commitment that springs from that celebration and will, through ups and downs, last your whole life.”

When I got married, I saved hard for a Jenny Packham dress because I knew a beautifully cut bias gown would give me confidence on a day when I’d be feeling emotional and nervous, and frankly, Jenny Packham’s designs were an absolute dream to me. We hired a country house so that guests who’d travelled a long way would be comfortable, and yes, I wanted fancy canapés, alongside a slightly dodgy disco that we danced to all night. I didn’t feel guilty then and I don’t now, because it was our celebration and it was exactly right for us.

So here’s what I believe, and what we’ve always believed at Love My Dress; there’s no right amount to spend on a wedding, and no amount that makes your love more or less genuine. Whether you marry in a £60 dress at a registry office followed by lunch at your favourite pub, or in a gown made just for you over a weekend in a fully hired-out luxury venue, it’s a wonderful way to marry the person you love.

Spend what feels right and affordable for you, choose the things that bring you joy, and celebrate with pride, whatever that looks like and whatever anyone else might think.